Childhoodtake2!

"Surround yourself with relentless humans.
People who plan in decades, but live in moments.
Train like savages, but create like artists.
Obsess in work, relax in life.
People who know this is finite, and choose to play infinite games.
Find people scaling mountains. Climb together."

When I tuck you in at night, or when we are having a quiet moment, I whisper..."remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

And I forgot this message, or maybe I never learned it, for myself.

I have spent the last 18 months making myself smaller.
I have been made to feel as though I am too much.
I have been told I am too much.
I have definitely felt like I am too much.
Too open, too all in, too emotional, too sensitive.
I am too much to take.
I take too much on.
I have too many requirements.
I have too many moments to celebrate, no one can keep up.
I have too many routines.
I am crazy, no, too crazy.
I am too much to take.

And, it's all true.

So I retreated to become less.
And where I landed was being less me.
Less vibrant, less passionate, less loving, less interested.

"Your light may irritate a lot of unhealed people.
Shine anyway."

I have tried to fit into a more stable box.
One that has a nice tight lid.
One that is smaller in size.
One that does not take up space.

I wanted to be unseen, unheard, uninvolved.

And, it still wasn't enough.

I was still sought out.
I was still called names.
I still felt hurt, and very seen.
I was left feeling inside out and outside in.

I got even smaller.
I was more quiet. I was more withdrawn.
I hid. All the while, smiling through it.

It is my year of self respect.
It was time for me to look at myself to see what I was doing to attract pain...I am the common denominator.

All while I was telling you two to be who you are. At your core. Don't let this world change you. Try and allow your light to change the world...even when it gets hard.

"remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

So then I started calling myself names.
Hypocrite. Unauthentic. Maybe there is something wrong with my heart. Maybe my issues are that I am searching for something that can't be filled externally. I am just too damn much.

Or. Maybe it's not about me at all.
Or. Maybe it is.

Maybe it says something about me that I am searching.
Maybe it says something about me that I am in pain.
Maybe it says something about me that I do love hard.
Maybe it says something about me that I feel energy and emotions and can pick up on the room's energy.
Maybe it says something about me that people can feel my energy.

Maybe it is way too much.
Maybe I exhaust myself and others.
Maybe there is a lighter, smaller, easier way.
Maybe I can live a smaller life.

"remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

I do not have nor do I want a smaller life.
I do not live nor do I want to live in a glimmer-less world.
I do not want to pretend that the little things are special.
I do not want to smile through it.
I do not want to be closed off.
I do not want to not love with all I have.
I do not want to be less obsessed with what I love.

I want to plan in decades, because I see you in my future.
I want to be the one that shows up, because I love you.
I want to be the one you can count on, because I am here.
I want to be the one that understands you can't talk right now, because sometimes time is the best medicine.
I want to be the lover of life.
I want to be as passionate as I am.
I want to cry when things move me.
I want to laugh when things are funny.
I want to remember that there are dark corners everywhere so I'm okay celebrating light.
I want to tell you how beautiful you are because I believe it.
I want to listen to you, because life can be a lot and we all need good listeners.
I want to love what I love because it moves me.
I want to love a book so much I don't want it to end. And I want to be okay with the fact that I'm actually sad that it did end.
I want to be obsessed with our lives - because sometimes, it is so beautiful it could be a dream.
I want to be all in, because I'm an all in girl.
I want to be a light, because I know how dark it can get.
I want to be and am madly in love with a puppy we adopted. Because it is crazy how much I love her.
I want to find peace, love, relaxation in long rainy days. I want to linger in the sound.
I want to find comfort and warmth in snow days. I want to linger in the cozy.
I want to be obsessed with my work because I love love love to work. Because I am a relentless human.
I want to love how much I train like a savage. I put effort into me, my body, my health, my mind, my care. Because I am a relentless human.
I want to be the one you find to scale that mountain with. Because I am a relentless human.
I want to okay with being me. Because I am a relentless human.

"remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

To my littles and to myself...
"Keep good company, read good books, love good things and cultivate soul and body as faithfully as you can" - Louisa May Alcott

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on replace.

I am teaching myself to replace words like thick with athletic.
I am learning how to replace my negative thoughts with reminders of strength.
I am working on replacing "what am I doing wrong" with "I was not treated well."
I am working on me.

I am teaching myself that if it doesn't fit, it wasn't made for my body - so replace it with something else.
I am learning that muscles can be beautiful too and strength is something I have always wanted - so replace it with lean.
I am working on setting healthier lines in the sand - so replace the negativity in my life.

I am so keenly aware of the darkness in the world - so replace them with glimmers.
I am tapped into others emotions and allow them to replace my own; I take on the energy around me.
I am so tired of the bullshit, so replace it with moments of unbelievable beauty.

I will not be thick skinned, ever. But I can replace my see through body with shining a little brighter.
I will not be mean, ever. But I can replace my empath with not taking full responsibility.
I will not be cruel - but that means I have to stop being cruel to myself too. I have to find a way to replace my own sabotaged self thoughts.

I have spent a more than half this year with an eye on self respect.
I am working on me.

Each of us is born with a box of matches inside us but we can't strike them all by ourselves. - –LAURA ESQUIVEL

Nor should we.

That's why we need to find people that ignite our flames.
That set us on fire.
That realize we have something so bright and warm inside of us that needs to be fueled.

That's why we go and find our people.

That's why we need to find the flame in others.
Allow them to set their own world on fire.
Allow their hearts to feel the warmth they naturally carry.
Allow their body to realize the light they carry is so strong, it cannot be extinguished.

That's why we go and find our people.

The ones that know our mess.
The ones that don't care that we are messy.
The ones that laugh with us.
The ones that find us to be funny right in our mess.
The ones that tamper the mess with their own balance.
The ones that call us out and allow us to be, all at the same time.
The ones that know our story, know our why.
The ones that make us think and grow.
The ones that hold us close.
The ones that tell us their own messes.
The ones that we allow to be messy.
The ones that are happy and sad and there when needed.
The ones that we shine brightest with.

That's why we go and find our people.

This world is filled with bright lights, if we look in the right places.
This world is filled with dark corners, if we look in the right places.
This world is filled with people that will light you up and
this world is filled with people that will dim your fire.

That's why we go and find our people.

Pick those that make you feel alive.
Pick those that make you laugh from your belly.
Pick those that fuel the fire you already have in you.
Pick those that you want to ignite their flames too.
You want to help them strike that match and the one after that.

That's why we go and find our people.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on moment.

Our first nephew leaves for school this week.
I remember the day he was born.
I remember the drive from Rochester to be there.
I remember the look on my parent's faces.
I remember the excitement, my dad couldn't sit still.
I remember how much pain my sister was in.
I remember how long he took.

I remember how I held you, I remember them telling us your name.
I remember how little you were.
And then, in a moment, you're off.

You're the first of the four.
First of the four to do everything, sweetie.
Go to school, drive, high school, college trips.
The first of the four to head out.

Last night, when we talked about your first few days there, I got so excited for you.
And then, when we talked about you entering this world, my heart pulled a little.

This life that we are granted, is filled with moments.
Like when our kids start walking, talking, and asking for us.
Like first smiles, like looks across a room, like me knowing what you need more than anyone else.
Like learning to ride bikes and learning to ask for things and learning to make friends.
Like the first days of school and the last days of school.
Like starting days and ending them.

Moments, you have filled our world and our lives with moments.
Moments we remember, moments we want to forget, moments we treasure, moments we hold on to, moments we have let go.
Like them starting off on their lives, setting this world on fire like you set our hearts on fire.

To the little group of four.
We love you and the moments you have given us.

One’s life begins on so many occasions, constructing itself out of accident derived from coincidence compounded by character. - Donald Hall

Like the day I left.
Like the day I started on my own.
Like the day I fell in love for the very first time.
Like the day I met my family of girls.
Like the day I fell in love with him.
Like the day I adopted Mia.
Like the day I adopted you.
Like the day we fell in love.
Like the day a doctor told us my life would be a little harder.
Like the day we decided to grow our family.
Like the day we lost Mia.
Like the day we went and picked up Pearl.

Like the days upon days upon days, we try and try again.
Like the times we spend not connecting.
Like the times we reconnect.
Like the day I turned 40.
Like the day I lost my dad.
Like the year we spent healing.

Our life begins over and over and over again.
What is amazing - and at times miraculous - about family, and loves, and partners, is that you go through this rebirth, this new you, the new beginning and you still love each other.
As long as your foundation stays solid, you love the new person standing before you.
As long as your character is still in place, you know this is the direction you want to keep going in.
As long as you are not strangers, you find a way to start your life over, together.

What is amazing is that with each new, comes an opportunity to easily walk away.
Grow apart.
Grow in different directions.
Especially when you start young.
But sometimes, you find a fit that grows with you or finds a way to allow you to grow.

My life has started and restarted and restarted a million different times.
Sometimes, most times, on purpose.
Sometimes, on total accident.
But, here I stand, a million times me.

Over and over and over again, me.

Yes, I'm a little worn.
Yes, I'm quite a bit older.
No, that does not mean I'm wiser or have most or any answers.
It just means that I have restarted, every single time that I have needed to, I have restarted.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on leave.

The beginning of visitors is all glory and smiles and actual tears of joy.
Hugs that won't stop, face touching because I can't believe you're standing in front of me!
Every few minutes, I'll burst out with...you're here!...and then we go on.

As the trip goes on, you become a part of our routine, see our everyday lives...and this is the best part.
As if you've always been here and we are this intertwined.
We get to know each other's intimate life, our mannerisms, our ways.

We eat together a lot.
There are drinks upon drinks upon drinks to go around.
We take walks and run errands and go shopping and check places out.
It's warm, no matter the temperature outside.

But, the leaving.
I can feel it coming, like this little ticking clock in my head.
And I know some feel that there is nothing to be sad about because it was so much fun it can carry you through, but the leaving.
I whisper in your ear a heartfelt thank you.
Thank you for coming, thank you for the warmth, thank you for the days upon days, the games, the late-night talks, the walks.
Thank you for all the laughing, the belly laughs that I have needed.
Thank you for showing me your soft side and your silly side too.
Thank you for wanting to be with the kids and us and the puppy and thank you for allowing us all to be.
Thank you for bringing her into our lives, for she is what we all never knew we always needed.
Thank you for making someone that was already a jewel in our hearts shine brighter because he was already magic and needed to find someone that appreciates that in him.
Thank you for realizing how much we need each other.

Thank you for our time together.
We love you.

"August is the slow, gentle month that stretches out the longest across the span of a year. It yawns and lingers on with the light in its palms." - Victoria Erickson

We have had one hell of a summer.
Busy, full of travel and sunshine.
We have had long days and warm ones.
We have been on the go and made some incredible memories.

But this August, we are staying put. And I am going to linger.
I am going linger, in the slow, in the warmth, in the sunshine.
I will watch August yawn and stretch.

Sweet August, we treat you like a race to the summer finish line, but instead, I will linger in you.
We speak about you as if you are the end of the magic that is summer, but instead, I will linger in you.
I will watch all four glorious weeks unfold and I will linger.

I will watch how your nights become a little more brisk.
I will sit in your sunshine.
I will drink you in.
This summer, sweet August, I will linger.

I will listen to your thunder storms.
I will watch your hydrangeas bloom.
I will see how you prepare yourself for fall and I will linger.

I will yawn and stretch with you August.
I will make sure to walk on your streets.
I will surround myself in your warmth and I will linger.

I will walk your beaches and your grass.
I will remember the feeling of the sun on my back.
I will feel the light on my face, and I will linger.

I will watch your sunrises and sunsets August.
I will watch how you go back and forth between warm and cool.
I will remember to go slow with you for now is my time to stop.
I will linger.

I will remember how much time you still give us.
I will remember that you are in no rush.
I will remember how much we ache for your warmth during the dead of winter.
I will linger with you August.

I will be slow and gentle with you.
I will get back to my pace, the one that works for me.
I will walk and not run with you.
I will run and not track with you.
I will catch my breath with you.
And I will linger with you August.

Sweet loving August, spread your light over us and watch us linger.