All too soon

We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget. – JOAN DIDION

It can happen with things that seem like they don't matter...why did I come in here again? What was I just about to say?

But it can also happen with the bigger things that do matter.

Like I can't remember how Mia smelled.
I can remember her fur, how soft she was.
I can remember what her face looked like when she was smiling and when she was scared.
But I can't remember her smell.

I can't remember the last time you asked me to pick you up.
I can't remember the last time you came in for a morning snuggle.
I can't remember the last time I gave you a bath, fed you a bottle, changed a diaper.

I am the keeper of all memories and although each and every single one of these things is important, I cannot remember.

I get it, time tries to heal and let go.
Time tries to make it okay to move along.
Time wants to make it okay to move along.

Sometimes, when I think back to relationships, my mind does this thing that remembers all of the good.
My brain won't let me go to the bad.
Sometimes, I can't remember the why and when and how bad it all felt.
Sometimes, I can't call back the pain.
I am not fooling myself and I am not rewriting history. I know the pain was there, but my brain does not want to call it up.

That very much has to be okay too.
I want to have warm memories of my past.
I do not want to always go back to the loss, the concerns, the worry.
I want to remember the love that was shared, the reasons we were in each other's lives, the love we felt.

So I don't remember every fight, but I do remember most moments of touching love.
I don't remember every time I cried because of you, but I do remember the times I cried with you.
I don't remember how many times I wanted to walk away, but I remember why I didn't.

Maybe we don't remember on purpose.
Maybe we want to protect ourselves, our past, our memories, our people.

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