Childhoodtake2!

Those who are not grateful soon begin to complain of everything. – THOMAS MERTON 

Like the weather.
Or how fast time is moving.
Or about the kids. Or about our family. Or about our work.
Or how early it gets dark.
How hard it is to get up in the morning.

So instead, let me break the habit.

Like how much I enjoy each and every single season in NY, so, I may as well lean into the things I love about them.
Like how much earlier I want to sleep and hibernate because it is darker earlier.
Like how much I love to snuggle into a warm bed and that's why it's so hard to leave in the morning.
Like how time is moving way too fast, but I have a front-row seat to our kids getting older.
I get to see my daughter laugh like I do at TV shows.
I get to see my son scream with excitement with his dad at any game.
Like how much family I have surrounding me all of the time.
Like how much joy my career brings me.
Like how hard we work on us and how important that is to me.
And how much you realize how important it is to me so you try too.
Like how I get to work out every single day. My body has not failed me yet and I still get to move and get stronger and better.
Like how calm the water is when Pearl and I go for a walk.
Like how much our puppy loves to go for a walk and how happy she is.
Like having Pearl in our lives at all and realizing there is a true lover of love out there that puts all others to shame.
Like how she gives hugs.
Like how Cole still gives me little guy smooches.
Like how Anna still wraps her arms around me and gives me soft kisses on my nose.
Like our traditions and how important they still are to the kids.
Like my business that keeps me on my toes but doesn't make me feel stepped on.
Like how amazing rain sounds falling on our home.
Like how beautiful the world is covered in white snow.
Like how wonderful it is when the weather turns and we start to feel free outside.
Like how much I adore our Friday nights.
Like how much I look forward to our Sunday dinners
Like how we figured out how to heal before it was too late.
Like how we have each other.

When you were born, I would make jokes about how serious you looked.
I felt like I needed to remind you that the bills are paid, the mortgage is all set, and mom and dad are taking care of the big things.
I know we're new to all of this sweetie, but we're doing okay, right?
Take this weight of the world right off your shoulders.

When you were crazy little, your doctor held you for the first time and she called you an old soul.
We both felt it, like you had done this all before.
As you got to be a few weeks old, we started noticing how much you noticed.
Always aware.

You paid attention. You were very present. You were taking it all in.
How people spoke, their tone, what they said, who they were saying it to.
You paid attention.

You looked for reactions, you wanted to appease.
You really wanted us to be so proud of you.
You really wanted us to smile in your direction.
You were aware of love, and worried about disappointment.

That has not changed.
You are still very aware.
You are still paying attention.
You are very in tune with people, tones, and voices, and emotions.

You paid attention during the years that things were hard for me.
I thought you thought this was just life, but you were aware, this wasn't what I was supposed to be doing any longer.
You saw that I missed you and that I was missing big parts of us.
You paid close attention to the stress, but also the life that we were building.
You were aware.

You were also aware of when it ended and the difference in our lives.
You noticed the slowing down and an actual shift.
You talked about the changes you saw and how things felt different.

When the world shut down, you were aware of what this meant. How big of a deal this was.
You were aware of what mattered the most, what the priorities were.
When we all had no choice but to get back to basics, you were no different.
You became kind to your brother, you started running with me, and you were warm and allowed our home to be even more loving.
You were aware of the importance and how much we all needed each other.

As you grew and grew, you continued to pay attention.
You are always listening.
You notice our arguments and ask questions.
You notice our insane laughter and laugh along.
You notice our time together and never let me forget how much you appreciate it.
You are in awe of our trips. Really the most present person I know. You walk a fine line between recording the memories and living them too.

My daughter, you continue to teach me so much.
You continue to lead our way.
One of your teachers shared with me that I am your living hero and how much you obviously look up to me.
All I have to say is the feeling could not be more mutual.
Because I too am aware and in awe of you sweet girl.
I take careful note of you.
I watch and listen to you.
I stop all I am doing when you get home to be present with you.
I am taking you in and making sure that I am not missing the days anymore.

My daughter, you lead our dance because I know you have done this all before.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on result.

As a result of my choices, I broke.
As a result of my changes, I healed.

As a result of your desire, I mothered.
As a result of my desire, I fell head over heels in love with mothering.

As a result of this head over heels in love with mothering, I have given you my heart.
As a result of my littles, I have a second chance at this.
As a result of their faces, I have never wanted for anything.

As a result of your kindness, I melted.
As a result of my love, I softened.

As a result of my hard work, I have a career that I adore.
As a result of my ability to love hard, I have people who believe in that love.

As a result of my determination, I have proved (to myself) that I can do hard things.
As a result of my healing, I have learned I no longer need to prove I can do hard things (especially to myself).

As a result of my grit, I have worked myself too hard.
As a result of my fear, I have pushed myself too hard.
As a result of my heart, I had the right people telling me to just stop.

As a result of you, I am a hard worker.
As a result of you, I am me.
As a result of you, I have learned what to do as well as what not to do.

As a result of who I am, I continue to work on myself, because I need a lot of work.
As a result of changing tides, relationships, seasons, I have lost a lot.
As a result of loss, I have taken a very close look at myself.

As a result, I am still searching for peace and parts of me.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on maintain.

Clarity.
Trust.
Love and grace.
Space and patience.
Gratitude.
Routines and traditions.
Our foundation.
Our commitment.
Our loving words.
The little in you.
The little kid excitment in all of us.
The smiles that come from your cheeks.
The love you have of friends.
The time I spend on us.
The time I spend on work.
The time I spend on me.

A world that just makes sense to us.
Kindness, curiousity, good judgement.
Our instincts.
Companssion.
A kind and loving heart.

Stealing kisses and smooches and hugs.
Our family unit for as long as possible.
My walks and taking it all in.
The new slow pace.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on season.

Neither does the tree hold back its leaves but lets them flow open or glide away when the time is right. –MARY OLIVER 

We are in a season of serious change.
Not just with the weather getting cooler and not just with the leaves falling and being swept away by the wind.
But with the change occurring in our home.

When the time is right, you lead us to our next step and our next milestone.
You know when it's time to glide away.

It is the season of so many friends and sports.
Our oldest is applying for jobs.
Our youngest is getting less and less little.
Our oldest looks grown.
Our youngest looks like he is in the space between.

As we watch you grow into these actual people, I realize that all I can do is continue to be here, quietly. Watch over you, quietly.
Keep our foundation strong.
Keep our love as a guide.
And remind you we are where you started, where it all started. And we will continue to be right here.

And this mother of yours, the one that was petrified to have you, the one that has fallen in love with motherhood, the one that struggles with milestones, is watching you glide away.

I am beyond lucky to have this front-row seat.
I have watched you become.
I have watched you mature.
I have watched you love.
I have watched you play.
I have watched you learn what you love.
I have watched you figure out how to spend your time and who with.
I have watched you.

But I get it.
It is time for a lot of changes.
You are ready and leading the way.

The season has come and as you break free and let the breeze glide you down your very own path, I will hold strong and watch.