24
Feb

Five Minute Friday - respite

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on respite.

A rest, a moment of relaxation. A chance to breathe, a chance to rest your body, your bones, your mind, your limbs, your joints. A rest that is needed, a respite.

Relief, comfort, and a place to find peace. Peace and comfort. Who is not looking for peace and comfort?

In the beginning of 2020, my entire being was looking for this rest, the relief, this comfort. I needed my mind to stop spinning, my body to stop pushing, I needed my toes and fingers and feet to rest. I needed to find a quiet spot in this world.

I'm sad to say that the world needed to stop spinning for me to get there, but I got there.
I'm sad to say that I needed to be told to not move to stop moving, but I stopped moving.
I'm sad to say that I needed to be told I wasn't allowed to leave my home to find rest, but I did rest.

I found my respite, rest, comfort, calm, and my body felt as if it was melting into beds and chairs. My mind felt better. My brain. My emotions. I felt my rest.

11
Feb

A mother to babies

Many people told me, and still tell me, that I struggle with change.
I believed them - big parts of me still do - after all, when you're told something from those who love you and know you the most, what is there to question?
I understand why. I love a tradition. I love a routine.
However, I have come to realize that I am quite resilient and more comfortable with change than I understood. What was confusing is that although I had to change as a mom, I had to, I did struggle with the growth and milestones.
Kindness eases change / Love quiets fear –OCTAVIA E. BUTLER

I believe that what I struggled with was watching you stop being babies.
I loved being the mother to babies.
I loved protecting your little.
I loved having a little one snuggled on my chest.
I loved how you smelled. I loved the way you laughed at my peek-a-boo.
I loved how your face lit up when I walked in.
I loved feeding you a bottle. I loved your little clothes.
I loved watching you sleep. I loved feeling your breath in and out.
I loved a snuggled you in a crib. I loved you after a bath.
I loved being a mom to babies.
Kindness eases change / Love quiets fear

And you, you were the kindest most gentle introduction to parenthood.
You were full of love and joy and sleep and food.
You slept like angels and ate like champs.
You were a lover of touch and hugs.
And you loved to be a part of this crazy little family.
Kindness eases change / Love quiets fear

When you become a parent, you have to be okay with change.
You are breaking up with yourself every single day.
You are breaking up with your marriage, the parts you thought you would never give up on must change.
You are breaking up with your body.
You have to accept the changes to your home, to your sleep, to your career.
You have to learn to be okay with all of it - or else the insanity of it will consume you.
You have to be flexible and change with the moment.
Kindness eases change / Love quiets fear

You have to constantly reevaluate your parenting style and change and mold and refigure your family out.
You have to change your tone, change your mind, and see things from their point of view.
You have to change your priorities, change your schedule, change big parts of your life.
I had no choice but to accept change and I did.
Kindness eases change / Love quiets fear

When I look at all of our old pictures and see your beaming faces, and your grumpy ones, god I miss you.
I miss the rolls and the insane bursts of love.
I miss the squeals and the silly.
I miss the little hands wrapped around my hand all of the time.
I miss my babies.
Kindness eases change / Love quiets fear

It is no secret that motherhood was not something I longed for.
The fear of all of this, all of the time, was unbearable to think about.
So I went in with eyes wide open.
I knew our marriage would take a hit, I just didn't realize how much.
I knew our money would take a hit, and I planned for it.
I knew our home would change, and I braced myself for it.
I knew my body would have to change and change again and again and again, and I made a commitment to you.
I knew my health would take a hit and I got myself ready.
I knew our lives would change and I opened up my arms to you.
You, you met us with kindness and love.
The kind that eases change and certainly quiets fear.

11
Feb

Five Minute Friday - consume

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on consume.

I make sure you are not my whole life.
I make sure to remember that our window together is forever closing.
You will move on, you will grow and move out, you will find your place/space/family.
I make sure not to be consumed by you.

I realize that motherhood can feel all-consuming, but I don't allow it to be.
I make sure to remember I cannot be all-consumed.
I make sure to remember that I came here with a person I want to remember on the other side.
I make sure to remember that each phase has its different consuming parts but I need to create space.
I make sure not to be consumed by you.

I remember that my job is my joy.
I remember what it was like, felt like to be all consumed by my work.
I remember the resentment, the loving, and living it to death.
I remember how sick I got.
I remember how much I suffered and how much I lost.
I remember what it felt like to be all consumed by my work.
I make sure not to be consumed by you.

It's easy to fall into the path of consumption.
I love you both so much that it makes my insides hurt, how can that not consume my thoughts, and my body?
I love my work and love to work and love to be working and find a hum and rhythm. Why would I not want to always feel that way?
Why would I not want to hear my fingers on my computer and know what to do today?
Why would I not want to be devoured by this feeling?

Because I have been there.
Because I have seen the destruction it causes.
Because I have seen lost parents, unsure what to do now.
Unsure who they are and what their purpose is.
Because I have been lost.
I have been unsure who I am if not my work, my drive.
Because I know it's all fleeting and what matters is not to be overwhelmed all in.
What matters is the dance and the finding of yourself in other things.

I remember to not be consumed.

4
Feb

Five Minute Friday - waste

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on waste.

I realized that my resentment, anger, and frustration were a waste.
I realized that I was wasting my time and my energy.
I realized it was all a waste and holy hell was it heavy.
And so, I needed to find ways to let it go.
I couldn't let all of it go, but the big pieces that were weighing me down.

I realized that reliving, rethinking, and redoing my past was a waste.
I realized that I was living in a place I was no longer standing in.
I was living there and I needed to move on.
Regardless of where everyone else decided to stand, I needed to go.

I realized that worrying about my future was a waste.
I was planning out pieces in my mind like a game of chess but the game was my life and it was exhausting.
What a waste.
There is something to be said about making sure you are ready for unknowns, but the amount of time I put into the "what ifs" was a huge waste.
And so, I worked on finding a way to stand still.

And yes, it was actual work for me.
To not always be thinking in one direction or the other, just stand still.
Not all of the time but a little each day.
And because I had you to watch grow, that made it a little easier.
You were my constant anchor because I wanted to remember your moments.
I wanted to be the keeper of your memories.
And I found that I started to notice things more.
Like the change in seasons in my little town.
Like how silence is an actual sound in winter.
Like how the trees shed their beauty to be able to hold the weight of winter and that in and of itself because gorgeous.
Like how my home is my safety and how lucky I am to have that.
Like how your cheeks get round when you're happy and warm.
Like how you need to tell me everything the minute you walk in the door.

I worked on not wasting my time.
Because that would be a regret.
We cannot forget we are on borrowed time and who are we to waste it?

Follow childhooodtake2!

Back to Top
Social Media Auto Publish Powered By : XYZScripts.com