11
Feb

A mother to babies

Many people told me, and still tell me, that I struggle with change.
I believed them - big parts of me still do - after all, when you're told something from those who love you and know you the most, what is there to question?
I understand why. I love a tradition. I love a routine.
However, I have come to realize that I am quite resilient and more comfortable with change than I understood. What was confusing is that although I had to change as a mom, I had to, I did struggle with the growth and milestones.
Kindness eases change / Love quiets fear –OCTAVIA E. BUTLER

I believe that what I struggled with was watching you stop being babies.
I loved being the mother to babies.
I loved protecting your little.
I loved having a little one snuggled on my chest.
I loved how you smelled. I loved the way you laughed at my peek-a-boo.
I loved how your face lit up when I walked in.
I loved feeding you a bottle. I loved your little clothes.
I loved watching you sleep. I loved feeling your breath in and out.
I loved a snuggled you in a crib. I loved you after a bath.
I loved being a mom to babies.
Kindness eases change / Love quiets fear

And you, you were the kindest most gentle introduction to parenthood.
You were full of love and joy and sleep and food.
You slept like angels and ate like champs.
You were a lover of touch and hugs.
And you loved to be a part of this crazy little family.
Kindness eases change / Love quiets fear

When you become a parent, you have to be okay with change.
You are breaking up with yourself every single day.
You are breaking up with your marriage, the parts you thought you would never give up on must change.
You are breaking up with your body.
You have to accept the changes to your home, to your sleep, to your career.
You have to learn to be okay with all of it - or else the insanity of it will consume you.
You have to be flexible and change with the moment.
Kindness eases change / Love quiets fear

You have to constantly reevaluate your parenting style and change and mold and refigure your family out.
You have to change your tone, change your mind, and see things from their point of view.
You have to change your priorities, change your schedule, change big parts of your life.
I had no choice but to accept change and I did.
Kindness eases change / Love quiets fear

When I look at all of our old pictures and see your beaming faces, and your grumpy ones, god I miss you.
I miss the rolls and the insane bursts of love.
I miss the squeals and the silly.
I miss the little hands wrapped around my hand all of the time.
I miss my babies.
Kindness eases change / Love quiets fear

It is no secret that motherhood was not something I longed for.
The fear of all of this, all of the time, was unbearable to think about.
So I went in with eyes wide open.
I knew our marriage would take a hit, I just didn't realize how much.
I knew our money would take a hit, and I planned for it.
I knew our home would change, and I braced myself for it.
I knew my body would have to change and change again and again and again, and I made a commitment to you.
I knew my health would take a hit and I got myself ready.
I knew our lives would change and I opened up my arms to you.
You, you met us with kindness and love.
The kind that eases change and certainly quiets fear.

11
Feb

Five Minute Friday - consume

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on consume.

I make sure you are not my whole life.
I make sure to remember that our window together is forever closing.
You will move on, you will grow and move out, you will find your place/space/family.
I make sure not to be consumed by you.

I realize that motherhood can feel all-consuming, but I don't allow it to be.
I make sure to remember I cannot be all-consumed.
I make sure to remember that I came here with a person I want to remember on the other side.
I make sure to remember that each phase has its different consuming parts but I need to create space.
I make sure not to be consumed by you.

I remember that my job is my joy.
I remember what it was like, felt like to be all consumed by my work.
I remember the resentment, the loving, and living it to death.
I remember how sick I got.
I remember how much I suffered and how much I lost.
I remember what it felt like to be all consumed by my work.
I make sure not to be consumed by you.

It's easy to fall into the path of consumption.
I love you both so much that it makes my insides hurt, how can that not consume my thoughts, and my body?
I love my work and love to work and love to be working and find a hum and rhythm. Why would I not want to always feel that way?
Why would I not want to hear my fingers on my computer and know what to do today?
Why would I not want to be devoured by this feeling?

Because I have been there.
Because I have seen the destruction it causes.
Because I have seen lost parents, unsure what to do now.
Unsure who they are and what their purpose is.
Because I have been lost.
I have been unsure who I am if not my work, my drive.
Because I know it's all fleeting and what matters is not to be overwhelmed all in.
What matters is the dance and the finding of yourself in other things.

I remember to not be consumed.

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