30
Mar

Five Minute Friday - already

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on already.

You're in high school...already.
You're in middle school...already.
We are one year away from you driving and one year away from college visits, yes, already.
We are talking about what makes you uncomfortable at school and how to get stronger.
We're already there.

You have friends that mean the world and back to you.
You have too many friends to keep track of because just like dad, everyone likes you monkey.
You're into a handful of very specific things.
You're into anything with a ball.
We're already figuring out our schedules around your schedules.

We're able to have date nights again, and now, no babysitter...already.
We're remembering why we love each other again and now, able to remember couplehood...already.
We're already finding our way out of the fog and back into each other's arms.

Pearl has white around her eyes already, her age is starting to show.
She can't keep up as long on our runs, she isn't pulling as hard with puppies up ahead.
She's already getting tired.

I've already been running my company for 8 years, 4 full-time years.
It's already been 4 years since I left the agency that raised me.

We're already in our mid-40s.
I'm already feeling the actual physical changes of my age.
My hair is getting white streaks on the sides.
My body's metabolism is slowing way the hell down.
My heat index is higher and my sleeping is a bit off.
You're feeling them too.
You're more achy. White spots in your beard.
We're already middle-aged.

It's already time to start thinking about our next chapters.
Our little family window is already starting to slowly close.
We're already out of the fog of parenting and into the second to last chapter.
It's already time to start thinking about the next chapters in this life of ours.


25
Mar

Five Minute Friday - blame

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on blame.

I go back and forth.
Blaming only myself, blaming only you, blaming both of us.
My mind is just trying to understand how and why.
I can make sense of some of it, but always thought we would be always and forever.
My joy and fun are gone - because your hearts are no longer in our home.
My joy and fun are gone - because you are.
My safety is gone.
My love of life.
My always and forever.

There are times I am so mad at myself, I second-guess every decision.
There are times I am so mad at you, how dare you cross such a line.
There are times I want to run back into your arms.
There are times I am so sad.
There are times I realize it had to happen, and that we are all better for it.

There are times I blame you for everything.
You held so much power, you were the one in control, and holy hell did you hate losing control.
There are times I pushed and pushed and pushed.
I pushed so hard and every button, I allowed my anger to always win.
There are times I blame you for who I am.
There are times I thank you too.
There are times I fight to not be anything like you.
There are times I lean into who I am because I am proud of what was created.

There are times I am so mad at myself, I second-guess every decision.
There are times I am so mad at you, how dare you cross such a line.
There are times I want to run back into your arms.
There are times I am so sad.
There are times I realize it had to happen, and that we are all better for it.

Blame is all about who was right, who was wrong.
But in the end, none of that matters. None of it really matters.
You either push past, march forward, or walk away, march on.
Who was right, who was wrong be damned.


16
Mar

Five Minute Friday - hurry

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on hurry.

It's such a nice feeling to not be in a constant rush. To not go from one to the next to the other to the next.
It's really calming to not be hurried.

I lived for so many years in a constant state of busy and hurry.
Hurry to the next meeting, put out the next fire, hurry to write this grant, have this conversation, talk about the numbers, look things over and over.
I was in a constant state of hurry-up! And therefore, a constant state of panic.
It's really calming to not be hurried.

When you are in this rush, this worry, this concern of being late...are you ever really listening? Are you ever just there, taking anything in?
When you're always worried about making it to the next "thing" are you really involved with what is in front of you?
Where does your mind go?
It's certainly not being careful, considerate, or slow to react.
Certainly not rooted in the work you need to do just right now.
It's really calming to not be hurried.

It feels like you are in a constant scramble and at one point do you get to unclench, take a breath, or sit in any silence?
Certainly not when you are feel like time is running out so go go go!
It's really calming to not be hurried.

I wasted so much time thinking about my next thing.
I wore my busy badge of honor like a force.
I kept up with a pace that was not sustainable and it wasn't.
And now, I have learned my lesson and will not go back to who I was.
It's really calming to not be hurried.

11
Mar

Losing your heart

I lost my heart.
And you did too.

I lost who I was and what I love most about myself.
And you did too.

I lost my smile and any ease I had (which already was so little).
And you did too.

I felt lost.
Like I couldn't even imagine who I was anymore.
Or who I wanted to be because I felt so alone.
I couldn't image what I would become if I didn't have this heart to lead my way.
I felt uncomfortable.
Like I still wanted to shine, but I also needed and wanted to hide.
I wanted to continue just loving the parts of me that I loved and grow the parts of me that need growth, but I also wanted to go the hell away.
But you did not.

I lost my heart.
And you did too.

We talk a lot about how I am feeling through it all.
Not because we don't recognize the change in you, but because I need to talk it out. And I need to do that with you.
We don't talk about the change in you and there are times you won't acknowledge your change at all.
But, we lost our hearts. We lost who we are, who we fell in love with.
Not out of growth, but out of pain and stress and pressure.

I lost my heart.
And you did too.

I do not know how to find it again or who I will be from here on out.
As for you, you are starting to come to grips with your change. You are starting to realize you want to find who you were and bring that person back into our light.
You are finding your softer edges and your joy again. You are finding your heart, who you were - who you always were - and who you still are.

I lost my heart.
And you did too.
I lost who I was.
And you did too.
I lost who I wanted to be.
And I'm still quite a bit lost.

I will work on me because you are working on you.
I will work on what I will now become because you are getting back to who you were.

I lost my heart.
And you did too.

11
Mar

Five Minute Friday - Dedicate

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on dedicate.

I was once dedicated to one thing.
Not because nothing else mattered but because I thought I didn't matter.
I thought the space I took up didn't matter.
So I put my head down and got to work on things that mattered.

And then I broke. I shattered into a million different pieces and I realized how much matters.
How much I needed to dedicate myself to myself in order to dedicate myself to all of you.
My eyes are open now, I see how the change has mattered. I see how my relationship with you has mattered.

I didn't just put you here, I chose to put you here.
I picked this life so I will be damned if I don't dedicate myself and my heart to it.
I dedicated myself to myself, to you, to our walks, to our time together, to reading, to yoga, to my body, to my rest.

I picked me, you, them, us.
And I have loved my time.

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