19
May

Shame.

Good morning lovies.
Let's have a talk, about shame.

I was recently told that shame is one of the hardest emotions to navigate.
Shame keeps you stuck in all that went wrong, in all that is wrong with you.
And, there is nothing wrong with you. Or me. Or anyone.
We are all just trying to figure this out.
So, I'm thinking a lot about shame.

I'm thinking about what it means to me, how I also do not navigate it well, and how it has kept me stuck.
How it has made me smaller, more quiet. Sadder.
Stuck in the pain, in the hurt, in the belief that I'm not okay.
Shame keeps us stuck.

Let's talk about it.
For some reason, shame isn't an emotion that we ask anyone to tap into.
I don't remember at any point in your childhood asking you to identify a feeling and coming up with shame.
Hurt, pained, sad, angry, hungry, tired, embarrassed even, but I don't ever remember saying to you,
...do you feel ashamed?
So, 15 years into this life of ours,
let's talk about it.

Shame, by definition, means you were left feeling wrong.
Foolish.
You were humiliated and you felt like you were to blame for it.
By definition, humiliated. That's a powerful word.
And so is shame.
Shame is a powerful word with a lot of meaning and I cannot believe after all I have been through, I haven't tapped into it before.
I always used the word embarrassed.
I was always left feeling embarrassed.
But embarrassment can mean that the other person was wrong and you were left holding the bag. They could have embarrassed you by their actions.
But shame, shame is about humiliating you. And that's actually what happened to me quite a bit.
That's what has been happening to me now.
I have been ashamed of myself.
I was made to feel shame. I was humiliated. And that's why it hurts so so much.
I was humiliated by those who claimed and claim to love me.
Humiliated.
So, let's talk about the shame of that.

Humiliated for feeling too much.
Too strongly.
Being too much.
Too too much.
Having too many feelings.
Feeling big, I've been told.
I feel things big, I've been told.
I have big feelings, I've been told.
I love hard.
I tantrum hard.
I get angry and it comes out strongly.
I get hurt too easily, I've been told
Because I'm too sensitive, I've been told
I expect too much because I am too much.
I love too much.
I think my life is too perfect.
I think my life is too hard.
I'm not really honest.
I'm too honest.
I am too positive.
I am too negative.
I have no boundaries.
I'm too private and I don't share enough
I.
I.
I.
Too.
Too.
Too.

God dammit. Even as I write this all out, how did I not see it?
How did I not immediately tap into shame and humiliation?
How was I not so so angry?
I believed them. All of them.
All of my life.
I believed you.
Because I heard it, from many.
And I didn't just say then f-off, I believed you.
I still believe you.
Because if so many people around you are saying it, it has to be true right?
It's not that I am finding the wrong people or those who are not protecting my light, it's that they are right, I am exhausting.
Don't I sound exhausting?
So, yeah, let's talk about shame.

Because even if I am exhausting.
Even if I am someone that feels and loves and fights too big.
Even if I am someone that expects a lot.
There are kinder and more loving ways to express that.
But instead, you picked humiliation, and I was ashamed.
Then, I went and hid.
I still want to hide.
Because I'm not ready to come out yet.
The shame I feel, because I do still believe you.
So, let's talk about that lovies.

Let's tap into the feeling.
Sit in it as long as we need to.
Let's talk about how people can find your weak spot.
Let's talk about how there are annoying parts of all of us.
Let's talk about how we accept those we love.
Let's talk about how we accept ourselves.
Let's talk about how we work on ourselves but believe in our being.
Believe in who we are and how hard it is to shut out the noise.
Let's talk about it and keep thinking and talking.
Because shame is a powerful emotion.

19
May

Five Minute Friday - finally!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on finally!

I'm finally starting to dig into what is wrong.
I'm finally starting to look a little deeper.
I'm finally starting to find out why it hurt so much, more than just the obvious.
More than just I feel too much.
I'm finally wanting to find a different way and feel better.

I'm finally ready to start my long climb out of this.
I'm at least ready to start facing it.
And what it meant to me.

I'm ready to start putting some emotions around it.
More than sad, lonely, angry, hurt.
I'm ready to hear what work I have to do.

I'm finally ready to start thinking it through.
I'm finally ready to start wanting to be comfortable with me again.
I'm finally ready to start wanting to be comfortable in my skin again.
I'm finally ready to be okay with me.

I realize that the climb is long and difficult and there are going to be a ton of hurdles.
I'm finally ready to stand at the bottom and not feel crushed by how overwhelming it looks.
I'm finally ready to take a few steps in the right direction...up.

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