Five Minute Friday - through

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on through.

I wish I could say I was through with it all.
I wish I could tell you I'm myself now...not back to being myself (because I still don't know if I want to go back) but through this bullshit I'm feeling.
I wish I could say I was officially through it.

But instead, I'm still going through it.
And that's okay too.
I have to take this time and feel it all. Give me a really good look, really dive into me. Figure out my next steps, place, being.
I have to feel all the things I'm feeling.
Sad, emotional, alone, angered, broken, shameful, hurt, lucky, still in love, grateful.
All the emotions, kind of all at once.
I have to go through it all.

So I will.
It has been slow and painful.
It has been long and taken up too much head space.
But all of it is necessary.
In the process, I will slow down my breathing, my racing heart.
I will continue to step back, and honor beauty.
I will inhale and listen to myself exhale.
I will place a hand over my heart, I will hug a little deeper.
I will hug you, all of you.
I will demand smooches, ones that last for at least six seconds.
I will demand hugs too, ones that last for at least 20 seconds.
I will remember who I was, and I will think about who I want to be.
I will keep going through it all.



There was a word that was always used to describe you.
His heart is special.

From the moment you were born, the nurses would tell me,
...there's something special about this one. He just makes you feel good being close to him...
Like the sun. Like the actual sun.

You're so special that you made a hardened man squishy.
Even he saw it in you.
Special, there's something really special about Cole.
That kid's heart is different and please make sure the world doesn't hurt him. Make sure he doesn't change.
That's what he chose to tell me when he found out his time with us was winding down.
He chose to think of you, and you're heart.

You're so special that every single teacher I have ever met tells me that he/she wishes the class had 100 Coles.
You make the room feel different.
You make your classmates feel good.
You bring out the best in people.
You're never afraid to show it, how good you want them to feel.
You're never afraid to be the one cheering the loudest for your friends.
Special, there's something so special about his heart.

You're so special that I do not spend one ounce of time worrying about you.
You're so special that you calmed my craze about being neat and perfect.
I know you're messy.
I know you lose things.
I know you're disorganized.
I know you will always struggle with that stuff.
But who in the hell really cares about any of that?
You turned this crazy, impossibly perfect, crazy about neatness and cleansing mamma into someone who no longer cares.
I now see Legos everywhere and I do not care.
Crumbs fall out of you.
You always have someone on your face or clothes.
But that heart, that special heart.

You're so special that everyone knows you.
You're so special that people will ask me from afar, is that one yours? Does he belong to you? Because he's my absolute favorite to watch.
You're so special that every one lights up around you.
You're so special that everyone becomes their best selves.
You're so special you make others feel special, and happy, and at ease, and joyful.
You're so special, you have a superpower.

So, to my one and only love at first sight.
To my special special boy with a special heart full of love...
...the night before you turned 12, I crept into your room.
You don't ask us to snuggle with you anymore. You say goodnight downstairs now.
But if I do come up, you smile wide, you hug hard, and you make room for me.
But on this night, you were reading, and you put your book down. You gave me that smile that makes my heart burst open because it's so real, so genuine, so pure.
I sat down and true to form, I started to tear up a bit. I started to think about little you, getting bigger you, the you that is growing up, right in front of me.
And I just had to remind you.
You're really special.

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