Childhoodtake2!

"And the sun took a step back, the leaves lulled themselves to sleep and autumn was awakened." - Raquel Franco

It's fall in NY. The weather is changing, the trees are changing, the plants are starting to hibernate. The mornings have a bite to them now, the evenings too.
Something about this specific change in season brings an actual change in me.
No other season change produces such strong and conflicting emotions.

There is a part of me that is longing for the start of routines and schedules and the quiet that falls on my home. There is also a part of me that is so sad about letting go the warmth, the freeness, the chaos of summer, and all of us together so so much.

There is a part of me that is ready for shorter days and snuggling in. The early darkness that causes us all to feel tired sooner and ready for the hibernation. There is also a part of me that knows how much I am going to miss long days, so much sun, and really late sunsets.

There is a part of me that realizes that the trees remind us how beautiful it is to shed yourself, let things go, let go of what once was so you can grow into something beautiful again and again. There is also a part of me that is sad to see leaves fall and knows I will miss all the green that I have been surrounded with.

There is a part of me that wants to be covered in blankets, wants to be warm in sweats, and sit by the fireplace. There is also a part of me that will miss swimming, bronzed skin, so much sunshine, and warmth from the outside.

This push/pull is where I spend so much of my time. For most of my life. I live in the sadness of letting go and the excitement of what's to come. I live in a world of shedding what is no longer available and the desperation of holding on forever. How more appropriate could it be that this season holds my birthday? The season that starts with my birth, the season of change, of shedding, of hibernation, of letting go?
I hear you universe, I am working on it.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on advantage.

Littles, you have an advantage in this world.
Because you were brought up in a home with love.
Because you will always and forever be supported.
Never a question, never a doubt, you will always be supported.
Because you have a foundation, a strong one.
Because you can always and forever come home again.

Littles, you have an advantage in this world.
Because you were brought up by parents who have space in their lives.
Because you were brought up by parents that have coping mechanisms.
Because we are privileged enough to have all of these things.

Littles, you have an advantage in this world.
Because of how you look.
Because you will never have to be concerned about that.
Because you will never have to worry about how your name sounds on a resume.
Because you will be raised in an environment where you don't have to worry about anything.

Littles, you have an advantage in this world.
Because your needs are met.
Without ever ever even considering the alternative, your needs are met.
Because we can make education a priority.
Because we have space to make other things important.
Because we are not in survival mode, ever.

There are those that have advantages in this world. You are both in that camp.
That does not mean you will not have to work hard.
That does not mean you will not work for what you get.
It means you do not start in the negative. You come from a place of positivity, and the right cards are laid out in front of you.
Know that the advantage comes with responsibility.
Responsibility to make sure you use your advantage to help others.
To speak up and out.
To use your appearance to speak for those who aren't given a place at the table to speak!
Your advantage comes with responsibility lovies.
Use it to bring others up and protect their light.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on matter.

It matters.
Words matter.
How it feels matters.
I matter too.

You matter.
Your thoughts matter.
How you feel matters.
I matter too.

Love matters.
Our love matters.
Family matters.
Our family matters.
I matter too.

How I feel matters.
My thoughts matter.
How I was talked to matters.
How I was treated matters.
I matter too.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on preserve.

We are headed into the strangest part of parenting.
The part where we let go.
But a lot.
Every single day, we let go a lot.

And I am bombarded with pictures, and social media memories, and letters I have written, that remind me of the little I once had in my home.
I had little.
So much little.
But really adorable little.

I would think that I would want to preserve all of us ...after all, I am the mom who struggles with change and moving forward.
Almost in a tomb preserve.
But that is the strangest part of all.
I am letting go because I too am ready.
I am seeing the joy it brings all of us.
Joy, actual joy.

When you spend a decade and a half raising the best people you know.
You are excited for their future.
You are happy for their freedom.
You want to trust in their choices.
You want to be their for the mistakes because it's still so safe to make those mistakes.
You want to let go, have them move on, move forward.

So, no, your crazy mom will not preserve who we were.
I will not force you to hold on to what no longer serves us.
I will only be the stable foundation from which you have built a life.

Love.
Crazy head over feet in love kind of love.
Knock me down, love.
Touch me all the time love.
Toes curled in sheets love.
Romantic, head over feet in love, love.
Romance and desire love.
Being taken by surprise love.
Being swept up in love love.

Young love.
Smiles across the table love.
Stolen glances love.
Sparks, real sparks love.
Can't keep our hands off of each other love.
Carefree love.
Easy to be in love, love.

Family.
Real family.
Family that accepts, loves, cherishes, wants to support.
Family that protects.
Family that holds on.
Family that you can rely on.
Family that you can lean on.
Family that can hold you up, builds you up.
Family that understands and takes care.
Family that cares to take care.
Family who is the base, the foundation, the rocks that we only build from.

Comfort.
Loving comfort and comforting love.
Being home love and then coming home, love.
Family love.
Happy in love, love.
Holding hands love.
Touching toes love.
Being secure and safe.
Being comfortable.
Being yourself.
Being in your home, being home, being surrounded by you.

Soothing.
Someone who knows how to soothe.
Someone who cares to soothe.
Someone who wants to hear you out so that you can soothe.
Someone who doesn't force you to self-soothe always and forever.
Someone who offers a loving ear, hand, shoulder, and soothing.

What I have, what I can physically hold, is
love
family
comfort
connection

I have a Sunday call that fills me with spirits.
I have a husband with whom I am head over heels in love.
I have children, children I didn't even realize I needed and I love love love being their mom.
I love love love being a mom, but I adore being their mom.
I have a group of women that I rely on, that comfort me, that understand me.
I have a job that completes me.
I have a puppy that cannot get enough of me.
I have a town that I am obsessed with.
I have a home built out of love, comfort, and ease.
I have people that love me so hard that others dislike me.
I have a heart, a heart for others, a heart for love.
I have a warm and comfortable bed that I have a love affair with.
I have books that take me away when I need to escape.

I have love, comfort, connections, people.