Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on persevere.

This year, I promised to protect myself.
My light.
My insides.
My calm.
Me. I promised to protect me.

I wanted to persevere in who I am, what makes me - me.
I have to persist and hammer on because I have not just lost my way, I've lost myself.
I've allowed all the negativity in.
I've allowed all the noise in.
And I have to protect and persevere me.

I have to hold on to myself.
I have to remember myself.
I have to continue and carry on.

I cannot continue to vanish away, hide, get small.
I have to go on.
So, I sat down and thought about who I am.
What makes me, me.
What makes me feel like me.
And I decided to protect my light.
And so, once a day, or at minimum a few days a week, I say a little prayer, I set a little intention...
I see and protect the light in me.
And the light in me, sees and protects the light in you.

Because, that's who I am!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on extra.

It's what I've been called so I finally just said it's what I am.
It's how I have spent the past three or more years defining myself.
Extra - too much - too big - too loud - too sensitive - too much.

It definitely did start when I was little.
I was the louder daughter.
I was more dramatic.
I rocked the boat.
I was so much, too much.

And then it carried on with others.
And so, I believed them all.
Extra - too much - too big - too loud - too sensitive - too much.

And now, in my 40s, the title fits too snug and so I retreated.
I went away.
I got as small as possible.
I curled up into the tightest of balls and I just took notice and took note and got even smaller.
I am hopeful that I will find a balance soon.
Somewhere between too much and not enough.
I am searching for me.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on invest.

Today, I woke up to the sound of a heavy rain falling down.
In my quiet home, all dark and cozy.
All I wanted, needed, was to invest in myself and lean into the peace close my eyes again.
Instead, I had meetings and deadlines, and I didn't want to let down my team.
I didn't pick me, again.

I have been thinking about this recently, how to best invest in myself.
Maybe it's the new "self-care"? Maybe it's because I have shown myself so little grace and self compassion recently that I am trying to figure out how to turn that train around.

And that's what it feels like. It feels like moving a mountain and physically, with my hands, turning a train around. It feels close to impossible.

So, instead of all of a sudden being someone that has grace and self-compassion, let me start with little investments in me.

Little things like taking a break and sitting down to read.
That massage I have needed and wanted for so long.
That bath I want to sink my bones into.
That music I should play while I'm going about my day.
Eating more frequently - and with a little more intention.
Writing - I feel like I have taken such a step back from writing because how many times can I talk about how disappointed I am in me.

Little investments in me.
Let's start somewhere.

I am not a stranger to the dark
"Hide away, " they say
"'Cause we don't want your broken parts"
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
"Run away, " they say
"No one'll love you as you are"

It's time.
I have been going around and around and around this topic.
But it's time.
I have to define who I want to be.
I have to remember the part of me that I love and respect, and then I need to honor and protect that person.
I have to see and protect the light in me.

It all started with a deep cut.
One that had me on the crumpled on the floor for months.
One that had me unraveled, unhinged, so terribly sad and alone.

And then, hit number two came out of actual nowhere.
It was devastating. I was devastated.
I hid and went away.
I lost sight of all of me.
I didn't even know who I was, who I wanted to be, or how to pick myself up.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

This is me.
Kind - loyal - loving - a good listener - a good friend - a good mom - a caring person that loves with all she has and with all she is.

This is me.
A dog lover - a puppy kisses lover- a puppy walks lover. A person who can't wait to get home to see them, hug them, and snuggle in bed with them.

This is me.
A lover - of naps, and working out hard, and a lover of my people. I love romance, I'm someone who loves to love.

This is me.
Someone who needs work - who works hard. I love to feel that useful, that in control, that driven, that focused. I'm someone who needs to work - someone who needs to feel close to her work and valued.

This is me.
Someone who wants to embrace being calmer - someone who wants to contain more of her shame, contain more of her emotions and mature.

This is me.
I was scarred and badly bruised.
I was scared and still am frightened of my own shadow.
I am brave enough to walk through fear and use it to fuel me.

But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

This is me.
I thought I was over my past - Completely over it and only occasionally triggered and angered.
I thought I was surrounded by all that nourished and made me whole and vibrant.
But when that all went away and so I went away.
I allowed it to break me down to dust, and I lost my luster, my heart, my light.
I stopped protecting my light.

Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)

I have not learned how to not allow the shame to sink in.
I have not gotten to that place yet, I do not know if I ever will.
I do not know if I will ever have that fully in me.
But, I will work and work and work on myself.
I will find my light. I will protect my light. I will continue to grow.

Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me