Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on many I have missed.
Honor.
I am beyond honored that you both call me mom.
I am beyond grateful to you both.
I wear that title on my heart, and you both know I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I am honored to be your mom.
It is an honor to watch you grow into the people you are and will one day become.
My front row seat at your life, a true honor.
I am in awe every time I hear you call for me.
I am honored to have that name.
I am honored to be your mom.
I am honored to be in our life.
To laugh with you, the hug you.
I am honored that you beam up at me, that you still feel joy in being around me.
I am honored that I picked the bigger life.
I am honored to be your mom.
Panic.
I have spent many years holding my breath.
I have lived so many days/weeks/months/years in panic that it feels like a lifetime.
But in reality, it was a short time in my life, and instead of moving forward, panic is my go-to.
It's what I feel when I hint at something going wrong.
It's what I feel when I hit a stumbling block.
Panic, dread, concern, worry, guilt.
I have also spent many many years finding my breath.
I use my mat to take in the air, to focus on my breathing, to listen and feel how I can use my breath.
How I can slowly breathe in and out through my nose, not my mouth.
I cannot choose to walk away from panic. But I can focus more.
I can find calm more quickly. I can hold space for the reaction before I become my reaction.
I can hold space.
Circle.
When I find my people, those in my circle, whom I trust, I am an all-in girl.
When I find the ones I love, I wrap all of myself around them.
I keep them safe, I protect their light, they hold and protect me too.
I feel safe around them. I feel like I can be me, all of me.
When I feel most like myself, my body feels light.
My heart feels full, and it is filled with pure joy.
My laughter is different. The talks are different.
I am all of me.
When I find my circle, it is damn near impossible for me to let go.
And if I have to, it is damn near devastating.
Because when you give all of you, and that goes away, you lose so so much of you.
I am rethinking the all in version of me.
Maybe I need a little more space.
Maybe I need less.
Maybe.
Transform.
I have been going through so many changes, or are they transformations?
Is there a difference?
I have had many realizations, many, many an ah-ha moment.
I have come to many realizations, many moments of clarity.
What I have come to understand is that clarity sometimes brings about peace.
A feeling of "of course..."
Sometimes, the pain still lingers, but you hold on to the clarity like an anchor.
Sometimes, the clarity doesn't matter because to transformation is so hard.
And even though it's so clear, it still feels like mud.
What I have come to understand is that you have to go through the goo phase of the caterpillar.
It has to get so ugly and become something that doesn't even share the same DNA of as former self in order to emerge.
What I have really come to understand is that transformation is not only hard, but really pretty, almost beautiful.
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