Childhoodtake2!

April — Renew

Intention: Clear space.
Release habits, commitments, and thoughts that no longer fit who I am becoming.

Dear April.
You are trying so hard to bring about warmth, but, you are struggling to let go of the past.
So you are clinging to the cold, and refusing to move on.

That's okay, April. I do the same thing, and instead of being angry that we are still a little stuck, let's remember that we will move forward in our own time.
We will move on when we are ready and when the cold is no longer bearable.
We will move on when the rain has washed enough of the snow and mud and dirt away.

And we know, when we do, we will bring about a warmth that will be embraced.
When we come out of hibernation, we will have a reawakening.
We have spent so long all cooped up; people are ready to see your face again.
People are ready to love you again.

So, take your time April. Make sure you are ready for the rebirth, for the growth, for the sunshine, and for the spring to flow heaveningly into summer.

In the meantime, let's clear some space. Let's have the rain wash away some of the cold edges.
Let's let the thunder clear the air.
Let's clean out the trash and the old and the no longer needed junk.
Let's make some space for what is to come.

Let's welcome the color that is popping up everywhere.
Let's welcome back the sun as she sets later and later.
Let's say good morning to her as she rises with you now.
Let's make space for what is to come.

Spring and a fresh renewing.

I have been really focused on your birth this year.
Seventeen feels, seems, is older.
Older than I am ready for at times.
So, I am feeling all of my feelings.
I am deep into the memories of that day, those hours.

And today, you drove us around, running errands, listening to your tunes, me dancing and singing...just a little...with you. And I could not take my eyes off of you.
I am so so proud of who you are.

But 17 means more college visits.
More planning for your incredible future.
More plans.
You having a life.
A whole life.
One that is getting bigger and bigger and my view is getting smaller, just as it should.
Our next season is starting.

The one where we start to count down the one year we have left of 24-7 access and all of the time together.
The one with family shows, movie nights, all of it.
Because you have bigger things to do and bigger things to tackle, and bigger things to embrace.
You have a much bigger plan than this little life.

I am forever proud of us Bella.
I am forever proud of how close we still are.
And as we move further and further away from one another, as you go off and live this life you want, I promise to give you all the space while always being your foundation.

And I have had this incredible front row seat, to this incredible walking around human.
And I love you for always.

Tomorrow, at 6:45pm, will be 17-years of me sitting and realizing my water broke.
The hospital stay from hell.
The worry, the laughs, the pain, the exhaustion, the pushing, the surgery, the worth it moment when I finally saw you.
And then, the face, eyes, noices, little, sleepy faces, crying, I fell so so hard for.

And I continue to fall harder and harder each day.
Happy birthday sweet angel of mine.
Happy 17th birthday to my amazing and wonderful daughter.
I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart.