Childhoodtake2!

I have been having a case of the mamma blues.
I have been feeling disconnected, disjointed, and unaware.
I have been missing the little, the cuteness, the wanting to be "just like mom".
I have been really really missing my kiddos.

Yes, they are right here with me.
Yes, we see and talk to each other all of the time.
But lately, they have been getting so big and going so fast that my head is spinning a bit and I feel off.
I feel like we're off.

And then, I came back from a weekend getaway.
I was greeted with the biggest smile I had ever seen.
My daughter baked me a birthday cake.
My son gave me little guy smooches.
And our little team was back.

And then, we went and worked out together.
And this daughter of mine, the one I was in twisted knots about, she kicked ass.
She pushed herself, but hard.
She picked up weights she hadn't even dreamed she could before and she pushed and pushed.
We did thrusters together and she kept up. She pushed and pushed and pushed and after every block, she looked for me to high-five.
And our little team was back.

And then, we came home and she told me all about her weekend, all about her time.
She filled me in on some of her friends and she talked and talked, just like she always does, about nothing, but just wanting to talk.
We made dinner together, turned on our show, we laughed together.
And our little team, we're back.

And then, our son and my hubby ran off to practice.
And my son wanted to try a play HE came up with.
And my hubby worked it into the rotation, and he was proud.
And they love doing this together.
And our little team, we are back.

And my hubby and I got two days away.
We ate and drank and smooched and walked and shopped and talked and smooched some more.
We hiked and played around, we laughed and held hands and touched toes.
We watched movies and smooched.
And our little team, we are back.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on escape.

For the first time since COVID, I walked back into a yoga class.
For the first time since the world stopped spinning, I planted my butt on a mat.
I listened to my breath. And I stretched and melted.
I escaped.

It's early and either hot or cold.
It's just me and Pearl and no music, no podcast. Just the sound of my very awkward feet hitting the road.
You can really hear me breathing, because I'm not a good or strong runner, but I do run.
I escape.

A couple of years ago, I stopped racing. I stopped proving I could do hard things.
So, I started really enjoying a walk.
First thing in the morning, last thing at night, middle of the day walking.
Pearl is actually smiling on these walks, and so am I .
I escape.

Walking into the damn gym, the one with the really loud music.
So damn early, it's still dark out.
Everyone is tired, but everyone showed up.
And the coaches are motivating as hell and you walk out feeling...different.
It's a way to escape.

I guess movement is my escape. It's my mental release.
It's my reminder that I can move, I need to move. My mind needs me moving.
It's how I let go, give up control.
I stop caring about how awkward I look, how wrong ease pose looks, how I don't hold a position correctly, how my body stumbles and my balance is a bit off.
It's fine, I'm here and I'm escaping.

It may well be that those whose work is their pleasure are those who most need the means of banishing it at intervals from their minds. – WINSTON CHURCHILL 

Mr. Churchill, hell to the yes!

It is no secret that I love to work.
I love love love it.
I love to feel the hum of my work.
I love the way I feel when I'm working.
I love that I am good at it.
I love how I can problem-solve.
I love my team.
I love how well they know me, I love how well we balance each other.
I love love love my work and I love love love to work.

It may well be that those whose work is their pleasure are those who most need the means of banishing it at intervals from their minds.

I love my new business.
I love the work I'm doing.
I love how well it's going.
I love the ups and the downs.
I love how I can do it anywhere, anytime.
If I have extra time, I will find work to do, there is always work to do.
I love love love my work and I love love love to work.

It may well be that those whose work is their pleasure are those who most need the means of banishing it at intervals from their minds.

But I am someone who, once upon a time, loved her work to actual death.
I am someone who, once upon a time, became only her work.
I am someone who, once upon a time, only had her work and became so unbalanced, overworked, and exhausted that I loved my work to death.
Actual death.
I killed my love, my joy, my hum. I killed the love love love that I have for my work and my love love love to work.

It may well be that those whose work is their pleasure are those who most need the means of banishing it at intervals from their minds.

So, it's different now.
It HAS to be.
Now, do I actually banish it from my mind? No.
Do I take long breaks meaning days/weeks away? No.
Do I take actual breaks in my day-to-day? Yes.
Do I find other things that bring me joy/make me feel whole? Yes.
Have I found my balance? Hell yes.

I once again found my hum.
My steps.
My joy. My love love love of work and my love love love to work.
I found out what it looks like to finally figure it out.

We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget. – JOAN DIDION

It can happen with things that seem like they don't matter...why did I come in here again? What was I just about to say?

But it can also happen with the bigger things that do matter.

Like I can't remember how Mia smelled.
I can remember her fur, how soft she was.
I can remember what her face looked like when she was smiling and when she was scared.
But I can't remember her smell.

I can't remember the last time you asked me to pick you up.
I can't remember the last time you came in for a morning snuggle.
I can't remember the last time I gave you a bath, fed you a bottle, changed a diaper.

I am the keeper of all memories and although each and every single one of these things is important, I cannot remember.

I get it, time tries to heal and let go.
Time tries to make it okay to move along.
Time wants to make it okay to move along.

Sometimes, when I think back to relationships, my mind does this thing that remembers all of the good.
My brain won't let me go to the bad.
Sometimes, I can't remember the why and when and how bad it all felt.
Sometimes, I can't call back the pain.
I am not fooling myself and I am not rewriting history. I know the pain was there, but my brain does not want to call it up.

That very much has to be okay too.
I want to have warm memories of my past.
I do not want to always go back to the loss, the concerns, the worry.
I want to remember the love that was shared, the reasons we were in each other's lives, the love we felt.

So I don't remember every fight, but I do remember most moments of touching love.
I don't remember every time I cried because of you, but I do remember the times I cried with you.
I don't remember how many times I wanted to walk away, but I remember why I didn't.

Maybe we don't remember on purpose.
Maybe we want to protect ourselves, our past, our memories, our people.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on absence.

In the absence of protection, I built walls.
In the absence of support, I created supports.
In the absence of encouragement, I proved over and over and over that I could do hard things.
In the absence of unconditional love, I went searching.

I angered many along the way.
I got my heart broken because of my own hard lines.
I would wash my hands so easily.
I would fight any fight just to fight.
I fell for people hard.
I was searching.

When I found what I never knew I was always looking for, I felt a weight lifted.
I felt lighter, happier, and at peace.
And when I started to create my own family, I built my own protections.
I built my own support, encouragement, and unconditional love.
I stopped being so mad.
I retired my fighting gloves.
I stopped proving I could do hard things and I started appreciating what I did.

Through all of this, I have always loved my people.
I have always looked at others who just know what to do and how to do it and why they are doing it in awe.
I have looked at their healthy personalities in awe.
I continue to learn from you because, in the absence of guidance, I found my own light in the darkness.

Now, with our kids at this stage, this age, this time in our lives...I am leaning a little more on my own instincts.
What works for us.
In the absence of anger, I have found a way to be more open.
In the absence of being constantly angry at myself, I have found a way to be more self-accepting.
In the absence of self-doubt, I have found my way.

"Surround yourself with relentless humans.
People who plan in decades, but live in moments.
Train like savages, but create like artists.
Obsess in work, relax in life.
People who know this is finite, and choose to play infinite games.
Find people scaling mountains. Climb together."

When I tuck you in at night, or when we are having a quiet moment, I whisper..."remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

And I forgot this message, or maybe I never learned it, for myself.

I have spent the last 18 months making myself smaller.
I have been made to feel as though I am too much.
I have been told I am too much.
I have definitely felt like I am too much.
Too open, too all in, too emotional, too sensitive.
I am too much to take.
I take too much on.
I have too many requirements.
I have too many moments to celebrate, no one can keep up.
I have too many routines.
I am crazy, no, too crazy.
I am too much to take.

And, it's all true.

So I retreated to become less.
And where I landed was being less me.
Less vibrant, less passionate, less loving, less interested.

"Your light may irritate a lot of unhealed people.
Shine anyway."

I have tried to fit into a more stable box.
One that has a nice tight lid.
One that is smaller in size.
One that does not take up space.

I wanted to be unseen, unheard, uninvolved.

And, it still wasn't enough.

I was still sought out.
I was still called names.
I still felt hurt, and very seen.
I was left feeling inside out and outside in.

I got even smaller.
I was more quiet. I was more withdrawn.
I hid. All the while, smiling through it.

It is my year of self respect.
It was time for me to look at myself to see what I was doing to attract pain...I am the common denominator.

All while I was telling you two to be who you are. At your core. Don't let this world change you. Try and allow your light to change the world...even when it gets hard.

"remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

So then I started calling myself names.
Hypocrite. Unauthentic. Maybe there is something wrong with my heart. Maybe my issues are that I am searching for something that can't be filled externally. I am just too damn much.

Or. Maybe it's not about me at all.
Or. Maybe it is.

Maybe it says something about me that I am searching.
Maybe it says something about me that I am in pain.
Maybe it says something about me that I do love hard.
Maybe it says something about me that I feel energy and emotions and can pick up on the room's energy.
Maybe it says something about me that people can feel my energy.

Maybe it is way too much.
Maybe I exhaust myself and others.
Maybe there is a lighter, smaller, easier way.
Maybe I can live a smaller life.

"remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

I do not have nor do I want a smaller life.
I do not live nor do I want to live in a glimmer-less world.
I do not want to pretend that the little things are special.
I do not want to smile through it.
I do not want to be closed off.
I do not want to not love with all I have.
I do not want to be less obsessed with what I love.

I want to plan in decades, because I see you in my future.
I want to be the one that shows up, because I love you.
I want to be the one you can count on, because I am here.
I want to be the one that understands you can't talk right now, because sometimes time is the best medicine.
I want to be the lover of life.
I want to be as passionate as I am.
I want to cry when things move me.
I want to laugh when things are funny.
I want to remember that there are dark corners everywhere so I'm okay celebrating light.
I want to tell you how beautiful you are because I believe it.
I want to listen to you, because life can be a lot and we all need good listeners.
I want to love what I love because it moves me.
I want to love a book so much I don't want it to end. And I want to be okay with the fact that I'm actually sad that it did end.
I want to be obsessed with our lives - because sometimes, it is so beautiful it could be a dream.
I want to be all in, because I'm an all in girl.
I want to be a light, because I know how dark it can get.
I want to be and am madly in love with a puppy we adopted. Because it is crazy how much I love her.
I want to find peace, love, relaxation in long rainy days. I want to linger in the sound.
I want to find comfort and warmth in snow days. I want to linger in the cozy.
I want to be obsessed with my work because I love love love to work. Because I am a relentless human.
I want to love how much I train like a savage. I put effort into me, my body, my health, my mind, my care. Because I am a relentless human.
I want to be the one you find to scale that mountain with. Because I am a relentless human.
I want to okay with being me. Because I am a relentless human.

"remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

To my littles and to myself...
"Keep good company, read good books, love good things and cultivate soul and body as faithfully as you can" - Louisa May Alcott

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on replace.

I am teaching myself to replace words like thick with athletic.
I am learning how to replace my negative thoughts with reminders of strength.
I am working on replacing "what am I doing wrong" with "I was not treated well."
I am working on me.

I am teaching myself that if it doesn't fit, it wasn't made for my body - so replace it with something else.
I am learning that muscles can be beautiful too and strength is something I have always wanted - so replace it with lean.
I am working on setting healthier lines in the sand - so replace the negativity in my life.

I am so keenly aware of the darkness in the world - so replace them with glimmers.
I am tapped into others emotions and allow them to replace my own; I take on the energy around me.
I am so tired of the bullshit, so replace it with moments of unbelievable beauty.

I will not be thick skinned, ever. But I can replace my see through body with shining a little brighter.
I will not be mean, ever. But I can replace my empath with not taking full responsibility.
I will not be cruel - but that means I have to stop being cruel to myself too. I have to find a way to replace my own sabotaged self thoughts.

I have spent a more than half this year with an eye on self respect.
I am working on me.

Each of us is born with a box of matches inside us but we can't strike them all by ourselves. - –LAURA ESQUIVEL

Nor should we.

That's why we need to find people that ignite our flames.
That set us on fire.
That realize we have something so bright and warm inside of us that needs to be fueled.

That's why we go and find our people.

That's why we need to find the flame in others.
Allow them to set their own world on fire.
Allow their hearts to feel the warmth they naturally carry.
Allow their body to realize the light they carry is so strong, it cannot be extinguished.

That's why we go and find our people.

The ones that know our mess.
The ones that don't care that we are messy.
The ones that laugh with us.
The ones that find us to be funny right in our mess.
The ones that tamper the mess with their own balance.
The ones that call us out and allow us to be, all at the same time.
The ones that know our story, know our why.
The ones that make us think and grow.
The ones that hold us close.
The ones that tell us their own messes.
The ones that we allow to be messy.
The ones that are happy and sad and there when needed.
The ones that we shine brightest with.

That's why we go and find our people.

This world is filled with bright lights, if we look in the right places.
This world is filled with dark corners, if we look in the right places.
This world is filled with people that will light you up and
this world is filled with people that will dim your fire.

That's why we go and find our people.

Pick those that make you feel alive.
Pick those that make you laugh from your belly.
Pick those that fuel the fire you already have in you.
Pick those that you want to ignite their flames too.
You want to help them strike that match and the one after that.

That's why we go and find our people.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on moment.

Our first nephew leaves for school this week.
I remember the day he was born.
I remember the drive from Rochester to be there.
I remember the look on my parent's faces.
I remember the excitement, my dad couldn't sit still.
I remember how much pain my sister was in.
I remember how long he took.

I remember how I held you, I remember them telling us your name.
I remember how little you were.
And then, in a moment, you're off.

You're the first of the four.
First of the four to do everything, sweetie.
Go to school, drive, high school, college trips.
The first of the four to head out.

Last night, when we talked about your first few days there, I got so excited for you.
And then, when we talked about you entering this world, my heart pulled a little.

This life that we are granted, is filled with moments.
Like when our kids start walking, talking, and asking for us.
Like first smiles, like looks across a room, like me knowing what you need more than anyone else.
Like learning to ride bikes and learning to ask for things and learning to make friends.
Like the first days of school and the last days of school.
Like starting days and ending them.

Moments, you have filled our world and our lives with moments.
Moments we remember, moments we want to forget, moments we treasure, moments we hold on to, moments we have let go.
Like them starting off on their lives, setting this world on fire like you set our hearts on fire.

To the little group of four.
We love you and the moments you have given us.

One’s life begins on so many occasions, constructing itself out of accident derived from coincidence compounded by character. - Donald Hall

Like the day I left.
Like the day I started on my own.
Like the day I fell in love for the very first time.
Like the day I met my family of girls.
Like the day I fell in love with him.
Like the day I adopted Mia.
Like the day I adopted you.
Like the day we fell in love.
Like the day a doctor told us my life would be a little harder.
Like the day we decided to grow our family.
Like the day we lost Mia.
Like the day we went and picked up Pearl.

Like the days upon days upon days, we try and try again.
Like the times we spend not connecting.
Like the times we reconnect.
Like the day I turned 40.
Like the day I lost my dad.
Like the year we spent healing.

Our life begins over and over and over again.
What is amazing - and at times miraculous - about family, and loves, and partners, is that you go through this rebirth, this new you, the new beginning and you still love each other.
As long as your foundation stays solid, you love the new person standing before you.
As long as your character is still in place, you know this is the direction you want to keep going in.
As long as you are not strangers, you find a way to start your life over, together.

What is amazing is that with each new, comes an opportunity to easily walk away.
Grow apart.
Grow in different directions.
Especially when you start young.
But sometimes, you find a fit that grows with you or finds a way to allow you to grow.

My life has started and restarted and restarted a million different times.
Sometimes, most times, on purpose.
Sometimes, on total accident.
But, here I stand, a million times me.

Over and over and over again, me.

Yes, I'm a little worn.
Yes, I'm quite a bit older.
No, that does not mean I'm wiser or have most or any answers.
It just means that I have restarted, every single time that I have needed to, I have restarted.