15
Jun

Five Minute Friday - cover

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on cover.

There are going to be moments in your life when you are desperate to put the covers back over your head, call it a day, even before the day starts.
There are going to be moments in your life when you can't wait to rip the covers off, and get up and go.
There are going to be moments in your life when you feel like you are constantly taking cover, protecting yourself from the shards of glass being thrown at you.
There are moments in life that you will feel like you are being held by a warm and comforting blanket.
There are so many moments in life, so many emotions that go into this life, the experience of living.

There are going to be moments in your life when you will feel like you have to cover your real emotions up.
There are going to be moments in your life when you will feel like you have to put on a pretty happy face, be the cover of the magazine, smile wide.
There will be moments in your life when you will cover up who you really are. Either out of protection or confusion. But find you again, look hard and don't stop searching.
There are so many moments in life, so many emotions that go into this life, the experience of living.

Take the peace and comfort a cover can provide.
Take the time you need to snuggle in.
When you are ready, rip them off.
Stretch wide and far.
One huge inhale and let it go.
Remember who you are, where you're headed.
Remember what it means to be you.
And step into the world.

8
Jun

Author unknown - but wow

"I think about her all the time. I wonder where she is and how her kids are doing. But if I saw her stepping down a grocery aisle towards me, I would turn and walk away.

I still laugh to myself at our inside jokes and I think about her every time I put on that particular sweater and somewhere in my house there are pictures of her still framed. And if she called me tomorrow, there's not one single chance that I would pick up the phone.

I think about her when I light fall candles or when I make really good pasta or when I drink a strong vodka and Sprite. I think about her when the leaves turn orange and red and sometimes I can still hear her voice in my head. Sometimes I run into our mutual acquaintances and I don't ask about her because

I just don't want to know her anymore.

I want her to be happy and I want her to have all of the wins. I want her to get out of bed in the morning and feel the sunlight on her cheeks and I want the coffee she drinks to be not-too-hot, but she isn't on my Christmas card list anymore. She is just not invited anymore and we are not even old friends.

Sometimes a crack turns into a sever and a sever turns into an amputation and -

Even though phantom pains still haunt my insides, I'm still glad that she was excised.

Friendships are funny I guess. We're all adults and we're all out here trying our best and we're all failing sometimes. And I guess that means we're failing each other sometimes too.I think we don't mean to...no. I think we really do mean well, but sometimes people become collateral damage and that's really just a fancy phrase for,

'I'm sorry I somehow lost you while I was triaging my own self worth.'

I think it must be okay to say that I miss them sometimes, but no-

that doesn't mean I want to know them anymore. I think it must be okay to say that I miss them sometimes, but this new version of me - this new version that's a little more whole and a lot more strong and a tiny bit lighter, well,

she doesn't have room for friends that carry words for weapons pointed at the backs of others.

This new version of me

simply turned the corner

and walked the other way.

And it was all okay.

Love you, mean it."

-S.

2
Jun

Five Minute Friday - through

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on through.

I wish I could say I was through with it all.
I wish I could tell you I'm myself now...not back to being myself (because I still don't know if I want to go back) but through this bullshit I'm feeling.
I wish I could say I was officially through it.

But instead, I'm still going through it.
And that's okay too.
I have to take this time and feel it all. Give me a really good look, really dive into me. Figure out my next steps, place, being.
I have to feel all the things I'm feeling.
Sad, emotional, alone, angered, broken, shameful, hurt, lucky, still in love, grateful.
All the emotions, kind of all at once.
I have to go through it all.

So I will.
It has been slow and painful.
It has been long and taken up too much head space.
But all of it is necessary.
In the process, I will slow down my breathing, my racing heart.
I will continue to step back, and honor beauty.
I will inhale and listen to myself exhale.
I will place a hand over my heart, I will hug a little deeper.
I will hug you, all of you.
I will demand smooches, ones that last for at least six seconds.
I will demand hugs too, ones that last for at least 20 seconds.
I will remember who I was, and I will think about who I want to be.
I will keep going through it all.

2
Jun

Special.

There was a word that was always used to describe you.
Special.
His heart is special.

From the moment you were born, the nurses would tell me,
...there's something special about this one. He just makes you feel good being close to him...
Like the sun. Like the actual sun.

You're so special that you made a hardened man squishy.
Even he saw it in you.
Special, there's something really special about Cole.
That kid's heart is different and please make sure the world doesn't hurt him. Make sure he doesn't change.
That's what he chose to tell me when he found out his time with us was winding down.
He chose to think of you, and you're heart.
Special.

You're so special that every single teacher I have ever met tells me that he/she wishes the class had 100 Coles.
You make the room feel different.
You make your classmates feel good.
You bring out the best in people.
You're never afraid to show it, how good you want them to feel.
You're never afraid to be the one cheering the loudest for your friends.
Special, there's something so special about his heart.

You're so special that I do not spend one ounce of time worrying about you.
You're so special that you calmed my craze about being neat and perfect.
I know you're messy.
I know you lose things.
I know you're disorganized.
I know you will always struggle with that stuff.
But who in the hell really cares about any of that?
You turned this crazy, impossibly perfect, crazy about neatness and cleansing mamma into someone who no longer cares.
I now see Legos everywhere and I do not care.
Crumbs fall out of you.
You always have someone on your face or clothes.
But that heart, that special heart.

You're so special that everyone knows you.
You're so special that people will ask me from afar, is that one yours? Does he belong to you? Because he's my absolute favorite to watch.
You're so special that every one lights up around you.
You're so special that everyone becomes their best selves.
You're so special you make others feel special, and happy, and at ease, and joyful.
You're so special, you have a superpower.

So, to my one and only love at first sight.
To my special special boy with a special heart full of love...
...the night before you turned 12, I crept into your room.
You don't ask us to snuggle with you anymore. You say goodnight downstairs now.
But if I do come up, you smile wide, you hug hard, and you make room for me.
But on this night, you were reading, and you put your book down. You gave me that smile that makes my heart burst open because it's so real, so genuine, so pure.
I sat down and true to form, I started to tear up a bit. I started to think about little you, getting bigger you, the you that is growing up, right in front of me.
And I just had to remind you.
You're really special.

27
May

Watch out!

Watch out world, she's coming your way!

It was the start of your freshman year and I felt the clock start ticking.
I knew how quickly the four years would fly.
I knew it was going to come and go so I kept my eyes wide open, I didn't want to blink one time.
And then, even before I knew it, year one was over.
Over and done with.

Watch out world, she's coming your way!

She's so strong.
She's so kind.
She's so strong.
She's so brave.
She's so confident.
She's so smart.
She's so pretty.
She's so what I want to be when I grow up.
She's the love of my life.

Watch out world, she's coming your way!

She's planning for her sophomore year.
We're planning for some college visits.
She's starting to figure out if she can see herself here, or there.
She's starting to talk about her future.
One without us, because life will go on without us.
That's the whole point, we get you for this small window of time and then you go.
You go and do and be.
Your life becomes and we get to watch, from very far away.

Watch out world, she's coming your way!

We're starting to think about driving.
Adding another driver to our family.
She's putting together a resume for jobs.
She's applied for part-time work and she's been proactive about it.
She's ready, she's always way more ready than I am.

Watch out world, she's coming your way!

She knows who she is today.
She's confident in her skin.
She knows her worth, what she offers, and what she brings to the table.
She knows what she deserves and she won't take less.
She knows she is ready for this world and she is ready to take it on.

Watch out world, she's coming your way!

25
May

Five Minute Friday - nothing.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on nothing!

There is nothing you can do to make me love you more or less.

Good morning littles.
I wanted you to know this one very important fact about us.
Nothing.
There is nothing in this world you can do to make me love you more.
I already love you with everything that I have and am.
I already look at you like you are my moon and stars.
I already want to be you when I grow up.
There is nothing, nothing in this world that will change that.
You can become you and I will be right here, loving you.
So don't you ever worry about me and making me feel anything because all I feel is love.
You go, you do you. You have no pressure on this end to do this or that.
Because there is nothing you can do to make me love you more.

Nothing.
There is nothing in this world you can do to make me love you less.
There is nothing you can come home and tell me that would break that love.
There is nothing you can do to break us, we are solid. My love holds us steady so don't you worry for one second.
Nothing.
Nothing will ever change that. Nothing will dim it or cool it.
So don't you worry about ever telling me anything because nothing wipes this love away.
You have no pressure on this end to keep things buried.
Because all I will ever feel is love and more and more and more love.
Because there is nothing you can do to make me ever love you less.

Nothing.
There is nothing you can do to make me love you more or less.

19
May

Shame.

Good morning lovies.
Let's have a talk, about shame.

I was recently told that shame is one of the hardest emotions to navigate.
Shame keeps you stuck in all that went wrong, in all that is wrong with you.
And, there is nothing wrong with you. Or me. Or anyone.
We are all just trying to figure this out.
So, I'm thinking a lot about shame.

I'm thinking about what it means to me, how I also do not navigate it well, and how it has kept me stuck.
How it has made me smaller, more quiet. Sadder.
Stuck in the pain, in the hurt, in the belief that I'm not okay.
Shame keeps us stuck.

Let's talk about it.
For some reason, shame isn't an emotion that we ask anyone to tap into.
I don't remember at any point in your childhood asking you to identify a feeling and coming up with shame.
Hurt, pained, sad, angry, hungry, tired, embarrassed even, but I don't ever remember saying to you,
...do you feel ashamed?
So, 15 years into this life of ours,
let's talk about it.

Shame, by definition, means you were left feeling wrong.
Foolish.
You were humiliated and you felt like you were to blame for it.
By definition, humiliated. That's a powerful word.
And so is shame.
Shame is a powerful word with a lot of meaning and I cannot believe after all I have been through, I haven't tapped into it before.
I always used the word embarrassed.
I was always left feeling embarrassed.
But embarrassment can mean that the other person was wrong and you were left holding the bag. They could have embarrassed you by their actions.
But shame, shame is about humiliating you. And that's actually what happened to me quite a bit.
That's what has been happening to me now.
I have been ashamed of myself.
I was made to feel shame. I was humiliated. And that's why it hurts so so much.
I was humiliated by those who claimed and claim to love me.
Humiliated.
So, let's talk about the shame of that.

Humiliated for feeling too much.
Too strongly.
Being too much.
Too too much.
Having too many feelings.
Feeling big, I've been told.
I feel things big, I've been told.
I have big feelings, I've been told.
I love hard.
I tantrum hard.
I get angry and it comes out strongly.
I get hurt too easily, I've been told
Because I'm too sensitive, I've been told
I expect too much because I am too much.
I love too much.
I think my life is too perfect.
I think my life is too hard.
I'm not really honest.
I'm too honest.
I am too positive.
I am too negative.
I have no boundaries.
I'm too private and I don't share enough
I.
I.
I.
Too.
Too.
Too.

God dammit. Even as I write this all out, how did I not see it?
How did I not immediately tap into shame and humiliation?
How was I not so so angry?
I believed them. All of them.
All of my life.
I believed you.
Because I heard it, from many.
And I didn't just say then f-off, I believed you.
I still believe you.
Because if so many people around you are saying it, it has to be true right?
It's not that I am finding the wrong people or those who are not protecting my light, it's that they are right, I am exhausting.
Don't I sound exhausting?
So, yeah, let's talk about shame.

Because even if I am exhausting.
Even if I am someone that feels and loves and fights too big.
Even if I am someone that expects a lot.
There are kinder and more loving ways to express that.
But instead, you picked humiliation, and I was ashamed.
Then, I went and hid.
I still want to hide.
Because I'm not ready to come out yet.
The shame I feel, because I do still believe you.
So, let's talk about that lovies.

Let's tap into the feeling.
Sit in it as long as we need to.
Let's talk about how people can find your weak spot.
Let's talk about how there are annoying parts of all of us.
Let's talk about how we accept those we love.
Let's talk about how we accept ourselves.
Let's talk about how we work on ourselves but believe in our being.
Believe in who we are and how hard it is to shut out the noise.
Let's talk about it and keep thinking and talking.
Because shame is a powerful emotion.

19
May

Five Minute Friday - finally!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on finally!

I'm finally starting to dig into what is wrong.
I'm finally starting to look a little deeper.
I'm finally starting to find out why it hurt so much, more than just the obvious.
More than just I feel too much.
I'm finally wanting to find a different way and feel better.

I'm finally ready to start my long climb out of this.
I'm at least ready to start facing it.
And what it meant to me.

I'm ready to start putting some emotions around it.
More than sad, lonely, angry, hurt.
I'm ready to hear what work I have to do.

I'm finally ready to start thinking it through.
I'm finally ready to start wanting to be comfortable with me again.
I'm finally ready to start wanting to be comfortable in my skin again.
I'm finally ready to be okay with me.

I realize that the climb is long and difficult and there are going to be a ton of hurdles.
I'm finally ready to stand at the bottom and not feel crushed by how overwhelming it looks.
I'm finally ready to take a few steps in the right direction...up.

14
May

It means everything

To mother means something, to love like one means everything.

I am not your everything, you are not mine. But together, we are everything I ever wanted to be.
As I enter my 15th year of motherhood I have learned that

  • I miss my babies
  • I have made so many mistakes but have no regrets
  • I apologize often
  • I remember so much of your childhood and believe I always will
  • You continue to teach and lead, I continue to learn and follow
  • You will always be more ready than I am and I just have to take a deep breath and trust
  • You are the best people I know
  • You are who I want to be more like

I still want you to know that

  • There is nothing you can do to make me love you more or less.
  • I am still learning. Anna, you are forever and always my first attempt. Cole, you will forever and always want and need to do it differently so I'm still learning.
  • I am so so happy that I picked the bigger life and decided to say yes to motherhood. You are my best decision.
  • You both make me melt with pride. And love. And like. And amazement. You make me melt with all of it.
  • I might actually love you more than Pearl. Maybe. Kind of. Sometimes. When the moon and stars align just right.
  • I wanted this life. I never ever knew it, but I wanted this exact life.
  • Your dad always knew you would be a part of his story.
  • You have honored me and given me the privilege of having a front-row seat to this life you are making for yourself.
  • I am in love with you.

To mother means something, to love like one means everything.

To love like a mother means that I would give up my life for you, but not who I am.
I would give up my breath, but not my air.
I would give up my ability to walk and talk, but not my voice and rhythm.

I have gone through the stages of infant-to baby-to toddler-to child- to big kid-to teenager.
I have loved like only a mother can. As only a mother can.
I have loved with all that I have and all that I was.
I love with all that I have and all that I am.
I have broken up with myself and my person and my old life.
I have found a new me, a new us, a new life.
I am grateful to you for all that we are.

To mother means something, to love like one means everything.

13
May

Five Minute Friday - Someday

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on someday.

It will happen as soon as I turn my back.
The quiet that will fill our home.
It will happen that I will drop you, a piece of me, someone that came from me, someone that I felt forever connected to off.
Someday, you will walk away from this home and I will be so proud, so in awe.
Of your beauty, your grace, your mind, your attention, your love.
Someday my heart will break and rise at the same exact time.

Someday, I will look back on this life that I lead, the one I am in right now, and I will ache.
I will ache for the foursome I so deeply love.
I will ache for a family movie night.
I will ache for piles of us, all on top of each other.
I will ache to take another picture with you, of you, one from afar.
I will ache for us, someday.

Someday, I hope to return to who I once was, who I want to be again but am living in such deep fear and pain that I can't.
Someday, I hope to give less of a shit and let my heart shine again, let it out into the world again.
Someday, I hope to reclaim my voice, my strength, my heart.
Someday I hope to see and recognize myself again.

Someday I will set the world on fire with my love, just like I once did.
Someday, I will remind myself of who I am, what I'm made of, and why it matters.
Someday, when I look back, this will be a blip and I will see that the story of love was written.

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