I saw the look on your face as you made your way over. Walking over to me and you know where you belong, how we fit just right and how the night will go. You take your spot in my arms, resting against my chest. All snuggled on our chair, wrapped completely in my arms, almost as if we were one, it's how we spend our Friday nights...and it's how the two of us got started, on that chair...
On the screen, Brave is playing and a mom and daughter fight and push each other away, purposefully hurt one another and destroy their family unit. Their actions are harsh, their words are hateful, their eyes tell their story of years of anguish and frustration, with each other. And I hold you a little tighter. With each new scene you ask me what's happening now and as I explain how angry the daughter is and how she has to ride away from her family, away from her mom. I explain how mad the mom is and why she is crying, why she pushed her away and I hold you even tighter.
When our harsh moments are upon us, they are filled with two stubborn women, with strong minded spirit. Our fights include clenched hands, count downs, and both of us frustrated and ready to dig ourselves in even farther. Me trying to assert the fact that I'm your mother and you trying to assert the fact that you're a four year old person. They come with yelling and crying and at the worst times, silence. And all I want you to know is, I'm not giving up on you or on us. I am doing this for you, for your character, and, in the end, for your independence.
As the movie comes to an end, she holds her mom in her arms, tells her she realizes she was always there for her, realizes all she sacrificed for her and how much she loves her back. "You were always there mommy, don't leave me now." And I hold you a little tighter. They kiss like a mom and toddler kiss, sloppy and everywhere and I hold you even tighter.
That's when I ask you, do you think we'll fight like that Anna? When you get bigger, do you think we'll fight like that? And you whisper "no" with your arms around my neck and you kiss me on the cheek. Why, why do you think we won't fight? "Because I don't want to fight with you mommy". As the tears stream down my face, you hold me and ask "why are you crying mommy, what's wrong?" And all I can say, because I love you and you make me happy.
This is our moment, one I will never forget. I tell you that you can write your own story. You determine your future, and you make your dreams a reality. I know you don't understand, I know you're far too young, but I have to keep driving the point home because there will come a day when it will click and my words will have meaning.
There will come a day when you are so happy and filled with so much love you too will cry. You will feel the weight of family, however you define it, and it will move you to uncontrollable tears. I want love to spill out of you, like it does today and like you have it spill out of me. I want your laugh to continue to take over your body and I want your tears of love to feel the weight of family.
And I whisper, I won't forget tonight.
You are an awesome writer. The way you write about both the victories and challenges of parenting is really amazing. I love your blog and I love the 5 minute Friday thing!
Wow, you really warmed my heart with your comment. Thank you for following me on this difficult journey. I know all mom's understand how trying this is. Parenting is the most difficult thing two people do together. No doubt!
Yes, parenting is really challenging lately. I just can't believe the difference between two children and one. I look back on life with one child and feel like I had it under control. My parents are visiting this weekend and thank goodness they were, because we needed the help. Then after dinner tonight my dad says "wow, Molly really keeps you on your toes, huh?". that's the understatement of the year! Typical 2nd child? Just her personality? Or maybe Anna was this crazy too and I just don't remember it well? I don't know! Anyway, your posts are always so heartfelt and any parent completely understands exactly what you're saying!
I was just saying two isn't twice the work, it's just
a lot more work. With one, I was actually thinking, what is the big deal, this is so manageable, but two is crazy and they are crazy and Cole is constantly driving me crazy. Deep breaths and hugs.