Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on owe.

Go.

I owe you my happiness because you gave me mine.
I owe you my smile because yours is sunshine.
I owe you my heart because you make it beat.
I owe you my commitment to us because you are committed to us.
I owe you my joy because you gave me yours.

I owe you my motherhood because you convinced me to mother.
I owe you my kids' eyes because they are yours.
I owe you my home because you built all of it.

I owe you my soul because you brought it to life.
I owe you toes because they are happiest touching yours.
I owe you my hands because they are the happiest holding yours.
I owe you my health because you took care of me, you take care of me.

I owe you my hugs because you give the best ones.
I owe you my smooches because you are one amazing smoocher.
I owe you my time because 23 years is a long flipping time.
I owe you forgiveness because we all make mistakes.
I owe you apologies because we all make mistakes.

I owe you this life, the one we created, built, fought for, fight for.
I owe you.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on have.

To have and to hold.
To hold your hand.
To have your back.

To hold you and your courage up.
To have your love wrapped up in all of me.

To hold on to who we were.
To have a plan for where we are going.

To hold on to our past and our simple.
To have excitement for all of our tomorrows.

To hold on to your smile, your warmth.
To have that smile live on in our beautiful children.

To hold up my end of us.
To have you carry me.

To hold on to why we started, what makes us...us.
To have our memories keep us warm during the darkest times.

To hold you, snuggle into my place in your nook.
To have you hold me too, and remember where I am most safe.

To hold in a deep breath, remember to exhale, and let go of the pain we have created, caused, lived through.
To have us each take a step back, take a look at the beautiful life we actually created, and remember how lucky we are.

To have and to hold sweet love.

All one could do was to get on with the one job that nobody else could do, the job of being oneself. - Monica Dickens

So tell me what that looks like for you because here is what I see...

I see a 14-year-old Queen ready to take this world on.
I see her hell-bent on living her very best life with her very best girls by her side.
I see a young woman about to explode into who she is...and become.
I see you sweet girl, now go be the very best version of you.
You have one job, to be you.

I see an almost 11-year-old boy that is so confident in his heart and incredible personality that he attracts good.
He is the definition of good and his whole being is about caring.
I see moments of him being out of sorts and in those moments stuck in time, I see all of our hearts break.
I see a boy that is trying to figure out how to still be squishy and lovable but also set up some boundaries.
I see a boy that is exploring and always moving and always bobbing and always being him.
I see him becoming.
I see you sweet boy, now go be the very best version of you.
You have one job, to be you.

I see a man, the man I fell in love with.
I see him laughing more.
I see him finding his strength in parenting.
I see him finding his strength.
I see him still in a cloud of rainbows, unwilling to face most pain.
I see him loving his life and always finding the best in everyone.
I see you sweet love, I see your heart.
You have one job, to continue to be the unicorn you are.

I see a couple that started their love affair with simple, easy love.
I see a couple that started with smiles and bursting with affection.
I see a couple that added to that love and faced some stuff.
I see a couple that walked through fog and mud for years and years and years.
I see a couple that continues to hold hands, touch toes, laugh, snuggle, smooch.
I see us sweet love, we need to be the best version of ourselves.
We have one job, to be us.

I see a mom, an introverted mom, in her mid-40s.
I see her having lost so much in her heart these past years.
I see her having to find her way, once again.
I see her starting over, starting new.
I see her starting something just for her and loving it.
I see her letting go of pain and loving that too.
But I see her still trying to find a really big piece of her heart.
I see her becoming the next version of her.
She has one job, to be herself.

On holiday it is the reversing of normal habits that does one so much good. - R. C. SHERRIFF

Every vacation dad and I switch personalities.
I become very calm, I don't want to see a schedule, I get up late, I went to spend the entire time sleeping.
I still work, but here and there and just enough to keep up and even that, there is a different feeling about the work.

Dad, on vacation, loves a schedule.
Loves an agenda.
Loves a place to be and things to see.
Loves to get up and out the door early.
We have crowned him AIS...he will leave without us.
Waiting around makes him cringe.
Doing nothing all day, don't even try.

Even when it comes to planning for the trip.
It has been so long since I have planned a single trip or even helped, that I'm not sure I would even know how.
I don't know if I would know how to book a flight or how to navigate traveling.
I am literally along for the ride.
I normally have no idea where we are headed, how we are going to get there, or what we're going to eat, Dad just does it all for us.

And sometimes, I feel so bad. He works so so hard for us to get these trips just right.
But then I also realize how much he really really loves all the planning and going down rabbit holes for years to get it just right.
I do not have that kind of patience.

And as soon as we get there, it's on.
It makes me laugh, every single time, how we become the other person the second vacation starts.
I never understood it.

How does the type A mom that has everything in her life scheduled let go that much?
How does the calm and laid-back dad with no cares in the world suddenly snap to?

And then I saw this little sentence.
This little expression that made me pause.

This February we are away.
We went to a Cuse basketball game.
We're headed to Baltimore and then Philly.
Dad has it all planned out.
The routes to take, the way the car needs to be set up, the places he wants to see, the reservations he has, even the music he wants for his road trip.

At the end of every vacation he always asks, did I do a good job?
Like a little sweetheart asking for praise.
Of course you did sweetie.
You always get it just right.

Thank you Coach. You have given us so many memories.
Although I complain about some of the go-go-go of it all, I also know that if it weren't for you, we wouldn't have been able to do any of this.
Thank you for all of your hours of research.
Thank you for bookkeeping everything as soon as we need to.
Thank you for having us see all of the places and do all of the things.
Thank you for all of your attention and for making sure we book some downtime for me.

Me, I'll just pack my bag, follow you like a little lost puppy, and grab a nap where ever and whenever I can!

Oh joy begin
Weak little thing
More precious there'll be nothing, no
Oh joy begin

Sweet loves of mine...
I have shared how motherhood was not what I had imagined in my life.
I have shared how worried I always was to be a mom.
I have shared how I put motherhood out of my mind.
But I share my life with a man that would not have it any other way.
Fatherhood was always a part of his story.

More precious there'll be nothing, no
Oh joy begin

When you first came into our lives, the joy of parenting was overwhelming.
I cannot begin to tell you how at peace I was in our first three years of life.
Joy had entered my soul in a way that I did not realize would happen.
My connection to your father was so intense, we were living a significant part of our purpose...
not just to be parents, but to be your parents.
I had no fear, I had no concerns, I just mothered and loved.
Let's not forget these early days...oh joy begin

And then, without warning, without realizing it...a fog came over us.
Draped in a heavy cloud, gray, full of darkness, it fell hard and fast.
We then spent years of our lives blindly stumbling through, no longer co-parenting, no longer connected, no longer living our purpose, but continuously trying.
We landed in such a way that our love allowed us to clear a path...we always knew we were all still there, we just needed to find a way, our way.
We lose our way in fear and pain...oh joy begin

As we lived through this fog, I look back and think of how thick it was to fight our way through.
Not our coach, he doesn't even remember it.
As I look back, I think of the pain, the tears, the difficulties.
Not our coach, he remembers our children growing up in front of his eyes.
And the truth is, we are both right. Both of those things happened at the same time.

More precious there'll be nothing, no
Oh joy begin

Looking back at our time together, so many things developed.
You grew, you grew and you grew and you grew and you grew.
And so did we.
Together, we built on something and intentionally tried to find joy.

We made joyous decisions like...
we would travel and give you experiences.
we would show you parts of the country and world that we hadn't seen.
We made joyous decisions like...
we would give you opportunities to try new things, things you wanted to try
instruments and sports and clubs and friends
We made joyous decisions like...
we would fill our home with traditions and foundations that you relied on
we would fall back to the real us and snuggle in
we would show each other love in wonderful ways
we would rely on each other
We made joyous decisions like
we would adopt and take care of a dog
we would show them our love and attention
we would take care of them and hold them as close as we held each other
We made joyous decisions like
we would read together
we would play board games
we would watch movie series
we would connect, in any way possible, we would connect.

After so many years, the fog is definitely lifting.
We can see how much more clearly now.
We have repaired much of the hurt we have faced.
We allowed love to fix the broken and find our way back.
There are reasons we are here now...

First and foremost, we would not give up on us.
With you growing, I leaned so heavily on dad and his parenting style.
We talked and talked and talked.
We listened to each other and made changes based on the pain we were causing.
We lost a lot together, more than we knew we were going to. More than we had imagined at this point in our lives. And, when you really are family, well, you fall into each other during significant loss and pain. You push each other to look differently at life. You ask each other about different ways it could have gone. You support each other, but also make sure you are being honest. You remember that your person makes you the best version of you and you show up.
We remembered that we are partners in the best way. It's the most wonderful thing about us lovies and recently, it has become so evident and makes me well, joyful.

It is important to me that you hear and remember all of us sweet loves.
Life, relationships, marriage, and partners, it is work. Real-life work. Forever work. The most important work.
It is so easy to love in the hard, it is so so easy to love in the easy. It is so easy to love in the beginning.
It is so much work to love forever. The most important job you will have is being in a relationship...any relationship. Friendships, forever loves, family, framily...they are all important work...our most important work.
Because why else are we all here if not to connect, support, love, push, cherish, engage, challenge, and adore one another?

If you ever find yourself in the deep of the fog, keep talking, keep searching, keep remembering.
Do not forget your story, your connection, your reasons.
Do not believe the lies of everyday bliss and joy.
Do not believe that there will not be fog.
Do not believe that the work isn't worth it, it always is.
Do not forget our story, our love story.
The one that began with two innocent kids, falling so easily for each other.
Finding joy so remarkably easily.
And then with intention, finding our way back.

With laughter sing, oh life begin
First just one step

We lived the whole of our early lives under the rule of postponement: life was not in the present, it was always ahead of us. Somewhere in the future we would be the people we intended to be. - Diana Trilling - The Beginning of the Journey

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
I was the best of the best at this. I always thought to myself, I need to get through _____________.
This month, this quarter, this week, this year, these next three years. Three years of waiting on happiness.
I always thought, put it off...whatever it was...put it off until you're older.
Save the trips for retirement, save the money for a rainy day, see the world another time, save for later.
Save all you have, someday you can use it. What if something were to happen and you needed it?

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
And then I saw how quickly life passes you by.
I saw so many important people around me waiting.
I saw how little our window of time with our littles really is - how little time we have to be just us four + puppy.
And then I saw, there was nothing to wait for, we have now, what are we waiting on?

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
I saw people wait to enjoy life until after, and then I saw that time taken from them.
I saw them robbed of their tomorrow.
I saw how difficult things are when you get older, and how many things get more difficult with age.
I saw us planning, me planning, always waiting on the future us.
And then I saw, there was nothing to wait for, we have now, what are we waiting on?

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
And then, I stopped. I stopped waiting and I stopped looking forward to tomorrow only.
I am not saying that I am in the present all of the time.
I am not saying that I am never in a season of hard.
I am not saying that I do not get weighed down with heavy or worried.
But I have stopped waiting.

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
It's a strange thing to have gone through the pain of walking your parent to their final days.
It's a strange thing to have lived your life buried in work and everything feeling too heavy.
It's a strange thing to define yourself by your work and feel unsatisfied with it.
It's a strange thing to start over, to redefine your terms.
It's strange to have terms, your own terms.

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
I created something that makes me happy, whole, and balanced.
I created something that gave me back my time, my power.
I created something that I no longer allow to define me, but I do still love.

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
I started adding more and more balance to my life.
Walks to walk.
Snuggles and naps.
Working out to feel good.
I fall asleep listening to the rainfall.
I take really long baths.
I spend time with my kids.
Time with my person.
Time, I gave myself time again.

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
We travel, we see things now.
We slow down and at the same time, we do things that make us smile.
We talk a lot more now, we examine if we are falling back into old habits.

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
I am no longer interested in tomorrow.
I am no longer going to get through a time/season in my life.
I am no longer waiting.

I have one superpower...one.
My ability to love.

I love to love on my people.
I am good at loving my people.
I am loyal.
I am a good listener.
I think about them.
I hear what people are saying, I really listen to them.

I love learning from my people.
Hearing how and why they do things.
I love learning tricks and different routines.
I love hearing their why and finding out what is important.

I love telling my people something I have been struggling with and learning how to improve myself.
They make me a better person
A better mom
A better bride
A better leader
I love learning from my people.

I love hearing back stories.
I love knowing what makes my people happy.
I love complimenting my people, reminding them of their superpower, their ability to be them.

I love my people.
I know right away if you are.
I love knowing your struggles and listening to you.
I love letting you know that you are not alone.
I love making you feel necessary, seen, heard, and believed.

I love laughing with them.
I love making them feel good.
I love being around them, I take comfort in their presence.

I love being real with them.
I love crying with them and talking about my marriage and parenting problems.
I want the world to know that we all struggle...that is the secret that no one talks about.
Struggles are real, and there is nothing wrong with you or me that we are in the middle of one.

I am good at loving my people.
It is a superpower and I take the responsibility very seriously.
Because to see a person's heart and hold it that close to you is serious and I don't play around with it.

With a superpower, comes kryptonite.

Like all superpowers, I too have a weakness and my very own kryptonite.
My kryptonite is my superpower.
It too is my ability to love.

I love hard and to a fault.
My expectations are always too high because my self-expectations are high.
And I get hurt, as all people get hurt, but I hold on longer than most.
The pain, let's just say I am taken by surprise...every single damn time.
I am bewildered and that's when I lose my voice and my power.
I can feel beat up. I am often surprised by how harsh humans can be.
I often take way too long with people...way too long...years too long...before I find my voice and my self-respect.
I have kryptonite.

Lovies, your mamma has been through it recently.
Just know I am quiet because I am thinking.
Just know that I am sad because I am regrouping.
Just know that I am lost in thought because I am working through the blame.
Because I always start with blame; blaming myself.
I'm the common denominator after all. There must be something I am doing.

Or...
Could it be that when you love like this, it is easy to pile on?
Could it be that I may be easy to dump on AND I take love too seriously?
Could it be that I am one that forgets herself and her self-worth and just goes quiet?
Could it be that I need to look at my life, how I am leading it, and who I am allowing to have access to me?
Could it be that it is time for me to look at the life I am leading?
Should I take a look at what I am doing?
Should I make some changes?
Should I learn to love a little differently?
And then start again...start loving again.

I find myself at a crossroads and at the end of another year. I have some figuring out to do, that is for damn sure.

But the way I love on you...
Littles, if my superpower is my ability to love, I do it best with you.
I am super at loving you.
I set a strong foundation for us.
I am real with you.
I am empathetic.
I am on your team but I set standards for you because I believe in you.
I see your heart.
I have nicknames for you...many many many nicknames.
I have cute ways of telling you how much I love you...many many many ways.
I set family traditions that you look forward to and love love love.
I create memories for you and for me...good ones.
You gave me my second chance at childhood.
I gave you your first.
You give me warmth.
I give you a safe home.
You give me snuggles.
I give you my heart.
You give me smooches.
I give you all of me.
I shine brightest at loving on you my loves.
It is my superpower.

This lover of love.
This sap.
This cryer at commercials.
This woman with one superpower, loving others, does not believe in soulmates.
Does not does not does not.

Lovies, dad is the love of my whole life.
I think about my love for him all of the time.
I think about how I could be loving him better.
I think about him and his heart and if I am taking care of both.
But, I do not think we are soulmates.

Lovies, dad is the love of my whole life.
When I met your dad, everything hard melted.
I met my family.
I met happy.
I met easy.
I met the start of forever.
I met my forever and always.
But, I did not meet a soulmate.

Lovies, dad is the love of my whole life.
But love and marriage and parenting and forever and always IS hard and I do not take that for granted.
I do not take our marriage for granted.
I do not believe that something else out there is keeping us together so we can neglect our relationship.
I know we have to work on it, us, all of us all of the time.
We can take a day off here or there, but every time we take too much time off from us, nothing but us brings us back.

Lovies, dad is the love of my whole life.
But, I do not think we are perfectly suited for each other in every way.
I believe that he is my balance.
I believe he is my counterpart and I do believe that I need his energy.
But, I do not believe that he understands all of me.
I do not believe that we were born to meet.
I do not believe our souls were connected and that he would be lost without me.

Lovies, dad is the love of my whole life.
When we started, I was drawn to him.
For the first time in my life, I wanted something easy and to find someone happy.
Full of actual joy.
We happily fell into love and joy.
Years later, we have continued to add hard here and there and have to continuously check in.
We have to keep each other in mind.
We have both changed and we need to make sure that our entire foundation hasn't crumbled.
We have to make sure as we grow and change we are doing it in the same direction, or else it won't work.
No matter how it felt in the beginning, it won't work.
Our history won't keep us together.
That first smile won't.
That first kiss won't.
They will keep you warm when things get cold but they will not keep you.

Lovies, dad is the love of my whole life.
Not my soulmate but the love of my life and I will do all that I can to keep that love strong.
I will work on keeping us because I know that nothing else will.

Do not read this to think that I will huff and puff at you believing in them.
Do not read this thinking I will poke fun.
But, do not wait thinking someone perfect is out there either, and do not walk away when it gets hard.
Even soulmates have to work at it.
But I do hope you find the love of your whole life.

The summer of 2022 started with a significant loss. All of us lost my dad. After 13 really hard months, he was no longer with us. It's an adjustment we are all making and dealing with.
The loss was immediately met with the love and support of family and friends. It was a beautiful reminder of how much life goes on. How hard people love. How much they want to be there and want to love and support you.

The summer of 2022's middle was a celebration of a wonderful wedding. A wedding that was filled with warmth. Simple love. A couple that just wanted to share this moment of commitment with their family. A couple that is so amazing, so caring, so ready for a lifetime of love. I got to watch these two share moments so tender and loving, that you couldn't help but feel filled with joy. They are joy.

The summer of 2022 ended with a continuation of years and years of tradition with a trip to the Cape. The best week of the entire year. A week of summer. Beaches, eating, coffee, drinking, laughing, watching TV, runs by the ocean, puppies so tired they are falling asleep anywhere, just a week of us. One more amazing week of joy and the definition of childhood.

If I am being honest, the summer of 2022 had this quiet linger of sadness that grew louder as we rolled into fall. I don't know why. I can't explain it. The sadness I felt for my dad brought me such comfort and love that I don't think that's the only reason why. I'm not sure if the bustling of the house was too much at the end. I'm not sure if it's because we didn't do a lot of the things I had hoped for. I'm not sure if it's because my littles are getting bigger and therefore growing up right in front of me. But, there is something lingering in the shadows that I cannot ignore.

If I'm being honest, the summer of 2022 also had these incredible bursts of love and joy to it. Just like I needed. And the moments of amazing were just that, amazing. Every time I felt a heaviness on my chest, I would be bombarded with love. Every time I felt this feeling of loneliness and a pull, I would be brought back to the reality of care and comfort.

So, we were able to see family and friends. We were able to connect with parts of my life and people in my life that I have missed so much. We were able to swim and enjoy our backyard. We were able to host. We were able to go. We traveled. We swam. We ate. We did fancy track days. We brought people back into our home and hearts.

Summer of 2022, from beginning to end, you were a reminder of love, family, friendships, care, and comfort.

There is something so intimate about knowing someone you love.
A deep knowing, really understanding, and an unmistakable dance.
There is something so knowing about love.

I know by how you are breathing if you've had a good or bad day.
I know by a look what your reaction will be.
I know how you take your coffee, what makes you snore, and how you like to sleep.

I know how you like to arrive somewhere early.
I know why you have that scar on your head.
I know how much you love the taste of beer.

I know there is excitement and pride in planning trips.
I know you have to leave the house often, and you cannot hang out all day.
I know how much you love to take care of the yard and lawn.
I know you could spend all summer out there.
I know that you adore a free t-shirt and hate how I fold your laundry.
I know you despise it when I wear your socks.

I know how you don't want Pearl to sleep in our room, but are happy to find her napping with me.
I know how much you hate to work out and what a big deal it is that you found something that works.
I know how much you've had to drink by how talkative you get.
I know how much you love a project, but also need breaks.

I know how much you loved my dad, truly respected the man.
I know how sad you were when he left us.
I know that Sundays mean football in the fall - I know how excited you get by it.
I know how much you love your teams.

I know that there are things you count on me for, and I know you know I do the same.
I know there is a spot on your chest that always smells like soap.
I know you will always play with the kids.
I know you don't love a board game but you put up with it for me.
I know you don't love my traditions, but you allow them to be a priority in our house.
I know how important family is to you.
I know how traditional you are and I now know how much comfort that brings me.

I know some of your favorite meals.
I know how much you love my mom's cooking.
I know how much you love your back being scratched at night.
I know how much you love your babies.
I know how much you love our life.

There is something so intimate about knowing someone you love.
A deep knowing, really understanding, and an unmistakable dance.
There is something so knowing about love.