22
Jan

Five Minute Friday - fix

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on fix.

"A nation that isn’t broken, but simply unfinished." Amanda Gorman

I hope we all listened to the woman that stole the show. To the woman that showed honor and grace and love and support. To the woman that showed leadership and heart and humility. To the woman that came to remind us, we don't need to fix the broken, we need to finish the job.

Each generation should get us one step closer, no, more than one step. This generation moved us leaps and bounds further because they forced us to come to terms with who we have been and who we are. But, we are not broken, we just are unfinished.

We took to the streets, we let our concerns and our voices heard. We voted. We voted hard. We stood up for what was just, we said enough. We are so ready to move forward. We are so ready to move forward as one. One Nation, one people, under God. We are so ready to finish the job.

We are ready to heal our planet, our souls, our bones. We are ready to heal our hearts, our hate. We are ready to heal. As one, we are ready to heal as one. I too thought we are so broken, there is no way to fix any of this. We are too divided, too angry, it is all too much.

Until a young, gorgeous, smart, incredible woman, took to the stage. She was so confident, so humble, so ready. And she reminded me, that we are not a broken nation, we are simply unfinished.

And our work begins as we try to finish our job for our littles, for our future, for theirs.

11
Dec

Five Minute Friday - beyond

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on beyond.

I am working on a longer post this week that talks about my ability to go "above and beyond", the pros and cons of that, the inability I have to not give it my all, the difficulty I have in stopping.

Then, last night, a few of us got into a conversation about what happens to us and how we emotionally and actually respond when things are beyond our control. Does the lack of control make us regroup? Does it make us reprioritize and seek a healthy mental state? Do we double down on lists and tasks? Do we let more and more things go? Do we take more and more on? The conversation kept me up most of the night thinking, wondering, amazed at how different we all are. Amazed at how little we try and understand each other, amazed at how much we do try and understand each other.

And this is where my next post comes in because weeks ago I started thinking about this and maybe because of that, or maybe because more and more people are talking about it, I find myself listening to a lot of different perspectives. What "works" for me, when I do know and come to terms with what is "not working". How to I manage and most importantly, how do I tackle life when everything is beyond my control.

This year started me working on my business full time. A reduction in my working hours, a peace and calm I was really needing. Like all of us, I went through the horror of this pandemic, the worry of family who I honestly thought I might lose, the concern of "what ifs" with the company and if I lost my income, the worry of not going out and the depression that came with not seeing those I love. This year, the world caught on actual fire. Everywhere we looked, there was social unrest, a reckoning we needed to do, still need to do, big changes we had to make. As as the world caught on fire, I watched people still be themselves in the sense that they worried about things that were "insane" to me. I watched as their priorities seemed so skewed and clearly not important.

So, what if I used the same grace on them that I am using towards others. What if I realize that they are leaning into what makes them comfortable because things are beyond their control and "control" is too important to them? What if I offered myself that same grace and said that I'm not "too much" all of the time. I just am and when things are beyond my control, I go above and beyond to make it feel right in my head.

Stop.

31
Oct

Five Minute Friday - vote

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on vote.

Go.

Did I ever tell you that I once refused to vote. Out of principle. Out of anger. Because I didn't believe in our system anymore and I was so tired of the lies and the concerns and the way we all felt let down. I hated that one person's one vote didn't seem to count.

Did you also know that politics is a no-no to discuss? That most people battle or are disappointed when they find out you aren't "on the same side". As I aged, I got over a lot of that lovies. I did vote. I did let my voice be heard. I did fall in love with a leader that really led with his heart and soul and betterment of the county and wanting things to be better and knowing better and doing better. I started to believe again.

You know where I stand. You know I will be on the right side of history and this election is the most important of our lives. I keep shouting that there are more of us, there will always be more of us, but we all get complacent and we all get tired and we all don't show up. So this election, please show up. Please look into your souls and be sure the person representing our county is someone you want our kids to really look up to, really be like.

This election, show up, vote the hell out of this election, be on the right side of history. Don't give up on this country. America is not perfect, but there is hope here and for that, she is beautiful.

Stop.

17
Oct

Five Minute Friday - hold

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on hold.

Go.

Last week, I was saying goodnight. Goodnight to my youngest. Goodnight to my baby. Goodnight to my little man that became Ferdinand in front of my eyes. And I told him a story.

Sweet love, when you were just born, I held you close. You would wake me for a 2am feeding and I would rock you in the corner and I would tickle your ear to keep you awake. I would sing, our song, and your feet would dance. It would make me smile, even in the early early hours, you made me smile. You always knew how to make me smile.

I was to put you down sleepy but awake, that's what all the books said. I needed to put you down, I needed to stop holding you. Were there nights when I did...absolutely. Were there nights I held on longer, knowing you would be the last, the last firsts, the last last, the last...absolutely.

And so, last week, I told you all about it. I reminded you of our song. I reminded you of the ear tickle, I reminded you of how food made your feet dance. And to my little one that cannot stop moving, you held me. You held on and you listened and you gave me a smooch.

I love you monkey. I love you. I love your energy. I love your monkey moves. I love your Ferdinand ways. I love your hair and your smile. I love your tears and your needs. I love how every day is your best day. I love how you think everything is the best, until you don't. I love how all of your emotions are on the outside of your body. I love you monkey.

I love to hold you.

Stop.

25
Sep

Five minute Friday - your

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on your.

Go.

Where is your line? Where is your line drawn in the sand? Where will you stand? What will you put up with and then where is your limit? What are your words, how will you use your voice? What is in your control? What is your responsibility? What is in your power and how will you use it?

This week, our nation continues with civil unrest and a civil rights movement. This week, our nation lost a warrior, a treasurer, a true leader, a woman that had grit/determination/love of her country/love of service/love of justice. This week we said goodbye to a national hero. When she was asked, what is your stance, she never waivered. When she was asked, what is your line, she knew herself. When she was asked, what will your legacy be, she knew.

This week, this mama is faced with small challenges but is still asked...where is your line? What will your voice say? What is your stance? What are your values? Who are you and where will you go from here?

The answer is, I do not know. Not all of it, not all of the time. I do know that my voice is getting louder (if one can even imagine). I do know that I am constantly trying to change and grow (even though I live in stubborn). I do know that I have always been and will always be determined. I too have grit. I too have a pull to do better, when you know better, do better. I do know I will land on this earth leaving a mark and one I will be proud of.

Stop.

18
Sep

Five Minute Friday - church

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on church.

Go.

For some, it takes place in a building.

For some, it means praying and rituals and symbols.

For some, it means there is a "Person" involved, a God of sorts.

For all, it is a feeling, a meaning, a peace, and that can happen anywhere.

Church can be pancake Sunday with the kiddos so excited and happy and the coffee warm and loving.

Church can be our happy hearts where we share what we are grateful for, that week, during that time.

Church can be a run, a yoga class, a feeling of letting go and allowing something else to be in control.

Church can be a really hot shower, a warm bath. The sinking in to water that is needed to wash the day away.

Church can be an ocean, a beach, the sound and rhythm of the back and forth that allows you to listen, really listen.

Church can be a bed, calling to you. Asking you to close your eyes and lay your worries down.

Church can be a race, the adrenaline running through your veins as you come together as a community.

Church can be losing yourself in a book, forgetting all about yourself.

Church can be your community service and remembering others need you, this world needs you.

Church can be putting your babies to sleep, looking at those little faces, telling them we did our best today, tomorrow we will do better because we know better.

Church can be telling your family you love them and the feeling that comes from hearing it back, even when they talk to you from their sleep.

Church is not contained in walls, buildings, or by the God we worship. Church is all around us.

Stop.

24
Jul

Five Minute Friday - young

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on young.

Go.

When I was young, I was scared.

When I was young, I was scared of my own shadow.

When I was young, I was scared of myself.

When I was young, I was scared of family.

When I was young, I was scared of love and needing it.

When I was young, I was scared of motherhood and couple-hood and I was scared.

When I met family, I got less scared. I got lighter. I became more free. The more I leaned, the more I gave up control, the more free I became.

When I was young, I met you, I fell hard. I embraced what you had to offer. You made me a better me. You made me better.

When I was young, I found family in places because even though I was afraid, I was needing it, I was craving it, so I created it.

When I was young, I had you. I held your little in my arms and I am just so happy I did. You were exactly what I never knew I always wanted.

Now, I have a front row seat to you being young and I get to watch this amazing person become. She is funny, and kind, and loving, and angry, and stubborn, and feisty, and has a need for connection...sound familiar?

When I was young, I was scared. Scared of myself, my shadow, the world. I'm still that scared little girl, but as the years have ticked away, I too am becoming.

Stop.

11
Jul

Five Minute Friday - endure

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on endure.

Go.

2020 has been one big roller coaster ride and the words "it can't get worse" are no longer on my lips. What we have endured has been unreal to me. What communities have endured for centuries is inhuman, ungodly, and immoral. What else, what now, what do we do now?

We have isolated.

The environment has healed.

We have lost jobs.

We have closed down.

Businesses have been lost.

People, we have lost people.

We have watched a civil rights movement finally unfold.

We have listened.

We have slowed down.

We have rested.

We have worried.

We have lost sleep.

We have been with our children.

We have forced them to be bored.

We have read.

We have cried.

We have moved our bodies.

We have not moved at all.

We have lived a life we should hold on to a little bit.

We have done the unthinkable.

We have lost and gained.

We have stood and knelt.

We have been separated but connected.

We have been divided but there are more of us that want to come together.

We have endured. Some have had to endure more. Some have had to endure for too long and we no longer want you to carry the weight alone.

So, what else...what now?

Stop.

27
Jun

Five Minute Friday - compromise

Every Friday we unite for five minutesOnly five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on compromise.

You come to the table with your wants. What you are looking for, what you need to get out of this, what you would like to get out of it.

They also come to the table with desires, needs and wants. They come with a list of expectations, things that cannot walk away without, things that are a dealbreaker.

Both are supposed to walk away with a win and a loss. Both are supposed to walk away wanting more but feeling like they were able to get a little more checked off and a little closer to their desire.

Last night, I watched a documentary on the Supreme Court decision on marriage equality and I heard from the man that started his fight. He was unwilling to say he and his husband did not matter. He was unwilling to say their love did not matter, that their marriage did not exist. No, instead, he fought on. It took him years, decades and no matter the decision that day, he should be so proud of all of his effort. But, being proud of his work and dedication, that wasn't good enough. He needed this, he needed to be seen, valued and treated like a person. So, he fought on.

That's where we now stand with civil rights. This is not going to all happen in a blink of an eye. There have been so many people fighting for this cause for so so long. There have been so many aware and unsure what to do or what to say. But, we all started our fight and now, we will continue to march on for change. It will not all come together as quickly and rapidly as it should. It will be a long long trip. It will be heavy at times. It will really really suck most of the time, but last night, I was reminded that it's not enough to feel proud of the effort and dedication. There are some things we will not and cannot bend on. Being treated as human, being seen, being valued, that is something we will no longer compromise on in our America. Let's keep going.

Stop.

20
Jun

Five Minute Friday - worth

Every Friday we unite for five minutesOnly five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on worth.

Go.

I have defined my worth by my busyness.

I have defined my worth by my career.

I have defined my worth by how many meetings I have.

I have defined my worth by how many races I run, how many times I push myself too hard.

I have defined my worth by how many tris I can get in, how hard I can work my body, how much I can burn and do.

I have defined my worth by how high I can raise a middle finger to my MS.

I have defined my worth by how determined I am

to accomplish

to meet goals

to set new goals

to grow

to learn

to work on myself.

I have defined my worth by my grit.

I have defined my worth by my exhaustion.

I have defined my worth by how many hard things I can do.

I have defined it by an agency that changed my life, and the impact I wanted to make, how much I wanted to give back.

I have defined my worth by working hard, the harder the better.

And then, I stopped.

I can do hard things, I don't need to prove it anymore.

I can run just one company and be more successful when focused, and not breaking my brain.

I can run just because I love the sound, the quiet, the way I feel.

I can do yoga to remember how to breathe and work out because my body feels good in motion, I feel good in motion.

I can work hard on me, for me.

I can share my laughter, my joy.

My worth is wrapped up in a lot of things

like how my daughter wants to spend time with me

like how my son wants to play with me

like how my husband wants to enjoy our time together

like how my dog loves our walks and our snuggles and smooches

like how my home runs and operates and the breathing room I am providing

like fun

and joy

and friendship

and my squad

and my framily

and my laughter

and my heart

and my compassion.

I spent a lifetime proving my worth, to no one but myself, and I'm tired.

So, I stopped.

Stop.

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