24
Jun

Five Minute Friday - aware

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on aware.

Go.

I've been taking very close notice.
Your mannerisms, how much like me they have become.
How you use your hands as I do, use my expressions too.
I've become very aware that I'm in there.

I've been taking very close notice.
How even though you're still my little guy, you're starting to get a little bit taller.
You're getting older, becoming much more a 10-year-old boy and way less a little little kid.
I've become very aware that you're growing up in front of me.

I've been taking very close notice.
How much better we've been doing.
How the house is calmer, how you're happier.
How we yell a whole lot less, the tension seems to be melting.
It was the hardest year we've been through in a very long time and we didn't survive, we really became who we've always been, the best partner.
I've become very aware that we're still in there and how desperately I love you.

I've been taking very close notice.
How around your mouth there are spots of gray.
How during our runs you can't go as far, how tired you get, how easily it comes.
How you still have the spirit, but it's a lot more tamed.
I've become very aware that my little puppy is a full-grown adult dog now.

I've been taking very close notice.
Of time.
How fleeting it is, how quickly it passes, how when you think you always have a little more of it, you don't.
How healing it can be and how much we need it to pass and keep marching on.
I've become very aware that time is our most comforting and most anxious gift.

I've been taking very close notice.
Of my feelings.
How I'm feeling and how I'm really doing.
I think the best answer, honestly, is ok.
I have moments of deep sadness, deep appreciation, deep respect.
I have moments that I'm puffy, I'm at peace, I'm fuzzy, I'm exhausted, I'm loved, I'm lonely, I'm surrounded by beauty.

I'm aware.

17
Jun

Five Minute Friday - guess

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on guess.

Go.

If I were to guess, you decided to leave when you knew she was gone.
If I were to guess, you picked it, you needed to control it.
If I were to guess, you're pissed that it's all over.
You felt you had a lot more story to write, a lot more you wanted to finish.
And you're offended by something we did or didn't do.
But you're also proud of how much we all showed up for you.

If I were to guess, you're fighting with your father.
And laughing with your sister.
And hugging your mother.
And looking out for the little ones you left here.

If I were to guess, there were very few that got you.
And even those that did, struggled with your decisions.
But those that did also realized how complicated you were, how hard you tried, and how scared you were of this world.

If I were to guess, it doesn't hurt anymore.
And you're no longer scared.
You get it now, something finally clicked.
And although you're not okay with the final chapter, you're proud of the whole book.
If I were to guess, you see that now. You can see it all at once instead of paragraph by paragraph.

If I were to guess, it's going to be okay, and we're going to be okay, because you taught us how to be okay.

Stop.

28
May

Five Minute Friday - heal

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on heal.

Go.

It started in my early 20s.
The process.
The talking it out, the figuring it out, the realization that I could not just keep going.
I needed to find a better way and I needed to heal.

So, I talked.
I told a stranger my history.
I talked about the relationship I was in.
I talked about the love I was carrying and the fear of being in love.
I talked about how I knew that love wasn't reciporcated and how I knew I would eventually have to walk away.

I talked about her, I talked about him.
I talked about when I was small and I talked about me now.
I talked about my decisions, I talked about my past.
I talked about how and why and how much my friends mean to me.
I talked about my idea of family, what I wanted.
I talked about my reasons for leaving my realization I may never be allowed or welcomed back.
I was angry enough to be fine with that and just start over.

I cried.
I grew.
I was challenged.
I was asked a lot of questions.
And evenutally, many years later, many talks later, many realizations later...
I healed.

Stop.

14
May

Five Minute Friday - vision

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on vision.

Go.

Do you have a vision of what your life will be?
Do you know what it wants to be like?
Do you see it in your minds eye, can you feel it?
I don't think I did until I met him, and then it all made sense.
It all felt warm.

I pictured love and laughter.
I pictured it warm.
I pictured it full.
Full with people, full with hugs, full with memories.

On our walk today you talked about your life.
You talked about the number of children you see.
You talked about what the wedding day will look like.
You talked about what friends you will have.
You talked about your pets, you talked about love.
You want your home filled with love too.

We built a home to celebrate that love.
We built a place to gather.
We built my vision, our vision.

Do you have a vision of what your life will be like?
I do now.
I did and I still do.
I saw you, I felt it, and here it is.
The life I had wanted.

Stop.

17
Apr

Five Minute Friday - deny

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on deny.

Go.

I've watched you do it, deny the news, deny the reality, deny the outcome.
I've watched those that love you do it too.
Sometimes the pain of the future is so hurtful that denial is protection and necessary.
And I've gone back and forth between allowing you to believe, have hope, have some faith, and deny the reality of the situation...and still holding strong in the truth.

I do a weird thing too.
To protect me.
It's not denial, it's going to the extreme of the worst case.
I call it my protective coat.
I feel myself slip into it, and I know when I have it on vs when I know something is up.
Even writing that down feels weird to say but there are times when I reach for the coat and times when my body is telling me, you don't need it, this is actually happening.
The coat though, I think the coat keeps me warm when I turn to cold situations.
And when I turn to cold thoughts and feel as though I need to harden myself.
The coat keeps a thin layer of distance between me and feeling.
I guess that too is a level of denial.

I understand denial differently these days. I understand the need to protect yourself, your family, your heart.
I get it now.
I also get acceptance and how that can be a long long journey or change in an instant. I've seen both happen.
I get the process that we all need to go through, denial is an important part.

Stop.




3
Apr

Five Minute Friday - coffee

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on coffee.

Go.

Dear sweet coffee, you and I have had a special relationship since I can remember. We have a bond, a connection.
Dear sweet coffee, it's your warmth, it's your comfort. It's your power. And I can't help my feelings, I love you.
Dear sweet coffee, you are one of the most favorite parts of my day. There were a solid three years when you were all I looked forward to and even though that's changed, it's still one amazing relationship.
Dear sweet coffee, you are loving, you care, you get me.

We start early, you and me. We start around the island, in my office, in front of a computer.
We start in my workout clothes, in my robe, with my early morning hair.
We get through the day together.
We get made fun of a lot, you and me.

My kids say we are too much, that I need you too much.
But I don't think so.
My doctor says I need to limit us.
But I don't think so.
I feel that we are just perfect, just right.

So, I want to thank you coffee. For getting me through.
For always being there exactly when I need you.
For being my rock, my constant.
For loving me back.

Dear sweet coffee, I love you and I don't care how weird that sounds.

Stop.

26
Mar

Five Minute Friday - easy

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, https://fiveminutefriday.com/2022/03/17/fmf-writing-prompt-link-up-easy/we publish those words. This week, we write on easy.

Go.

If it were easy, everyone would do it.
Everyone would get up early.
Everyone would hit the gym hard.
Everyone push.
Everyone would work hard.
Everyone would be able to do it.

If it were easy...but it's not.
Life has a lot of ups and downs.
Life has a lot of beauty, a lot of easy.
But it also can be hard at times.
And then there are times when I just make it harder.
To prove myself, to push myself, to make sure I still can.

But, it's okay. It's more than okay.
It's how I was wired and I have learned how to calm it down when I need to and turn it on when I have to.
Like my work, I love my work and I love working.
I use it to escape, and also because I'm good at it and that feels good.
So I work hard at it.

Like my workouts.
There will come a day I can't do what I do today.
But, because of my diagnosis, I want to make sure I keep pushing that day as far back as possible.
I want to keep moving and doing.
I want to push myself, hard.

But what does come easy for me...
routine, doing, loving with all I have...
traditions and caring and smooches and squeezes...
naps and baths and taking care of those I love.
There definitely are things that come easy for me and things that I do for the ease of it all.

So yes, I push, I do the hard work, I do what comes naturally to me and I do the things that feel right.
Sometimes easy, sometimes hard, sometimes comfortably, sometimes out of my comfort zone,
always me.

If it were easy, everyone would to it.

7
Mar

Five Minute Friday - carry

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on carry.

Go.

On the day you were born, I whispered in your ear as I put you to bed...
I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart.
And to this very day, almost 13 years later, I still do.

When I first had you, I didn't feel a weight or a pressure. I felt light, comfortable, and like this was what I was meant to do.
I think that's what surprised me the most.
I was the woman that never wanted to mother and then all of a sudden, mothering is what I felt most comfortable in.
I was so comfortable in my skin as your mom.

Your dad and I fell into a grove and it was like our life, just with an added source of pure joy.
You were my smile, you made me laugh and you made me swoon. I never swooned before you sweet girl.
I didn't feel your weight, I was light as a feather.

It wasn't until the toddler years that the fog set in and the weight was noticable.
Our second was here, our first was in full-force threes, my career was an all in kind of place, and I carried parent-hood.
The pressure was on and it was felt from everywhere.

But mothering, I still felt just right at mothering.
Even with a toddler, even with a newborn, even sick and unable to move, even with a career that I took two week off from, moethering you both felt weightless.

Until the decisions got harder.
The choices weren't so clear.
Until I realized I have no clue what I'm doing because all I've ever done is love you.
And, we're coming towards the years where we're all not sure how hard we will hold on to that love.

But here is the thing about mothering...
A mother's love can carry you through.
A mother's will can be your will.
A mother's heart can bare the weight.
A mother's touch can heal.
A mother's soul can be the light you need.
A mother's home can be the shelter you need.
A mother's love can and will carry you through.

I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart.

Stop.

27
Feb

Five Minute Friday - peace

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on peace.

Go.

In 2021, I asked for peace and was met with quite the opposite.
Instead, I found a year of loss. So much sadness.
We found a year of loss and sadness and a year of us walking around crying.
We found a year of constantly trying to figure out what was happening.
No peace.

And then this week a war erupted and an entire world is wondering what is to come.
No peace, just worry, and concern.
Citizens have no idea what the night will bring. What tomorrow will look like.
No peace, just worry, and concern.

Deep, clean breath.
There is so much unknown, so focus on what we can clearly see.
There is so much to worry about, so focus on what brings a sense of calm.

Deep, clean breath.
Go for a walk and inhale.
Take a bath and exhale.
Take a yoga class and sink in.
Work out and shake it off.
Pet my puppy and feel love.
Hug your kids goodnight and linger.

After spending a year crying.
After spending a year upset.
After spending a year bouncing around.
Find a way to let peace in.
Find a way to heal your heart.
Find the peace we all need.

Stop.

18
Feb

Five Minute Friday - stretch

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on stretch.

Go.

In the morning.
To the limit.
During yoga.
To ease an ache.
Your mind, your thoughts.
What you are made of, what you are capable of.
S-T-R-E-T-C-H!

How many different ways can you interpret this word?
How many different directions can you take it?
I think the reason I made that list is...this is how I stretch myself.
It's how I deliver and how I sustain and how I am okay.

Although I am someone that always stretches to the limit, pushes myself, that works herself hard...
I have finally found a great sense of peace.
And yes, my peace looks different.
My peace is still hard-working, but nowhere near the person I was for so many years.
AND, I'm even coming down off the tension that stayed with me, years later.
I know I stretch myself, but no longer too thin.

And I have found it is still possible to be me...hard-working, loves to work, likes the drive, push yourself me...while also finding joy, comfort, peace, slowing down, and time.
I have found, you can be both...and this time, I won't lose my hum.

I stretch myself at the gym.
I keep up, I keep trying, I keep going.
I work hard, I feel good about that, and my body knows what it is capable of.

I stretch myself at my work.
I push our team, I push myself, I keep finding solutions.
And there are hard times, and I have realized that is when I need to back off, I need to back up, and I need to re-group.

I stretch my love.
That's what happens when you love hard and I love hard.
I love with all that I have.
I love with all that I am.

So, it is okay to stretch me...but no longer too thin.

Stop.

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