24
Feb

Five Minute Friday - respite

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on respite.

A rest, a moment of relaxation. A chance to breathe, a chance to rest your body, your bones, your mind, your limbs, your joints. A rest that is needed, a respite.

Relief, comfort, and a place to find peace. Peace and comfort. Who is not looking for peace and comfort?

In the beginning of 2020, my entire being was looking for this rest, the relief, this comfort. I needed my mind to stop spinning, my body to stop pushing, I needed my toes and fingers and feet to rest. I needed to find a quiet spot in this world.

I'm sad to say that the world needed to stop spinning for me to get there, but I got there.
I'm sad to say that I needed to be told to not move to stop moving, but I stopped moving.
I'm sad to say that I needed to be told I wasn't allowed to leave my home to find rest, but I did rest.

I found my respite, rest, comfort, calm, and my body felt as if it was melting into beds and chairs. My mind felt better. My brain. My emotions. I felt my rest.

11
Feb

Five Minute Friday - consume

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on consume.

I make sure you are not my whole life.
I make sure to remember that our window together is forever closing.
You will move on, you will grow and move out, you will find your place/space/family.
I make sure not to be consumed by you.

I realize that motherhood can feel all-consuming, but I don't allow it to be.
I make sure to remember I cannot be all-consumed.
I make sure to remember that I came here with a person I want to remember on the other side.
I make sure to remember that each phase has its different consuming parts but I need to create space.
I make sure not to be consumed by you.

I remember that my job is my joy.
I remember what it was like, felt like to be all consumed by my work.
I remember the resentment, the loving, and living it to death.
I remember how sick I got.
I remember how much I suffered and how much I lost.
I remember what it felt like to be all consumed by my work.
I make sure not to be consumed by you.

It's easy to fall into the path of consumption.
I love you both so much that it makes my insides hurt, how can that not consume my thoughts, and my body?
I love my work and love to work and love to be working and find a hum and rhythm. Why would I not want to always feel that way?
Why would I not want to hear my fingers on my computer and know what to do today?
Why would I not want to be devoured by this feeling?

Because I have been there.
Because I have seen the destruction it causes.
Because I have seen lost parents, unsure what to do now.
Unsure who they are and what their purpose is.
Because I have been lost.
I have been unsure who I am if not my work, my drive.
Because I know it's all fleeting and what matters is not to be overwhelmed all in.
What matters is the dance and the finding of yourself in other things.

I remember to not be consumed.

4
Feb

Five Minute Friday - waste

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on waste.

I realized that my resentment, anger, and frustration were a waste.
I realized that I was wasting my time and my energy.
I realized it was all a waste and holy hell was it heavy.
And so, I needed to find ways to let it go.
I couldn't let all of it go, but the big pieces that were weighing me down.

I realized that reliving, rethinking, and redoing my past was a waste.
I realized that I was living in a place I was no longer standing in.
I was living there and I needed to move on.
Regardless of where everyone else decided to stand, I needed to go.

I realized that worrying about my future was a waste.
I was planning out pieces in my mind like a game of chess but the game was my life and it was exhausting.
What a waste.
There is something to be said about making sure you are ready for unknowns, but the amount of time I put into the "what ifs" was a huge waste.
And so, I worked on finding a way to stand still.

And yes, it was actual work for me.
To not always be thinking in one direction or the other, just stand still.
Not all of the time but a little each day.
And because I had you to watch grow, that made it a little easier.
You were my constant anchor because I wanted to remember your moments.
I wanted to be the keeper of your memories.
And I found that I started to notice things more.
Like the change in seasons in my little town.
Like how silence is an actual sound in winter.
Like how the trees shed their beauty to be able to hold the weight of winter and that in and of itself because gorgeous.
Like how my home is my safety and how lucky I am to have that.
Like how your cheeks get round when you're happy and warm.
Like how you need to tell me everything the minute you walk in the door.

I worked on not wasting my time.
Because that would be a regret.
We cannot forget we are on borrowed time and who are we to waste it?

27
Jan

Five Minute Friday - far

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on far.

I must say, I have come pretty damn far.
For someone who spent most of her life wearing busy like a badge of honor...
for someone who loved her work so much it became her...
for someone who only knew how to push all the limits until she broke...
I have come pretty damn far.

I do not take it for granted that I needed the world actually to stop spinning to make significant changes.
I do not take it for granted that I needed to leave who I was behind and start something so completely different that I couldn't be who I was.
But, I will say that before all of that, I made a decision.
Before all of that, I made some pretty big moves.
And I have come pretty damn far.

Because of that, my family has also come far with me.
My kids see the real me. The one that is warmer, less likely to snap, less likely to be on her last nerve.
My dog gets all of me all of the time.
I am able to be where I want when I want.
I am able to be.
I have new hobbies.
I have changed how I work, how I work out, and how I always needed to go to extremes.
I have come pretty damn far. And so have all of us.

I like this little life I have created for myself.
I like my new environment.
I like my structure.
I like my flexibility.
I like the ability to me more than my work while still loving my work.
I love what I put in and get out of my work.
I have come pretty damn far.

So, to the woman who struggled to see any other way.
Who was so lost and could not find a way out.
Who was so exhausted she only dreamed of nightmares.
Congratulations, you have come pretty damn far.

20
Jan

Five Minute Friday - say

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on say.

When I said hello to you, I opened up my world and I chose bigger.
When I said hello to you, I said hello to motherhood, and I chose bigger.
When I say I love you, I mean I love you down to my toes.
When I say I picked this life, I mean it, I picked you all.

When we said goodbye to you, it was the hardest day of our adult lives.
We held you as you took your last breath, and we knew that we loved you as hard as we could for as long as we could and it was time.
When I say I love you, I mean I love you down to my toes.

When we said goodbye to you, it was harder than we had imagined.
Leading up to your end was beyond complicated and heartbreaking.
But once again grief shows us that love was there. Love was present and for that, we are grateful.
When I say I love you, I mean it. I loved you and I tried for you.

When I say that family just shows up, I mean it.
We feel each other and we are just there.
We don't need to ask, we just show up.
And when I say that I love you for it, I mean it.

When I say that I love my work, I mean it.
In fact, for most of my life, all I was work.
All I thought about, fought for, and became.
I love my work so much that I needed to walk away, start again, and learn from my mistakes.
But when I say I love to work and I love my work, I mean it.
When I say I love you, I mean I love you down to my toes.

When I say that I do work on myself, I mean it.
I stake stock, I look at who I was, am, becoming.
I ask if I am headed in the direction I want.
I ask if my heart feels fulfilled. I ask others around me about me.
I take too much responsibility and I live in constant extremes.
When I say I am a work in process, I mean it.

I don't always say what I mean. I'm too meek for that.
I don't always mean what I say. I'm too quick to anger for that.
But when I say I love you, I mean down to my toes.
It does not matter who you are, if I say I love you, I mean it.
Down to my toes. I picked you. I want you in my life. I want to be a part of yours.
When I say I love you, I mean down to my toes. I mean it.

13
Jan

Five Minute Friday - pattern

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on pattern.

Patterns exist all around us.
They can appear in shapes, colors, and music.
They appear in habits and our routines, our own "tells".

I have several patterns and I definitely have tells.

They help us make sense of the world and they help calm our minds.
They provide order.
There is a predictability to a pattern that feels soothing.
They help us to realize what comes next.
We teach our children patterns as they are growing and learning and as adults, creating a pattern, and seeing it, it is what our brains do best.

But, they can also be harmful and they can become stifling and old.
They sometimes need to be broken so we can break the harm we are inflicting.
Or, we need to see something from a different angle and a different perspective.
You have to break your pattern to do that at times.

For a woman who doesn't break, change, or feel that patterns are harmful, it took me a minute. It took me a minute to recognize my own unhealthy patterns. It took me a minute to recognize the healthy ones too.
But I see now that we all create them to get by, get through, and keep going. We create them because our mind needs to see a pattern. We create them to make sense of the unpredictable world we live in.

And now, it is time for me to find the beautiful patterns in my life. The patterns in the lake. The ones in my home, the home I curated from scratch. The patterns in my work, the ones I honor with love. The patterns in art, the ones in the sky. The patterns of a garden, the patterns of treesThe ones that are appealing, loving, and confident in their strength. It's time for me to honor their glorious beauty.

16
Dec

Five Minute Friday - store

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on store.

I was putting away your report cards the other day, storing them for a time in which you'll never want them back...because who does?
In the closet upstairs, I have two big boxes stored with your teeny tiny clothes; the ones I couldn't part with after you had grown out of them.
In the basement, Dad has bins of legos and figures that he has stored away too; the ones he once played with and then got to again when you were born.

Parents do this sort of thing. We store away your items, your trinkets, your little.
All we are really doing is storing our memories in boxes, hoping they will bring us warmth.

We store your pictures in albums, we store our vacation memories in boxes, we store your awards, your life.
When I go through them, I remember who bought you what outfit, I smell the baby that once was a puddle in my arms, I remember the toddler that squealed with joy.
I miss that version of you and us so so much, even though I'm so happy exactly where we are.

Then one day, you will rummage through the boxes, you will take a mental note of the organization I tried to put to it all, and you will sit down and start to flip through.
You will look through what I stored, what I tucked away, and you will be amazed at the mom who threw so much away on you, actually kept quite a bit.
I hope you will realize that I loved this time with you my littles.
I loved being your mom and I loved storing all of your memories.
I hope you one day find love so great that the memories of that love will keep you forever warm.



9
Dec

Five Minute Friday - turn

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on turn.

As a parent, it feels like you take turns making us crazy.
One person is fine, the other is not.
One person is acting kind, the other is not.
One person is just being, the other is not.

As an adult, I take a turn too.
There are times I am throwing an actual temper tantrum.
There are times I am filled with actual joy and feeling full.
There are times I am so blue, so sad, so hurt.

As a couple, we take turns feeling good and not so good about us.
Feeling unmoved, not on the same page, too angry, frustrated.
Feeling loved, loving, together, partners.
Holding hands, touching toes, or being unable to be around each other.

In life, we take turns feeling this way or that.
I spent a lot of this year focusing on how this or that makes me feel.
Remembering that I matter too, my feelings matter too.
Remembering the respect and love I hold for others, it's time I did that for me, just a little.
I needed to move in the direction of not being a doormat, not being a punching bag.
It was and still is my turn.

2
Dec

Five Minute Friday - left

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on left.

I was in a hurry, walking so quickly that people were apologizing to me for being in my way.
I was in a hurry, but I felt awful that strangers felt that way.

And then I turned the corner and I swore, I saw you. You stopped me in my tracks.
I thought we were about to be face to face, for the first time "since".
But my eyes played a trick on me, it was not you...a total stranger was in front of me wondering why I was lingering on their face.

Honestly, what is there left to say?
What would I have said?
What is there left for us to say to one another?

We're both "sorry". We're both sad. We're both left wondering...what in the hell happened?
The truth is, it's easier on the rest of them, but you and I, it was just different.

It always was different...from the very beginning. The connection was different. The realization was different. The understanding of why and how, it was all different.
But, was is there left to say?

Other than I miss you so much I dream of you.
And to this day, you continue to Affect me from afar.
And I'm so angry you let this all happen on our watch.
And I'm so sorry I let this happen on our watch.

If that moment comes, when it is just us, face to face, eye to eye, nowhere left to run...I'll do exactly what happened today with a complete stranger.

17
Nov

Five Minute Friday - result

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on result.

As a result of my choices, I broke.
As a result of my changes, I healed.

As a result of your desire, I mothered.
As a result of my desire, I fell head over heels in love with mothering.

As a result of this head over heels in love with mothering, I have given you my heart.
As a result of my littles, I have a second chance at this.
As a result of their faces, I have never wanted for anything.

As a result of your kindness, I melted.
As a result of my love, I softened.

As a result of my hard work, I have a career that I adore.
As a result of my ability to love hard, I have people who believe in that love.

As a result of my determination, I have proved (to myself) that I can do hard things.
As a result of my healing, I have learned I no longer need to prove I can do hard things (especially to myself).

As a result of my grit, I have worked myself too hard.
As a result of my fear, I have pushed myself too hard.
As a result of my heart, I had the right people telling me to just stop.

As a result of you, I am a hard worker.
As a result of you, I am me.
As a result of you, I have learned what to do as well as what not to do.

As a result of who I am, I continue to work on myself, because I need a lot of work.
As a result of changing tides, relationships, seasons, I have lost a lot.
As a result of loss, I have taken a very close look at myself.

As a result, I am still searching for peace and parts of me.

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