Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on story.

Our story started as two young moms, with two young kids.
Our story started over family, surviving, and complaining.
Our story started with trepidation, nerves, and some second thoughts.

And then it bloomed and blossomed and what we created was magical.
We created love and wholeness and friendship and need.
We entered each other's lives just as we needed to, or at least, as I needed.
Because I really needed you and your entire family.

So so much so that I let it go, I let a lot of it go.
So so much that I got lost in you.
But I'm not even a little bit upset about that, I wanted so desperately to get lost in you.
I wanted, needed, too much, to have you be a part of my story.
I'm so so sorry I tried that hard.

I lingered.
I stayed too long.
I was too much.
I allowed too much.
I put up with too much too.

And then, just like that, it was over.
Our story was over.
I have been told that it ended also out of need.
I have been told that it ended because it needed to.
I have been told that the way I miss you is normal, and I have been told that it's time to put this all to rest.
I have been told that our story is in the past and I need to move on.
Everyone is right.

But, our story meant something to me and I want you to know that.
I mourned us.
I cried at every single turn.
I still do, at times but it's hitting me less and less now.

I understand it's over...our story is over.
It's in the past, we're a thing of the past.
Our story is a thing of the past.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on reach.

When I was younger, I reached for things that were not there.
I longed to fill a hole I felt in my heart, so I reached for connection.
And at times, I made up those connections.
I made up the relationships and the meanings and the ties.
Everything always meant a little more to me.

As I got older (and older and older and older) you would think that I would feel more settled.
More in control of relationships.
More filled with love and family I have that I no longer need to fill a void.
No longer making up relationships in my head.
No longer feeling as though I need more because I have all that I need right here.
No longer wanting to reach for what is just not there.

But, that's just not true.
I'm still reaching.
I'm still coming to terms with the fact that parts of my life were made up.
I'm still creating what I need.

For the longest time, I reached for difficult.
For the longest time, I reached and strived to prove myself; prove I can do hard things.
For the longest time, I reached for things that were just not there for me...
love when it was just too complicated,
comfort and ease when it was just too difficult,
joy when it was just too chaotic,
family when it was just not possible.

Because, although all that I love and adore is snuggled under one roof...I still want a little more.
Although I have all that I never thought I wanted, I need to be defined by more than you.
Although I have created my world, my family, and my center, I still need others.
So, I'll keep reaching out.
I'll keep creating.
I'll keep putting the pieces of this life of mine together.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on assume.

I assume it was said because you felt comfortable in the room.
I assume that the racism that was so clearly spilling from your being was comfortable for you, especially as others chimed in.
I assume I didn't say anything to contradict because I didn't want to make it uncomfortable.

But now I know, I'm a huge part of the problem.
And once again, I shut down at the wrong moment.
There were many ways I could have handled it:
I could have agreed with you that you are, in fact, being an asshole.
I could have said, I think it's time for me to go.
I could have pointed out that not talking about it and making racist jokes might be part of the problem.
I could have asked you if you've asked a marginalized person their perspective.
I could have asked you how many friends of color your kids actually have.

But I didn't.
I don't assume I'm part of the problem, I absolutely know it.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on many.

Go.

For many years, I have loved you.
For many many years, I have held you close, and thought of you always.
For many many many many years, I have needed your love right back.
And that need has grown.

For many years, I have been suffocating.
For many many years, I love a little too hard.
For many many many years, I have not listened to those that have felt suffocated.
And that need has to stop.

For many years, I have tried to fill an obvious hole.
For many many years, there has been a gap I have tried to stuff full.
For many many many years, the people I love have felt I am too much.
And that need has to stop.

For many years, I have been so pleased with how I love.
For many many years, I am proud of that, I call it my superpower.
For many many many years, I have been told I expect too much.
And that need has to stop.

I have to find many different ways to love.
I have to find many many different ways to feel loved.
I have to find many many many different ways to stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on ignore.

Go.

I am not one to ignore my feelings.
I'm not one that can easily forget, or forgive, to be honest.
I don't normally try to ignore my instincts. I know that I can feel the temperature in a room before people even talk...I typically lean into that.

But lately, I've been trying to ignore what is in front of me.
I keep hearing you coach, telling me that I have to be more positive.
Telling me that I have to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
And although I adore your joy, I adore your insight and look on the world, I think it's time I get back to my instincts.
I think I need to find my way back to trusting me again and not ignoring who I am.

I promise that does not mean I will be the hard shell I was before we met.
I promise I will still find my joy in life and the world.
But I do need to remember that my instincts are rarely off and I need to listen to me again.

After a long stretch of ignoring myself, I am climbing my way back.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on doubt.

Go.

Do you know what it feels like to live your life doubting yourself?
I do.
Do you know the feelings that comes with living in constant fear of every decision...big or small?
I do.
Do you doubt your thoughts, your ideas, your words, your actions, you as a person?
I do.

Although I have claimed this my year of self-respect, I do have to say, the doubt and fear that I hold on to, it does not stop me.
It makes me pause.
It makes me look at things from all angles before I act.
It makes me be a little more sure.
And then it makes me move.
So, I have to believe that it's okay to have this doubt and fear that I live with.

It is not for everyone, I'm quite sure most do not live their day-to-day lives like this.
It is not the way of life for most, I understand.
But for me, well maybe it actually helps me.

I need to find a place where the fear and doubt stop turning into self ridicule and negative self talk. Maybe that will come with age and experience. Maybe that will come in my year of self-respect and remembering that I matter. But it all has to start with me ane me alone.

To all who doubt themselves, know that we are okay.
Know that we move with clear intentions.
Know that we do it out of love for others, now it's time to turn that love inward.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on receive.

Go.

A synonym for receive is accept.
Another, is earn.

Last week I took some time to write about my year of self-respect. I have many more thoughts on the topic but this prompt is making me realize that it comes with me accepting self-respect, praise, forgiveness, and limits because I have earned them.

It is damn near impossible for me to speak to myself kindly, to accept that I have earned certain things in my 44 years of life. It also feels mean to set limits to my heart, my time, and my energy. But here I am. And here I go.

The thing about me is I feel way too much. My super-power of love is also my kryptonite. I receive the energy of the room. I take it in, I cannot shake it off, I cannot just hug it out and get over it. So, I feel surrounded and suffocated by bad feelings, I accept and receive them too easily.

However, it is the same with good, strong, loving, positive energy. I'm more excited than others are about their triumph. I'm elated for you. It is that energy that keeps me alive. I receive and willingly accept that energy too. And who doesn't want to be loved that hard?

So, in my year of self-respect. I will receive the love, guidance, soft spoken words I have needed to say to me for all of my life. I will accept that I am flawed. I will accept that I need space and boundaries and I will remind myself this year that I matter too.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on simple.

Go.

Holiday hands.
Gathering on a Friday night to snuggle in.
A warm drink in my hand.
Snow falling.
The sound of rain.
A happy to see us puppy.
Your smile.
When you laugh.
Our traditions.
Our love of movies and shows.
Our love of family.
Our love.

There are so many simple ways to find a little joy. There are so many simple ways to show up for someone and make them feel so special, so seen, so taken care of, and loved.

Our nighttime snuggles.
Our Thursday morning dates.
Our walks and talks.
My quiet puppy runs.
My quiet mornings.
The way you eat.
The way you are.
Your heart.
Your care.
Your love of others.
When I see the joy in you.

There are so many simple ways to find a little joy. There are so many simple ways to show up for someone and make them feel so special, so seen, so taken care of, and loved.

Although there is so much work involved in being a parent.
So many intentional thoughts and movements.
The best times are the simple ones.
The ones where you remind your kids that love can be light.
Love can be shown in very small, simple gestures.
Love can be little moments of kindness and care.

So, littles, let me remind you of something...
this life/world/community it is challenging as hell.
It is complicated and at times so so heavy.
Sometimes it is so heavy you cannot get up and that is when you rest.
We bare responsibilities and at times actual burdens.
But, this life/world/community...it is also gorgeous in how simple it can be.
And the truth is, sometimes we are the ones making it too heavy.
So remember, when things get to be too much, get back to simple.
Go back to the basics of simple, pure love and find your joy.

There are so many simple ways to find a little joy. There are so many simple ways to show up for someone and make them feel so special, so seen, so taken care of, and loved.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on laugh.

Go.

It starts from the belly.
Sometimes it's so hard that there are tears of actual joy!
Most times, I cannot breathe and it knocks the wind and sound out of me.
Most times, I end up unable to talk for quite some time.
Most times, I cannot finish a story, the breath won't allow it to come out.

The first time you laughed so hard you cried, you were actually worried.
It made me ecstatic.
When you tell a really funny joke and I cannot contain myself, your laughter makes the room lighter.
And then, immediately, as if to clarify..."see, I'm funny"...
I do the same thing. Since I'm the one always laughing, whenever I do make a funny and make someone else laugh, I'm just so proud of myself..."see, I am funny!"...

This past year, I've lost my laugh, but you haven't.
You've watched me and you've continuously asked if I'm okay and what I need.
You've spent some time apologizing for things that were not your fault, and you found ways to make me laugh.
Not your job, but you would feel so good when I did.

You come home and immediately come and tell me all about the funny parts of your day.
Your smart-ass friends, with their smart-ass comments.
Your smart-ass come backs, and how much they make you laugh.
Have I told you how much I love all of this?
The fact that you have it, the fact that you share it, the fact that I'm still a part of your life, the fact that you love to tell me, the fact that it exists.

See love, it's easy for me to laugh. It really is actual medicine.
It really is a way to heal, to feel connected again.
And we're so lucky to have so many people that make us laugh in this little world of ours.

Dad with is dad jokes...aunts/uncles/cousins/friends/framily.
Laugh till it stops hurting baby girl and then laugh till it does.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on extreme.

Go.

I live in extremes.
Sometimes, most times, they are polar opposites.
I love hard or I don't.
I long for quiet and worry about you leaving.
I work hard and sleep harder.
I live in extremes.

I cry with every emotion...happiness, anger, nervousness, laughter, love, and sadness...I always cry.
I laugh too hard.
I get too angry.
I love too hard.
I am loud or quiet.
I am introverted but need need need my people.
I live in extremes.

I miss too much.
I burn things to the ground.
I drink coffee all of the time.
I work out to exhaustion.
I work my fingers to the bone.
I live in extremes.

Absolute extremes.
And I love it.
And I don't.

Stop.