7
May

Five Minute Friday - SHE

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on she.

Go.

At one point in time, she was determined to go at it alone.

She thought it was the only way, the only option.

She was tough, not strong, but tough.

Tough to get through to, tough to be around, tough to get close to.

Until she wasn't. Until she allowed the hard edges to soften, melt a little.

Until she threw down her fighting gloves and picked up her babies.

Until she was able to create a family around her she never knew she always wanted.

Until she couldn't help but let him in, he was so easy to love.

Until she couldn't help but say yes to a life he always knew was possible.

Until she and they created a home.

She's different, but still her. She still reverts back to old habits but is more aware of them now. She knows where and how it all started, she knows how she is triggered...she's trying.

She's trying to work through the old muck, she's trying to manage it all, she's trying to realize how heavy the past is, but also trying to forgive. She's trying to move past the mistakes, hers and theirs.

She's trying to remember that time and love fix so much.

She once believed she was tough enough to never need anyone, until she was strong enough to love.

Stop.

25
Apr

Five Minute Friday - broken

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on broken.

Go.

I walked into a week of systems breaking down and my business being in some trouble because of it. I felt like I was going to end up broken too. I felt the pressure mounting and as soon as I came up with a solution, another problem arose and things just continued to break all around me.

And you want to know what I did...for one whole night, I did nothing. I watched TV (sitcoms no less) with a bestie. I ate ice cream on her couch and I laughed at a romantic comedy watching 2 people in love. I did nothing. I have never once, not even one time in my entire time on earth, done nothing. And holy hell, it worked.

The next day I got to work. I looked at what I had in place, I leaned on those that I adore, those I trust, I asked those that work for me to extend themselves. I created a plan, I thanked, I praised, I thanked and thanked even more. I organized, I stopped panicking, I communicated, I asked for patience, I asked for forgiveness, I got to work. I fixed it, even temporarily until our long term plan could work out, I fixed it. And later that night, I celebrated. As I drank my martini, I turned to my husband that made me the perfect drink, looked into his gorgeous eyes and said, I fixed it Coach. "I'm proud of you".

Typically, when things break, I break a little too. I did this time for sure. But I took a night to be (who knew that was a thing) to not think, and just be. The world didn't stop spinning, the clients didn't run away, I was really ok. That night, on my bestie's couch, eating her ice cream and falling back in love with the couple that gave me couple goals, well, that was the start of fixing my broken.

Stop.

13
Apr

Five Minute Friday - pressure

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on pressure.

Go.

It's not Friday, it's actually late Monday night and the first time I've had a chance to do this. Not because I've been under too much pressure, but because I took the whole weekend off. You know how sometimes that can recharge you and other times you feel the pressure build? I had both happen. I had so much fun this weekend, but also kept a running list in my head of what I needed to still do.

I also had a lot of responsibilities unexpectedly fall into my lab this weekend and instead of the pressure building there, I took it in stride. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes the pressure is so much and sometimes it all just happens to fall into place. But, as you are too well aware of little faces of mine, there was a time when any little thing pushed this mama of yours over the edge. The pressure was built to boiling and I could not keep the lid on the pot. I was always exploding. There is a reason I need to remember those days and who I was then. I need to remind myself I cannot let it get to that point again. Busy, sure. Lots to do, okay. Too much to do sometimes, we can handle that. Lots of lists, I love a list.

But the pressure that made my head hurt for years. The one that made it so I couldn't chew because my jaw hurt. The kind that made me feel like someone was always standing on my chest. The pressure that made me shake and have nightmares. The one that made me cry so much and stole my joy, I allowed all of that to happen. I asked for it and I did more and more to welcome it into my life, our lives. That pressure I cannot tolerate anymore and have to know when I am getting close to the fire and walk away.

Life can be hard, it can be filled with things we feel are "have tos". Life is also pretty gorgeous and can be filled with a lot of laughter. So tonight, I had a meeting at 8, it was pretty important to me and the community that I want around me. But my brand new 12 year old daughter asked me with her big eyes if we could have a reading date and I blew it off. I sat in bed with her, we read and then I put her to bed and wrote to you. I picked well.

Stop.

12
Mar

Five Minute Friday - possible

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on possible.

Is it possible to be calm and productive?

Is it possible to be good at your job and good at being a person?

Is it possible to find actual balance in a world that pulls you in every direction?

Is is possible to fix the broken pieces, even if you were the one that pushed yourself off the ledge to be shattered?

In a year in which every corner of the world experienced so much loss, hurt, pain, worry, concern, there were also so many opportunities for me to take hold of my life again. And for that 2020, I thank you for showing me what was actually possible.

I am so saddened that it took the world to stop spinning and for all of the loss that we all endured for me to get my head on straight, that does not sit well with me, but here I am. Saddened that it took so much pain for me to find myself again, but here I am.

Dear work harder not smarter girl, dear all in girl, dear love it to death girl...you have found your hum again. Don't lose that rhythm. You have found your peace again, don't lose that feeling. You have found your joy, your laugh, your heart, don't lose yourself again. Lean into the good in your life and realize how much is possible.

Like family game nights and shutting it down at 5pm.

Like family movie nights and telling yourself nothing is more important than being here with you.

Like walks with your puppy and seeing her smile, seeing a puppy smile!

Like baths and sinking your muscles and bones into the warmth you need.

It's possible to run without a race in your future. It's possible to workout and watch your body get bigger and change your entire mindset for beauty, it's possible to work until you know you have to stop and then...stop. It's possible to reach out to people during the day and remind them how much they mean to you. It's possible to have a squad that is there for you. It's possible to be close, really close, to your children and raise them well.

So, I always thought I knew what was possible. I always thought if I work hard enough, I'll get there. But I couldn't even imagine the possibilities I discovered in a year that forced me to stop all of my old ways. So much more is possible when you are asked to regroup so thank you 2020.

22
Jan

Five Minute Friday - fix

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on fix.

"A nation that isn’t broken, but simply unfinished." Amanda Gorman

I hope we all listened to the woman that stole the show. To the woman that showed honor and grace and love and support. To the woman that showed leadership and heart and humility. To the woman that came to remind us, we don't need to fix the broken, we need to finish the job.

Each generation should get us one step closer, no, more than one step. This generation moved us leaps and bounds further because they forced us to come to terms with who we have been and who we are. But, we are not broken, we just are unfinished.

We took to the streets, we let our concerns and our voices heard. We voted. We voted hard. We stood up for what was just, we said enough. We are so ready to move forward. We are so ready to move forward as one. One Nation, one people, under God. We are so ready to finish the job.

We are ready to heal our planet, our souls, our bones. We are ready to heal our hearts, our hate. We are ready to heal. As one, we are ready to heal as one. I too thought we are so broken, there is no way to fix any of this. We are too divided, too angry, it is all too much.

Until a young, gorgeous, smart, incredible woman, took to the stage. She was so confident, so humble, so ready. And she reminded me, that we are not a broken nation, we are simply unfinished.

And our work begins as we try to finish our job for our littles, for our future, for theirs.

11
Dec

Five Minute Friday - beyond

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on beyond.

I am working on a longer post this week that talks about my ability to go "above and beyond", the pros and cons of that, the inability I have to not give it my all, the difficulty I have in stopping.

Then, last night, a few of us got into a conversation about what happens to us and how we emotionally and actually respond when things are beyond our control. Does the lack of control make us regroup? Does it make us reprioritize and seek a healthy mental state? Do we double down on lists and tasks? Do we let more and more things go? Do we take more and more on? The conversation kept me up most of the night thinking, wondering, amazed at how different we all are. Amazed at how little we try and understand each other, amazed at how much we do try and understand each other.

And this is where my next post comes in because weeks ago I started thinking about this and maybe because of that, or maybe because more and more people are talking about it, I find myself listening to a lot of different perspectives. What "works" for me, when I do know and come to terms with what is "not working". How to I manage and most importantly, how do I tackle life when everything is beyond my control.

This year started me working on my business full time. A reduction in my working hours, a peace and calm I was really needing. Like all of us, I went through the horror of this pandemic, the worry of family who I honestly thought I might lose, the concern of "what ifs" with the company and if I lost my income, the worry of not going out and the depression that came with not seeing those I love. This year, the world caught on actual fire. Everywhere we looked, there was social unrest, a reckoning we needed to do, still need to do, big changes we had to make. As as the world caught on fire, I watched people still be themselves in the sense that they worried about things that were "insane" to me. I watched as their priorities seemed so skewed and clearly not important.

So, what if I used the same grace on them that I am using towards others. What if I realize that they are leaning into what makes them comfortable because things are beyond their control and "control" is too important to them? What if I offered myself that same grace and said that I'm not "too much" all of the time. I just am and when things are beyond my control, I go above and beyond to make it feel right in my head.

Stop.

31
Oct

Five Minute Friday - vote

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on vote.

Go.

Did I ever tell you that I once refused to vote. Out of principle. Out of anger. Because I didn't believe in our system anymore and I was so tired of the lies and the concerns and the way we all felt let down. I hated that one person's one vote didn't seem to count.

Did you also know that politics is a no-no to discuss? That most people battle or are disappointed when they find out you aren't "on the same side". As I aged, I got over a lot of that lovies. I did vote. I did let my voice be heard. I did fall in love with a leader that really led with his heart and soul and betterment of the county and wanting things to be better and knowing better and doing better. I started to believe again.

You know where I stand. You know I will be on the right side of history and this election is the most important of our lives. I keep shouting that there are more of us, there will always be more of us, but we all get complacent and we all get tired and we all don't show up. So this election, please show up. Please look into your souls and be sure the person representing our county is someone you want our kids to really look up to, really be like.

This election, show up, vote the hell out of this election, be on the right side of history. Don't give up on this country. America is not perfect, but there is hope here and for that, she is beautiful.

Stop.

17
Oct

Five Minute Friday - hold

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on hold.

Go.

Last week, I was saying goodnight. Goodnight to my youngest. Goodnight to my baby. Goodnight to my little man that became Ferdinand in front of my eyes. And I told him a story.

Sweet love, when you were just born, I held you close. You would wake me for a 2am feeding and I would rock you in the corner and I would tickle your ear to keep you awake. I would sing, our song, and your feet would dance. It would make me smile, even in the early early hours, you made me smile. You always knew how to make me smile.

I was to put you down sleepy but awake, that's what all the books said. I needed to put you down, I needed to stop holding you. Were there nights when I did...absolutely. Were there nights I held on longer, knowing you would be the last, the last firsts, the last last, the last...absolutely.

And so, last week, I told you all about it. I reminded you of our song. I reminded you of the ear tickle, I reminded you of how food made your feet dance. And to my little one that cannot stop moving, you held me. You held on and you listened and you gave me a smooch.

I love you monkey. I love you. I love your energy. I love your monkey moves. I love your Ferdinand ways. I love your hair and your smile. I love your tears and your needs. I love how every day is your best day. I love how you think everything is the best, until you don't. I love how all of your emotions are on the outside of your body. I love you monkey.

I love to hold you.

Stop.

25
Sep

Five minute Friday - your

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on your.

Go.

Where is your line? Where is your line drawn in the sand? Where will you stand? What will you put up with and then where is your limit? What are your words, how will you use your voice? What is in your control? What is your responsibility? What is in your power and how will you use it?

This week, our nation continues with civil unrest and a civil rights movement. This week, our nation lost a warrior, a treasurer, a true leader, a woman that had grit/determination/love of her country/love of service/love of justice. This week we said goodbye to a national hero. When she was asked, what is your stance, she never waivered. When she was asked, what is your line, she knew herself. When she was asked, what will your legacy be, she knew.

This week, this mama is faced with small challenges but is still asked...where is your line? What will your voice say? What is your stance? What are your values? Who are you and where will you go from here?

The answer is, I do not know. Not all of it, not all of the time. I do know that my voice is getting louder (if one can even imagine). I do know that I am constantly trying to change and grow (even though I live in stubborn). I do know that I have always been and will always be determined. I too have grit. I too have a pull to do better, when you know better, do better. I do know I will land on this earth leaving a mark and one I will be proud of.

Stop.

18
Sep

Five Minute Friday - church

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on church.

Go.

For some, it takes place in a building.

For some, it means praying and rituals and symbols.

For some, it means there is a "Person" involved, a God of sorts.

For all, it is a feeling, a meaning, a peace, and that can happen anywhere.

Church can be pancake Sunday with the kiddos so excited and happy and the coffee warm and loving.

Church can be our happy hearts where we share what we are grateful for, that week, during that time.

Church can be a run, a yoga class, a feeling of letting go and allowing something else to be in control.

Church can be a really hot shower, a warm bath. The sinking in to water that is needed to wash the day away.

Church can be an ocean, a beach, the sound and rhythm of the back and forth that allows you to listen, really listen.

Church can be a bed, calling to you. Asking you to close your eyes and lay your worries down.

Church can be a race, the adrenaline running through your veins as you come together as a community.

Church can be losing yourself in a book, forgetting all about yourself.

Church can be your community service and remembering others need you, this world needs you.

Church can be putting your babies to sleep, looking at those little faces, telling them we did our best today, tomorrow we will do better because we know better.

Church can be telling your family you love them and the feeling that comes from hearing it back, even when they talk to you from their sleep.

Church is not contained in walls, buildings, or by the God we worship. Church is all around us.

Stop.

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