Childhoodtake2!

"You can't skip chapters, that's not how life works.
You have to read every line, meet every character.
You won't enjoy all of it. Hell, some chapters will make you cry for weeks.
You will read things you don't want to read, you will have moments where you don't want the pages to end.
But you have to keep going.
Stories keep the world revolving.
Live yours, don't miss out."

There are chapters I go back and re-read.
Over and over again.
Chapters like my college years.
Chapters like the beginning with Dad.
Chapters like the beginning with you both.
Chapters like our traditions, our trips, our Friday night snuggles.
Chapters like the adoption of all three of our puppies.
Chapters like all of your firsts, all of them.
Chapters like how long you lingered in childhood.
Chapters like how I would watch you sleep, and it was almost so precious that it hurt.

Then, there are chapters I wish I could skip.
But, if I skipped them, I would miss too much.
Like the seven chapters of fog that rolled in on us, if I never reread those pages, I would miss the beginning of Cole.
I would miss so so many firsts that I could not imagine pouring over those pages.
I would miss our first family trip.
I would miss so much joy.
And I would miss a very important lesson about family, how difficult things can get, but how loving they can still be.
I would miss the lesson that two things can always be true at the same exact time.

If I skipped the chapters of heartache, the ones where I had so much loss and disconnection...
Then I wouldn't have the chapters of love, warmth, and connection that brought on the heartache.
Heartache, grief, loss, it doesn't come without love, longing, and incredible memories.

So no, I can't skip those times..
I want to remember the good, even if it ended in ways I would not want.
Even if it ended in ways I would want.
I have to remember it all.
Luckily, my memory wouldn't allow me to forget.
I have it all locked in, at all times. Ready to recall.

I love you guys.
And if I don't say it enough, I'm so lucky to be your mom.
I am so proud of the books we have written together.
I cannot wait to see the ones you write on your own, but thank you for the most amazing library that fills our home.

As I sit here...
It has been five very long, frustrating, discouraging, painful, sad weeks of not moving my body.
I have never ever gone this long and I am not dealing very well with it all.

As I sit here...
The sun is finally out more than it is sleeping.
The weather is starting to change and spring is making her way.

As I sit here...
My newest little lady is obsessed with me. I'm her very best friend.
She has been my joy, my laugh, my smile, when I needed it most.

As I sit here...
Pearl is still my perfect puppy.
She is working really hard at being a good big sister even though she is feeling left out, left behind, left.
But sweet love of mine, I adore you, I always have, I always will.
I still love your hugs and snuggles, and snores, and ears, and head tilts, and the way you sleeep.

As I sit here...
My daughter is about to turn sixteen.
My son, thirteen.
I will soon have two teenagers and one will be learning to drive.
But that daughter of mine, still randomly tells me how much she loves me.
That son of mine, he still hugs me (not has tight, not as long) and still lets me give him little guy smooches.
He's still upset if I get hurt, or am sad.
He's still worried about me and allows me to worry about him.
My 16 and 13 year old children are incredible people.

As I sit here...
My husband and I are still in love.
In fact, I'm falling for him harder and feel that my love is becoming a needy annoyance.
I just feel like so much is happening, and he's my only constant, I need more and more of a reminder that we're going to be us.

As I sit here...
So much is changing, so fast.
I feel like we are on a fast track on our lives.
So much is going to happen with zero pauses and zero breaths to take.

As I sit here...
Right now, I just realized that maybe my falling, dislocating this stupid elbow, and being unable to move, shower, brush my teeth, dress myself, and be myself was the universe telling me to stop.
Maybe I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and take it all in.
Maybe I needed to stop and watch instead of do and be.
Maybe I needed to use the time to stop and watch.