Childhoodtake2!

"Surround yourself with relentless humans.
People who plan in decades, but live in moments.
Train like savages, but create like artists.
Obsess in work, relax in life.
People who know this is finite, and choose to play infinite games.
Find people scaling mountains. Climb together."

When I tuck you in at night, or when we are having a quiet moment, I whisper..."remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

And I forgot this message, or maybe I never learned it, for myself.

I have spent the last 18 months making myself smaller.
I have been made to feel as though I am too much.
I have been told I am too much.
I have definitely felt like I am too much.
Too open, too all in, too emotional, too sensitive.
I am too much to take.
I take too much on.
I have too many requirements.
I have too many moments to celebrate, no one can keep up.
I have too many routines.
I am crazy, no, too crazy.
I am too much to take.

And, it's all true.

So I retreated to become less.
And where I landed was being less me.
Less vibrant, less passionate, less loving, less interested.

"Your light may irritate a lot of unhealed people.
Shine anyway."

I have tried to fit into a more stable box.
One that has a nice tight lid.
One that is smaller in size.
One that does not take up space.

I wanted to be unseen, unheard, uninvolved.

And, it still wasn't enough.

I was still sought out.
I was still called names.
I still felt hurt, and very seen.
I was left feeling inside out and outside in.

I got even smaller.
I was more quiet. I was more withdrawn.
I hid. All the while, smiling through it.

It is my year of self respect.
It was time for me to look at myself to see what I was doing to attract pain...I am the common denominator.

All while I was telling you two to be who you are. At your core. Don't let this world change you. Try and allow your light to change the world...even when it gets hard.

"remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

So then I started calling myself names.
Hypocrite. Unauthentic. Maybe there is something wrong with my heart. Maybe my issues are that I am searching for something that can't be filled externally. I am just too damn much.

Or. Maybe it's not about me at all.
Or. Maybe it is.

Maybe it says something about me that I am searching.
Maybe it says something about me that I am in pain.
Maybe it says something about me that I do love hard.
Maybe it says something about me that I feel energy and emotions and can pick up on the room's energy.
Maybe it says something about me that people can feel my energy.

Maybe it is way too much.
Maybe I exhaust myself and others.
Maybe there is a lighter, smaller, easier way.
Maybe I can live a smaller life.

"remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

I do not have nor do I want a smaller life.
I do not live nor do I want to live in a glimmer-less world.
I do not want to pretend that the little things are special.
I do not want to smile through it.
I do not want to be closed off.
I do not want to not love with all I have.
I do not want to be less obsessed with what I love.

I want to plan in decades, because I see you in my future.
I want to be the one that shows up, because I love you.
I want to be the one you can count on, because I am here.
I want to be the one that understands you can't talk right now, because sometimes time is the best medicine.
I want to be the lover of life.
I want to be as passionate as I am.
I want to cry when things move me.
I want to laugh when things are funny.
I want to remember that there are dark corners everywhere so I'm okay celebrating light.
I want to tell you how beautiful you are because I believe it.
I want to listen to you, because life can be a lot and we all need good listeners.
I want to love what I love because it moves me.
I want to love a book so much I don't want it to end. And I want to be okay with the fact that I'm actually sad that it did end.
I want to be obsessed with our lives - because sometimes, it is so beautiful it could be a dream.
I want to be all in, because I'm an all in girl.
I want to be a light, because I know how dark it can get.
I want to be and am madly in love with a puppy we adopted. Because it is crazy how much I love her.
I want to find peace, love, relaxation in long rainy days. I want to linger in the sound.
I want to find comfort and warmth in snow days. I want to linger in the cozy.
I want to be obsessed with my work because I love love love to work. Because I am a relentless human.
I want to love how much I train like a savage. I put effort into me, my body, my health, my mind, my care. Because I am a relentless human.
I want to be the one you find to scale that mountain with. Because I am a relentless human.
I want to okay with being me. Because I am a relentless human.

"remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

To my littles and to myself...
"Keep good company, read good books, love good things and cultivate soul and body as faithfully as you can" - Louisa May Alcott

One’s life begins on so many occasions, constructing itself out of accident derived from coincidence compounded by character. - Donald Hall

Like the day I left.
Like the day I started on my own.
Like the day I fell in love for the very first time.
Like the day I met my family of girls.
Like the day I fell in love with him.
Like the day I adopted Mia.
Like the day I adopted you.
Like the day we fell in love.
Like the day a doctor told us my life would be a little harder.
Like the day we decided to grow our family.
Like the day we lost Mia.
Like the day we went and picked up Pearl.

Like the days upon days upon days, we try and try again.
Like the times we spend not connecting.
Like the times we reconnect.
Like the day I turned 40.
Like the day I lost my dad.
Like the year we spent healing.

Our life begins over and over and over again.
What is amazing - and at times miraculous - about family, and loves, and partners, is that you go through this rebirth, this new you, the new beginning and you still love each other.
As long as your foundation stays solid, you love the new person standing before you.
As long as your character is still in place, you know this is the direction you want to keep going in.
As long as you are not strangers, you find a way to start your life over, together.

What is amazing is that with each new, comes an opportunity to easily walk away.
Grow apart.
Grow in different directions.
Especially when you start young.
But sometimes, you find a fit that grows with you or finds a way to allow you to grow.

My life has started and restarted and restarted a million different times.
Sometimes, most times, on purpose.
Sometimes, on total accident.
But, here I stand, a million times me.

Over and over and over again, me.

Yes, I'm a little worn.
Yes, I'm quite a bit older.
No, that does not mean I'm wiser or have most or any answers.
It just means that I have restarted, every single time that I have needed to, I have restarted.

I spent a week in heaven.

Paradise actually.

Surrounded by sun, blue water, white sand, heat, views, mountain tops, drinks, amazing dinners, my family of four.

Paradise, actual paradise.

But, it started to creep in...just a little anxiety because I was sick.
And then a little more because we landed and I couldn't hear due to the congestion and my ears being clogged.
And then a little more because of the heat and trying to find our card.
And then a little more because we needed to find the house and the escort.
And then a little more because I realized the home didn't have AC (only in the bedrooms).
And then a little more because bugs ate us alive the second we opened our doors.
And then a little more because I realized I couldn't work out at all, no way to run up and down the mountains, no way to take a walk, even without the mountain, the temperature wouldn't allow it.
And then a little more just because.

But I'm in paradise, actual paradise.

And then I started to really miss the puppy, and I couldn't shake my old feeling of dread.
And then I started to not be able to sleep well.
And then I woke up to "we have to go as soon as possible" and "are you ready to go?" and "are we ready?".
Usually, I can just roll with that, but it all started to be...a little more.

And then the kids started to get to me, just a little here and there.
And then the facial expressions got to me, just enough.
And then I called my mom and heard her voice and how much my puppy was hugging her and she couldn't understand her love.
And then my illness landed in my chest, and the coughing started.

And then I started to feel better.
And then I went for a swim - and I remembered how hard swimming is!
And then I went for another swim and got all the one from one side to the other and I felt great!
And then I started to dance with my kids.
And then we shopped.
And then my husband and I talked and connected.
And then I felt even better.
And then it was getting closer to getting home, and I was ready.

And now I'm back. Puppy at my feet.
Working out and walking and being in my home.
Drinking my coffee, sleeping in my snuggled bed.
Getting our home ready for renters, just a few weekends this time so we can enjoy our time here.
Doing my laundry and making and eating dinner together.
Thunderstorms and heavy rains at night.
Concerts and tourists all over our little town.
The feel, the energy, the rhythm.
Routine in check.

Paradise, actual paradise.

This morning, we were in the Caribbean Sea, both of our Littles right next to us.
"Today is our anniversary" I said with a smile so big it looked painted on.
"To which Anna replied "of..." with a tone that said, damn, what are you celebrating now?

We all laughed because, yeah, I celebrate us a lot.
And I always and forever will.
Even if I'm the only one that loves it.
Even if you all roll your eyes at me and at it.

Because these little moments are the ones that took my breath away and life is filled with enough moments of pain. So any and every chance I get, I will celebrate us.

July 8th is the anniversary of our first date. But for me, it was the start of all of us.
It's the day I found simple, kind, joyous love.
It's the day I met my family.
It's my last firsts.
My last first date. My last first kiss. My last first flutter of will he kiss me?
The last time a boy held my hand the first time.
The last time I felt a rush of that smile you gave me.

It was the start of us.

But for you, our wedding is the most important date so I will give you that one too.
The look you gave me when you saw me.
The way my mom hugged you.
The way my dad kissed your forehead.
The way we danced our first dance.
The amount of people and food.
The amount of joy and utter chaos.
I will give you that day.

As for me, I will celebrate all of us.
I will celebrate each little and big moment that led us here.
Without them, we would be in very different places, we would be different people, we would have different lives.

I will celebrate the day we met and the day we went out.
I will celebrate the day you asked me to marry you, shaking, crying, with our Mia by your side.
I will celebrate the day we moved into our first home together.
I will celebrate the day we found out we were pregnant with each baby.
I will celebrate their birthdays.
I will celebrate the day I adopted Mia, her birthday, I will hold the day we lost her close.
I will celebrate the day we all adopted Pearl and her birthday too. It was the day she healed us with joy and love.
I will celebrate and reminisce and think back to simpler times and forward to exciting times.
The life we built, this really big life.
All the things we have done, the things we decided not to do.
All the times we fought and lost and all the times we fought and won.

It's no secret that I am obsessed with us.
It's no secret that I love the little moments and how much they bring me.
It's no secret that everyone, even my little family, rolls their eyes at me, but I'll be damned if I stop.

I will celebrate all of us.

We all spend so much time talking/thinking/worrying about happiness.
Being happy all of the time.
Being happy with our marriages, our careers, our choices, our parenting, our kids, our homes, our lives.
Being so out of control in love with happiness that we actually worry about it.
I am no exception to this.
I too always thought that finding your joy is the reason for life.

Finding your joy.
Getting through the hard because at the other side is what you've worked for and that will bring you joy.

But, as I have entered into the most embraced and loved decade of my life, I have found out that of course, life isn't always happy all of the time.
Your career will fulfill you until it does not.
Your marriage will spark joy in your toes until you hit a fog so thick and heavy you can't see each other anymore.
Your children will make your insides hurt with such love, joy, and appreciation of life - until you look at them with such rage and craze that you're not sure who you are anymore.
Your home needs constant upkeep and draws out wants.
Your friends change, your life changes, your kids get older, things get easier, then harder again.

So, there is no such thing as happy all of the time.
And what I have found, even when things got heavy and hurtful and sad - are glimmers.

There are also glimmers - and they are all around us.

Glimmers of joy, hope, love.
Glimmers of memories that keep you warm.
Glimmers of smiles that make you fall in love.
Glimmers of puppy kisses, snuggles, and deep periods of sleep that make you feel relaxed just by watching her.
Glimmers of great shows, great music, great stories.
Glimmers of friends, the new, the old, the ones that know you.

There are glimmers of the old you and the new person you are.
There are glimmers of who you no longer are.
There are glimmers of deep joy, the kind that takes over again.

There are glimmers when you have to walk a stubborn parent to his death, and help a mother cope with life after.
Glimmers like the humor you find as a family.
Glimmers like your unit pulling for you in every way.
Glimmers like your person going through it with you, and feeling a closeness like you couldn't have imagined.

There are glimmers when you and your spouse can't navigate parenting.
Glimmers like tucking them in at night together and talking about the good sweet parts of the day.
Glimmers like picking each other, each and every day.
Glimmers like watching a show or movie that you know will make you connect.

There are glimmers when the career that defines you

There are glimmers when I get into my car and listen to music that makes me feel things.
There are glimmers when I slip into bed, grab a good book, and touch toes with you.
There are glimmers when I snuggle in on the couch with Pearl.
There are glimmers when we go out to dinner and I look across the table at you, the one I get to spend this life with.
There are glimmers when I watch them sleep.
There are glimmers when I see him with friends.
There are glimmers when I work out with her.
There are glimmers when she talks about her squad.
There are glimmers when we laugh together.
There are glimmers when we travel and everyone reconnects.
There are glimmers when I am in a good routine and I feel like me.
There are glimmers when I am done folding laundry.
There are glimmers when I'm done with my run.
There are glimmers when I'm done with a shower.
There are glimmers when I listen to Pearl snore.
There are glimmers when I see they inherited how your tongue sticks out of your mouth when you are all thinking and concentrating.
There are glimmers when our son hugs me.
There are glimmers when our daughter and I walk together.
There are glimmers when I hear rain, see our world turn gray.
And there are glimmers when it snows, and everything is covered in white.

So, when things feel unbearable, when life is a slog, find glimmers lovies.
Glimmers of hope, love, joy, peace.
Trust me, they are right in front of you.

There was another life that I might have had, but I am having this one. - –KAZUO ISHIGURO

I think of the different directions I could have gone in.
What if I stayed with Nonna and Nonno?
What if I didn't start at BBBS?
What if I had stayed with that boyfriend or the other?
What if I hadn't walked into that Blockbuster?
What if I didn't say yes to babies?
What if I didn't start this business?

But I am having this one.
The one in which an agency raised me.
The one in which I did go off on my own and I actually did it.
The one in which I found someone that wanted to do this life with me, not for me.
The one in which we moved to Saratoga Springs.
The one in which we made two amazing people.
The one in which we held our first puppy while she left us.
The one in which I did take a chance on me, again, and I did start something.

What if I didn't meet the girls I met at Geneseo?
What if I didn't surround myself with people that believed in me?
What if I never believed them that I need to start believing in myself just a little bit?
What if I didn't use writing to heal?
What if I didn't go to that therapist?
What if I didn't start to prove I could do hard things?

But I am having this one.
The one in which I met framily.
The one in which I forever and always tried to fill a space.
The one in which I was always searching.
The one in which I am finally done proving I do hard.
The one in which I can put down my fighting gloves, I don't need them anymore.
The one in which I found family.

What if I had held strong at saying no to you?
What if dad didn't say yes to Pearl?
What if I didn't get to find out about mothering?
What if we had smaller lives...quieter even?
What if we had stayed put in Rochester?

But I am having this one.
The one where I get to mother.
The one where I see how small our window of time is.
The one where I see it getting smaller and smaller and smaller.
The one where I get to walk and run and snuggle and play with a puppy that fills me so.
The one where our lives are big, and loud, and chaos.

I am having this one.

Good morning joy, it's been a while since I have seen your face.
First thing in the morning, it's been a long long time.
I suddenly noticed you when I felt light, airy, almost a bounce in my step.
I saw you when I was walking Pearl and loving her tail wagging.
I saw you while in the gym and pushing myself hard.
I saw you this morning, when the snow was quietly falling, I noticed the quiet and I breathed you in.
I saw you and I remembered what you felt like.
Good morning joy, welcome back to me.

Good afternoon joy, it's been a while since I have felt you.
Right in the middle of the day.
Working my day, working my work.
It's been so long since I have felt this good about my work and my day and my schedule.
It's been so long since I have felt happy, this happy, this joyful.
I am able to break and be.
I am able to run my day the way I would like to.
I felt you creep in while I wasn't looking.
I felt you take a hold of what was once tired and dread, and I breathed you in, again and again and again.
Good afternoon joy, welcome back to me.

Good evening joy, it's been a while since I have seen you.
At night, when the chaos really begins.
But, there you are. Present when my daughter comes home and fills me in on the funny of her day.
Present when our little guy comes barging through the door and asks to go play.
Present when I take Anna to the gym and get more alone/walking time with Pearl.
Present when we settle into our nightly routines.
Ever present when I'm finishing up on my work and feeling good about the spot I'm in.
Present, there, just fluttering.
Good evening joy, welcome back to me.

And by the time I crawl into bed, it's a different kind of tired.
It's a ready for bed tired vs I want the world to go away tired.
I can read for a bit now, allow my mind to escape, vs I can't even keep my eyes open.
I take a bath to keep the cozy feeling going vs I have to wash the day off of me.
I dream of my life vs the nightmares I was living in.
The stress and anxiety and fear of my world are still present, I can still sense them, but they are once again fuel. No longer a foot standing on my chest and not allowing me to breathe.

My breath is different joy.
My smile is different too.
My thoughts are mine again.
My coffee can be felt.
My mood is yours joy.
My eyes are open again.
My life is okay...I feel okay.

Hello joy, welcome back to me.

"But rushing around seems what's wrong with the world..." DMB

I live a life of doing...striving...full of grit...full of determination...full of goals...and next steps...I always rush.
From one meeting to the next, from one thing to the other, I wore busy like a freaking badge of honor.

Grit, determination, goals, and even stress...those can all be good things.
Until they are not.
Like everything in the world, too much of a good thing is never good and I always crossed a line.
And my biggest complaint was exhaustion but I was unable to sleep. No longer dreaming but living in nightmares.

I was burnt out and I felt like my life had no meaning.
If I wasn't running, what was the point?
I had a goal in mind and I was going to get there, even if it made me a disaster.

And then I gave up a career that defined me and I started something I never imagined I could.
I gave up on what I thought I was always and forever meant for, but what I clearly was loving to death.
Because it was going to be the end of the real me if I stayed much longer.

And then the world stopped spinning and COVID forced us all to stop.
So stop I did.
I stopped rushing and planning and meeting.
I stopped races and racing.
I put a stop to proving I could do hard things. I already know I can so who do I need to prove it to anymore?

And then I figured out how sick I was - how sick I was making myself.
Because it's not normal to cry that much.
It's not normal to have dreams that are war zones.
It's not normal to feel like someone is standing on your chest.
And it's not normal to work that damn hard.
It's also not normal to get the shakes, to forget the most important and the least important things.

And then my father was diagnosed and everything in my life was chaos.
And it was complicated.
And I tried.
And I cried and cried and cried.
And through all of the pain, chaos, dysfunction, complications, and family dynamics, I felt prepared.
I felt as though my heartbeat had finally slowed.
It was no longer racing in my chest, but instead it slowed down even more.

Because I had changed.
I was no longer the woman that was looking to prove herself.
I was showing up for very different reasons.
I was also losing huge parts of me and I was learning who I now was without.

I said goodbye to a career and a definition of who I was.
I said goodbye to people I thought would be my always and forever.
I said goodbye to a man I thought would outlive us all.
I said goodbye to parts of me I was ready to shed.

I put down my fighting gloves.
I lost my venom.
I lost my voice at times.
I lost my desire to stand up for myself a lot.

And I slowed down a lot.
I started to really take notice of the change of seasons.
I listened to my breath on a run.
I took in the colors around me.
I pet and snuggled my dog.
I slept and napped and slept and fell deeper and deeper into sleep.
I ran to hear my feet and feel my lungs push a little bit.
I went all in on a workout and backed off when I realized it was too much - I realized something was too much!
I read before bed now.
I travel a lot.
I walk and walk and walk and walk the dog.
I soak in tubs.
I take crazy hot showers.
I'm with my kids.
My daughter and I talk.
My son and I snuggle.
We have actual time together to just be together.

"Breathing just to breathe
We might find some reason..." - DMB

Oh joy begin
Weak little thing
More precious there'll be nothing, no
Oh joy begin

Sweet loves of mine...
I have shared how motherhood was not what I had imagined in my life.
I have shared how worried I always was to be a mom.
I have shared how I put motherhood out of my mind.
But I share my life with a man that would not have it any other way.
Fatherhood was always a part of his story.

More precious there'll be nothing, no
Oh joy begin

When you first came into our lives, the joy of parenting was overwhelming.
I cannot begin to tell you how at peace I was in our first three years of life.
Joy had entered my soul in a way that I did not realize would happen.
My connection to your father was so intense, we were living a significant part of our purpose...
not just to be parents, but to be your parents.
I had no fear, I had no concerns, I just mothered and loved.
Let's not forget these early days...oh joy begin

And then, without warning, without realizing it...a fog came over us.
Draped in a heavy cloud, gray, full of darkness, it fell hard and fast.
We then spent years of our lives blindly stumbling through, no longer co-parenting, no longer connected, no longer living our purpose, but continuously trying.
We landed in such a way that our love allowed us to clear a path...we always knew we were all still there, we just needed to find a way, our way.
We lose our way in fear and pain...oh joy begin

As we lived through this fog, I look back and think of how thick it was to fight our way through.
Not our coach, he doesn't even remember it.
As I look back, I think of the pain, the tears, the difficulties.
Not our coach, he remembers our children growing up in front of his eyes.
And the truth is, we are both right. Both of those things happened at the same time.

More precious there'll be nothing, no
Oh joy begin

Looking back at our time together, so many things developed.
You grew, you grew and you grew and you grew and you grew.
And so did we.
Together, we built on something and intentionally tried to find joy.

We made joyous decisions like...
we would travel and give you experiences.
we would show you parts of the country and world that we hadn't seen.
We made joyous decisions like...
we would give you opportunities to try new things, things you wanted to try
instruments and sports and clubs and friends
We made joyous decisions like...
we would fill our home with traditions and foundations that you relied on
we would fall back to the real us and snuggle in
we would show each other love in wonderful ways
we would rely on each other
We made joyous decisions like
we would adopt and take care of a dog
we would show them our love and attention
we would take care of them and hold them as close as we held each other
We made joyous decisions like
we would read together
we would play board games
we would watch movie series
we would connect, in any way possible, we would connect.

After so many years, the fog is definitely lifting.
We can see how much more clearly now.
We have repaired much of the hurt we have faced.
We allowed love to fix the broken and find our way back.
There are reasons we are here now...

First and foremost, we would not give up on us.
With you growing, I leaned so heavily on dad and his parenting style.
We talked and talked and talked.
We listened to each other and made changes based on the pain we were causing.
We lost a lot together, more than we knew we were going to. More than we had imagined at this point in our lives. And, when you really are family, well, you fall into each other during significant loss and pain. You push each other to look differently at life. You ask each other about different ways it could have gone. You support each other, but also make sure you are being honest. You remember that your person makes you the best version of you and you show up.
We remembered that we are partners in the best way. It's the most wonderful thing about us lovies and recently, it has become so evident and makes me well, joyful.

It is important to me that you hear and remember all of us sweet loves.
Life, relationships, marriage, and partners, it is work. Real-life work. Forever work. The most important work.
It is so easy to love in the hard, it is so so easy to love in the easy. It is so easy to love in the beginning.
It is so much work to love forever. The most important job you will have is being in a relationship...any relationship. Friendships, forever loves, family, framily...they are all important work...our most important work.
Because why else are we all here if not to connect, support, love, push, cherish, engage, challenge, and adore one another?

If you ever find yourself in the deep of the fog, keep talking, keep searching, keep remembering.
Do not forget your story, your connection, your reasons.
Do not believe the lies of everyday bliss and joy.
Do not believe that there will not be fog.
Do not believe that the work isn't worth it, it always is.
Do not forget our story, our love story.
The one that began with two innocent kids, falling so easily for each other.
Finding joy so remarkably easily.
And then with intention, finding our way back.

With laughter sing, oh life begin
First just one step

We lived the whole of our early lives under the rule of postponement: life was not in the present, it was always ahead of us. Somewhere in the future we would be the people we intended to be. - Diana Trilling - The Beginning of the Journey

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
I was the best of the best at this. I always thought to myself, I need to get through _____________.
This month, this quarter, this week, this year, these next three years. Three years of waiting on happiness.
I always thought, put it off...whatever it was...put it off until you're older.
Save the trips for retirement, save the money for a rainy day, see the world another time, save for later.
Save all you have, someday you can use it. What if something were to happen and you needed it?

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
And then I saw how quickly life passes you by.
I saw so many important people around me waiting.
I saw how little our window of time with our littles really is - how little time we have to be just us four + puppy.
And then I saw, there was nothing to wait for, we have now, what are we waiting on?

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
I saw people wait to enjoy life until after, and then I saw that time taken from them.
I saw them robbed of their tomorrow.
I saw how difficult things are when you get older, and how many things get more difficult with age.
I saw us planning, me planning, always waiting on the future us.
And then I saw, there was nothing to wait for, we have now, what are we waiting on?

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
And then, I stopped. I stopped waiting and I stopped looking forward to tomorrow only.
I am not saying that I am in the present all of the time.
I am not saying that I am never in a season of hard.
I am not saying that I do not get weighed down with heavy or worried.
But I have stopped waiting.

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
It's a strange thing to have gone through the pain of walking your parent to their final days.
It's a strange thing to have lived your life buried in work and everything feeling too heavy.
It's a strange thing to define yourself by your work and feel unsatisfied with it.
It's a strange thing to start over, to redefine your terms.
It's strange to have terms, your own terms.

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
I created something that makes me happy, whole, and balanced.
I created something that gave me back my time, my power.
I created something that I no longer allow to define me, but I do still love.

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
I started adding more and more balance to my life.
Walks to walk.
Snuggles and naps.
Working out to feel good.
I fall asleep listening to the rainfall.
I take really long baths.
I spend time with my kids.
Time with my person.
Time, I gave myself time again.

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
We travel, we see things now.
We slow down and at the same time, we do things that make us smile.
We talk a lot more now, we examine if we are falling back into old habits.

Isn't it strange...how we live our lives for another day?
I am no longer interested in tomorrow.
I am no longer going to get through a time/season in my life.
I am no longer waiting.