Childhoodtake2!

"Surround yourself with relentless humans.
People who plan in decades, but live in moments.
Train like savages, but create like artists.
Obsess in work, relax in life.
People who know this is finite, and choose to play infinite games.
Find people scaling mountains. Climb together."

When I tuck you in at night, or when we are having a quiet moment, I whisper..."remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

And I forgot this message, or maybe I never learned it, for myself.

I have spent the last 18 months making myself smaller.
I have been made to feel as though I am too much.
I have been told I am too much.
I have definitely felt like I am too much.
Too open, too all in, too emotional, too sensitive.
I am too much to take.
I take too much on.
I have too many requirements.
I have too many moments to celebrate, no one can keep up.
I have too many routines.
I am crazy, no, too crazy.
I am too much to take.

And, it's all true.

So I retreated to become less.
And where I landed was being less me.
Less vibrant, less passionate, less loving, less interested.

"Your light may irritate a lot of unhealed people.
Shine anyway."

I have tried to fit into a more stable box.
One that has a nice tight lid.
One that is smaller in size.
One that does not take up space.

I wanted to be unseen, unheard, uninvolved.

And, it still wasn't enough.

I was still sought out.
I was still called names.
I still felt hurt, and very seen.
I was left feeling inside out and outside in.

I got even smaller.
I was more quiet. I was more withdrawn.
I hid. All the while, smiling through it.

It is my year of self respect.
It was time for me to look at myself to see what I was doing to attract pain...I am the common denominator.

All while I was telling you two to be who you are. At your core. Don't let this world change you. Try and allow your light to change the world...even when it gets hard.

"remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

So then I started calling myself names.
Hypocrite. Unauthentic. Maybe there is something wrong with my heart. Maybe my issues are that I am searching for something that can't be filled externally. I am just too damn much.

Or. Maybe it's not about me at all.
Or. Maybe it is.

Maybe it says something about me that I am searching.
Maybe it says something about me that I am in pain.
Maybe it says something about me that I do love hard.
Maybe it says something about me that I feel energy and emotions and can pick up on the room's energy.
Maybe it says something about me that people can feel my energy.

Maybe it is way too much.
Maybe I exhaust myself and others.
Maybe there is a lighter, smaller, easier way.
Maybe I can live a smaller life.

"remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

I do not have nor do I want a smaller life.
I do not live nor do I want to live in a glimmer-less world.
I do not want to pretend that the little things are special.
I do not want to smile through it.
I do not want to be closed off.
I do not want to not love with all I have.
I do not want to be less obsessed with what I love.

I want to plan in decades, because I see you in my future.
I want to be the one that shows up, because I love you.
I want to be the one you can count on, because I am here.
I want to be the one that understands you can't talk right now, because sometimes time is the best medicine.
I want to be the lover of life.
I want to be as passionate as I am.
I want to cry when things move me.
I want to laugh when things are funny.
I want to remember that there are dark corners everywhere so I'm okay celebrating light.
I want to tell you how beautiful you are because I believe it.
I want to listen to you, because life can be a lot and we all need good listeners.
I want to love what I love because it moves me.
I want to love a book so much I don't want it to end. And I want to be okay with the fact that I'm actually sad that it did end.
I want to be obsessed with our lives - because sometimes, it is so beautiful it could be a dream.
I want to be all in, because I'm an all in girl.
I want to be a light, because I know how dark it can get.
I want to be and am madly in love with a puppy we adopted. Because it is crazy how much I love her.
I want to find peace, love, relaxation in long rainy days. I want to linger in the sound.
I want to find comfort and warmth in snow days. I want to linger in the cozy.
I want to be obsessed with my work because I love love love to work. Because I am a relentless human.
I want to love how much I train like a savage. I put effort into me, my body, my health, my mind, my care. Because I am a relentless human.
I want to be the one you find to scale that mountain with. Because I am a relentless human.
I want to okay with being me. Because I am a relentless human.

"remember to always be you, because you're the best you I know."

To my littles and to myself...
"Keep good company, read good books, love good things and cultivate soul and body as faithfully as you can" - Louisa May Alcott

Rich colours actually look more luminous on a grey day, because they are seen against a somber background and seem to be burning with a lustre of their own. Against a dark sky all flowers look like fireworks. - G. K. Chesterton - "The Glory of Grey" It snowed today. And although not our first snowfall of the season, our first all-day snowfall. Although it was messy and very sloppy, I took a slow and deliberate run in the quiet gray. If you love to run and it's a part of your routine and identity, you have to find a way to continue to do it in this kind of weather. Living in upstate New York gives you very few "perfect weather for running" days so you have to make do with what comes your way. So, on this very wet and sloppy kind of a mess, I took a very slow and deliberate run. In the quiet gray that surrounded me. There's something so special about running in this weather. The streets are empty. You can see people inside their homes. You can see fires coming out of their roofs and you can see the glow of TVs and lights already on because the gray is taking over. Everything is a little slower. Every once in a while, you'll run into someone shoveling their driveway or out for a walk. You'll catch a dog trying to figure out what is happening to its grassy patch of earth, but most of the run, it's just me and the sound of my feet. It's me shaking off the snow so I don't feel too wet. It's just me and the gray, all around me gray. And it's gorgeous. The quiet is gorgeous, the sound of nothing. The white trees are gorgeous, the way they get heavy. The cold is gorgeous, you notice your each and every breath. When I get home, the fireplace is on. The puppy is snuggled and cozy. The warmth takes over and the colors of my home come to life. "...because they are seen against a somber background and seem to be burning with a lustre of their own..." There is power in gray. There is a deepness and richness to it. There is a quiet that is needed and a slowness that is desired. Things take longer when it's gray. Time slows down to a more appropraite speed. I feel calmer in gray, more able to rest my body and my thoughts. There is a power in that. There is power in gray.

"So much we take for granted"...

Like the sound of our puppy's feet.
Or the sound of her sleeping.
Like the smell of the season changing.
Or the smell of our children's hair.
Like how family comes together.
Or like how it is defined and created.

Like a good book.
Or a great TV show.
Like a warm fire.
Or a deep calming bath.
Like candles burning on a gray day.
Or how the sun makes rainbows dance in our house.

So let us sleep outside tonight
Lay down in our mother's arms
For here we can rest safely

Like how deep down the littles really care about each other.
Or how they both love on Pearl.
Like how much I adore you.
Or how much you try to make me happy.

Like how I start every day with a walk and end it that way too.
Or how I made a mental shift with exercise.
Like how my body is changing and how much I am learning.
Or how much I am letting go of.

Like how our house is really a true home.
Or how many memories it holds.
Like a tradition I just created.
Or how I harp on the ones I've already set in place.

One sweet world
Around this star is spinning
One sweet world
And in her breath I'm swimming
And here I will rest in peace

Like how the summer night sky is filled so many stars it takes your breath away.
Or how a winter night walk feels so calming and quiet.
Like how swimming feels so tiring.
Or how the sound of the ocean makes me fall asleep.

Like how a good storm makes me giddy.
Or how a snow storm makes me feel oddly secure.
Like how morning coffee brings me to life.
Or an evening glass of wine makes me melt away.

Like how yoga is so grounding.
Or like how a good run is so good for all of you.
Like how much love there is all around.
Or how there is peace in rest.

One sweet world
And in her breath I'm swimming
And here I will rest in peace

This week, I read a beautiful post from a wonderful woman who spoke on how it can be so simple to find little things in this world to make you smile. Make you happy. Make you slow down a little, appreciate a little more. She set out a challenge...find what makes you keep going. Write that shit down. Make yourself remember the things that make you feel like you are living, actually living. Things that breathe life back into you, make you so content, comfortable, and at home. So, I made a list. And not my regular "get this done" list but instead, a make yourself remember there are so many things to be happy and appreciative of list. This is my list of love.

• Rain…the sound, the smell, the clouds, the gray, the dark.
• Waking up before anyone especially if it’s still dark out.
• But also, sleeping and napping at all hours, any time of day.
• The heaviest of blankets.
• The smell on my hubby’s chest, it smells like home.
• My kids’ actual belly laugh.
• My puppers kisses and hugs…because I have a dog that gives actual hugs.
• Seeing my husband love on our dog.
• Seeing my husband belly laugh at our kids.
• Pop-tarts…for real though.
• Looking through old pics of the kids.
• My fireplace and how much my puppy loves the fireplace.
• How much my puppy loves her crate.
• How much my puppy loves her family and you can physically see it!
• The glow of soft lights.
• Coffee, I have such a deep-rooted love for coffee.
• A lit candle.
• My bathtub.
• A good robe.
• The sound of a bat as it hits a ball, that crack gets me.
• The look of a grown man’s face when he is so happy you can actually see the little boy in him.
• Watching basketball, especially college, most especially with my family.
• Long runs when I have 0 training scheduled, because I'm just running for the love of running.
• The very end of yoga because laying down is my favorite.
• Waking up and realizing I have so many more hours of sleep ahead of me but I’m not struggling to fall back to sleep. Because again, I love to sleep!
• A really good kiss, because you are a really good kisser, even decades after our first. 
• This fall, I don't know if I was just ready to really watch it all happen this year or if this fall has been especially exceptional but we really do live in an amazing area. I feel like we are living in a movie about a place that has a beautiful fall. There are leaves everywhere, the air is crisp but still warm, the colors are gorgeous…it has been magic.
• Family bike rides and family walks with the puppy.
• Playing a game together as a fam, I just love spending time with you guys. 
• A gray day.
• A new snowfall.
• Snowshoeing!
• Watching the kids sleep.
• Holding hands.
• Quiet.

I have so much to love on every single day. I need to remember how lucky I am and how much good I can find in my days. It is not always easy, I focus a lot on what I can be doing, should be doing, could do differently, need to work on and lists that look so different. But this list, this is a list we can all make and all take in. And slow the hell down and remember that life gives you reasons to smile. Life gives you reasons to slow down, you just have to take a breath and remember that your own list is there for you.

Maybe it was being raised in a loud household with a lot of yelling. Maybe it's because I'm introverted. Maybe it's because my world seems to be crazy and loud most of the time. Maybe it's because my husband is so loud in every. single. thing. he. does. Maybe it's because I'm a mom and get asked a bunch of questions, or constantly talked to, or pulled at, or asked to help, or be held, or open a door, or a snack, or wipe, or blow a nose, or change, or find a toy, or fix a toy, or end a fight. Maybe it's because Anna wakes up talking or that Cole spends most of his waking hours upset and frustrated. Maybe it's because Mia is fighting for attention and her hearing is going so she spends a lot of time barking. Maybe it's because of my job, or my decisions, or my choices.

The reason doesn't matter.

The truth is, gray days with rain or snow falling bring me peace, and calm, and warm my insides. They are what I think of when I think of quiet. They are my definition of quiet. They make me feel human again and like myself. They are best cherished in my little house, falling on my roof.

They can turn a day when I feel the need to cry because I am hardly surviving. The days that I feel like I am really failing, as a bride, as a mom, as a CEO, as a friend. Days when I feel like all of my energy has been wasted on the wrong thing. It's the water that reminds me of my ability to survive and find strength and not only is tomorrow another day but with kids, five minutes from now is a completely different moment.

That's why I love the rain. That's why snow days stuck inside my home fill me with love. That's why when I'm not feeling like myself, I know that watching the rain come down washes away any pain. It reminds me to sit in the quiet and breathe. It washes over me and is delicate. It is soft. It is warmth. It quiets the noise.

I have found my inner peace. OUR world is covered in a fresh white snow, my daughter and husband are giggling outside while plowing the driveway, my son is sound asleep and I'm making hot chocolate while doing a little work. All is right with my little world. I have found a way to make it all work and today I feel like a success. It is the snow that brings about a peace. Covering us in white makes me feel calm, fresh, cozy and trapped inside my wonderful little house.

At dinner tonight I was talking to Cory about how broken I feel. How this month has been filled with so much heartache, loss, illness and tragedy. I went on to whine about how it doesn't even feel like the holidays, there is no snow, it's not really cold, and he even joked about us having a reversed seasonal disorder. Then, I went to turn off our porch light and the most peaceful beautiful snow is coming down and covering our yard, just in time. — with Cory Houser.