In all the little things.
Like a warm bath.
The quiet snow.
An uncluttered home helping to unclutter my mind.
The weighted blanket I begged for.
Nightly reading dates.
Deep breathes and listening to myself breathe out.
Our weekly gratitude writing.
Big, meaningful, hugs.
Connecting on the couch.
Snuggles and piling on top of each other.
Movies and unwinding.
In my year of change, so many things have been added.
And to be honest, too many things have been added. There are times I cannot really focus and the list is never ending and I feel as though I am buried. I have also felt very alone, already resentful and angry at how much I have to keep explaining myself. How much I have to defend who I am. And in my own mind and worry, I have felt very picked on, very under the microscope and what I need to remember that there are few that get others. I am no different and, I serve others well.
But I have also added so much of what will keep me breathing. So much of what will keep me grounded and happy and at peace. Which is all I wish myself in this year. Peace, calm and joy. I wish love and warmth. But I can't just wish it, I have to make it happen.
So I will find my breath in yoga.
I will find my calm in my nightly bath.
I will stop my racing heart with weight.
I will stop my racing mind with words and hugs.
I will remember what is at stake.
I will hold on to who I am.
I will hear their laughter and remember how important childhood is.
I will bask in their love and need and desire to be around us.
I will always keep them talking as I sit attentively and listen to their day.
I will remember that the last time I felt lonely, the universe provided. And I will remember that the universe isn't just listening, it also speaks loudly and I will sit quietly and listen with open arms and an open heart. I will remember what my person and my coach said when I turned 40, what is amazing about you is that you are always thinking and always leading with your heart.
I have been working on letting go of the toxic and moving in the right direction for me. My biggest focus in this year of chaos has to be peace, calm, and joy. They cannot be big things, but small manageable ways to find it in my world. Because my world is my world and my ways are my ways. And when I set my mind on something, I find my way. But, I also have to remember that I cannot force it like I do most things. I need to go slow and find a natural rhythm to this dance.
So, my small and manageable ways are starting to serve me well. They are working and I am finding my clarity. I am finding my own way.