Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on blue.
The color of calm,
the color of water,
the color of my mind, when things start to come apart.
The color I paint in my mind, on weeks like this one.
Weeks in which it all seems to be unraveling,
everything falling apart and no one, not even those that know you down to your core, understand.
You are left feeling alone, isolated, quiet, blue.
The thing I hate the most when I get here, is how often I forget to focus on the good.
How sad and overwhelmed I am.
How life decisions feel like hurtles.
How joy is gone.
But sometimes, I need to sit in the blue of it all.
I need to feel the way I do, in order to get to the other side.
I don't want to fake it, I want to actually be on the other side,
I want to feel better, capable, okay again.
So please loud family,
Please give me a little time.
Please let me quiet my mind, try and feel better,
try and get stronger.
Please let this introverted mother retreat.
Please give her a minute.
Please understand her.
Please understand that not being able to move my body hurts me more than most.
Please understand that a house in shambles creates clutter in my mind.
Please understand that my son's birthday tomorrow means losing a little more baby, entering another milestone,
filling and breaking my heart.
Please understand that an overwhelmed mother doesn't want to keep shouting,
she doesn't want to help you to understand,
she just wants you to.
Please world, for a minute, shh.
Let me wallow in my blue.
Let me soak it in, find my way out.
Let me cover myself in ironically my favorite color,
let me wear it like a blanket to keep me warm.
I promise, I swear with all I have, I will find the joy on the other side.
I won't be able to help myself and will fall in love with your childhood,
your laughter, your excitement.
Just allow me this brief moment in time, to sit in blue.
Thanks for sharing your beautiful and honest post. It sounds very similar to the place I was in yesterday. Yesterday was the 8-year anniversary of my son's death. He went straight from womb to Heaven in the second trimester. I tried to hold it together all day, but the noise and the chaos and the energy of a family with 8 children got to me and I just burst into tears at the dinner table.
I'm also an introvert who needs more mental "space" than I can seem to find among a family of 10. Reading your post this morning has helped me feel less alone and more understood. Thank you so much for sharing. Please keep it up!
Thank you for sharing your story and being a part of FMF. You have incredible strength to continue on and find the courage to mother, parent, be. My thoughts are with you.
[…] not all here, I'm not united with them, we aren't connecting. My patience is thin, I am just plain blue. And it's not their fault, or any one person's fault. Once again, it's my reaction to the world, […]