Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on reach.
When I was younger, I reached for things that were not there.
I longed to fill a hole I felt in my heart, so I reached for connection.
And at times, I made up those connections.
I made up the relationships and the meanings and the ties.
Everything always meant a little more to me.
As I got older (and older and older and older) you would think that I would feel more settled.
More in control of relationships.
More filled with love and family I have that I no longer need to fill a void.
No longer making up relationships in my head.
No longer feeling as though I need more because I have all that I need right here.
No longer wanting to reach for what is just not there.
But, that's just not true.
I'm still reaching.
I'm still coming to terms with the fact that parts of my life were made up.
I'm still creating what I need.
For the longest time, I reached for difficult.
For the longest time, I reached and strived to prove myself; prove I can do hard things.
For the longest time, I reached for things that were just not there for me...
love when it was just too complicated,
comfort and ease when it was just too difficult,
joy when it was just too chaotic,
family when it was just not possible.
Because, although all that I love and adore is snuggled under one roof...I still want a little more.
Although I have all that I never thought I wanted, I need to be defined by more than you.
Although I have created my world, my family, and my center, I still need others.
So, I'll keep reaching out.
I'll keep creating.
I'll keep putting the pieces of this life of mine together.