Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on still.

Go.

How am I still here?

The last time we had this word for FMF I wrote all about my yoga practice and finding stillness in my life.

But my life isn't as fast-paced these days. My change in careers, my lifestyle changes, COVID, have all led me to be calmer, more centered, more able to think. But the one thing that has taken a hit is my yoga practice and I struggle to hit the mat, alone in my room. It feels different these days. I still do it (because I'm a doer) but it doesn't bring me the same feeling, the same need, and I'm no longer pulled to it like I was in class.

How am I still here?

But something is brewing. Something that is leading me to feel sick to my stomach worried. Something is in the air and I'm concerned. I'm also tired. Like really really really tired. I wake up checking how quickly I can get back to bed. I want to nap all day every day. I've been here before.

How am I still here?

I try and rally around the wonderful things in my life. I am so fortunate and so so privileged. I try and remember that when things feel heavy like this but I have also decided it is okay to feel blue. So blue it is right now. Blue and tired and worn down and out a little. An author once wrote that it's important to feel all of your feelings so that you always know you can and will get to the other side. Just when you think, I can't do this anymore, it's good to remember you were here before, don't turn numb, feel it, go through it, it's the only way out is through.

I don't get told to feel my feelings often. I get told to bottle them a lot, that they are too big for this world. So I'm going to do this one differently.

Even if I feel them while sitting still.

Even if I feel them quietly and alone.

Even if I go through this alone.

How am I still here?

I'm still here because I need to be. Because I can be. Because I will be ok

I'm still here because this is life...glorious, messy, and hard life.

I'm still here because where else in the world would I be?

I'm still here because this is how it goes, some days great, some days not, some days ok, some days blue as hell.

I'm still here.

Stop.