Five Minute Friday - weary

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on weary.

Has it really been six months since you've been in all of this pain?
Yes, it started in April, so really close to eight months.
And now tell me about this appointment, this test, what's happening with this doctor?
Lists and lists and lists of all I have been through.
But you still ran a triathlon?
Well, when I found out that the pain wasn't structural, I thought, I have to push through this.
Are you really starting to work at 5?
Yes, I am so overwhelmed and it's all I can think to do.
You know that's probably adding to it right?
I do.
And how are you doing? You know, emotionally?
I am exhausted.

It's a new normal I guess.
When you're so tired, you can't even say it anymore.
When your body is so drained.
The push and pull of life.
When you know the only thing you should do is shut everything down and take care of just you.
But, the to do lists crush you.
Every time you close your eyes, it's all you see.
All you have left to do.
And you tell yourself, just get through this week, this month, this time.
Just a little while longer.
Until you can no longer recognize the way your life should be.

Until my weary body and mind are no longer making sense of it all.
Until my weary heart is in actual pain, on the brink of tears.
Until I can no longer process, think critically.
Until you are putting them on the back burner to fit it all in.
Until you hear yourself saying all too often, god I missed you today.
Something has to give, something has to change.
I will pick up this weary body,
I will not be defined by busy.
I will shake off the nonsense,
the noise,
the chaos.

Because I will be defined by the moments that matter.
I will be defined by love and gentle and the fact that I was and am a good mom.
I was and am a caring friend.
Not by my weary body, not by my cluttered mind.
I will reawaken, it will all be different.


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