15
Aug

Healing

It's been a year of significant loss, stress, chaos, schedules, hand-holding through the worst of times, walking away, starting over, starting again, finding a new groove, finding new.

It's been a year.

It's also been a year of finding new closeness. Finding new loves. Finding family. Finding out how much I have to give. Realizing that even I have limits.

But that's okay. I believe I am ready to start the healing. Nowhere near healed, but ready to start.
I just need to figure out how and what is needed.

I know it's time.
Not only time for me to heal but time is what I need to heal.
I know it's more crying.
I know I need to let it out more. I know I need to cry about how this feels, and I need to be okay with the fact I will always cry when thinking of the memories.
I also know that it's eventually going to be less and less crying.
Because time will allow it to not be so fresh.
I know it's probably more thinking.
No longer thinking about what I could have done differently but instead about what I was able to do. How much I was able to love.
I know it's also thinking about it less.
I'm ready to no longer think this much about you.
I'm ready to put you to bed.
I know it's finding my footing again.
I need to find and figure out who I am without. Who I am and what I now need.
I know it's finding someone to laugh with.
I need laughter, I need connection, and someone to remember I have so much joy.
I know it's finding someone to talk to about it.
I don't know who, but I need to find healthy and appropriate releases.
I know it's getting angry and sad.
I'm ready to be angry at you for your part.
I'm ready to accept that you had a part.
I believe it will be more writing and processing.
I know that I need to process all that has happened in the whirlwind of the year.
I know it's getting to peace and being okay.
I know it's getting to okay and I know I will be okay.

In order to heal, you can't go back to what broke you.

I have a love in my life that reminded me that I struggle with letting go.
I struggle with loss and I struggle with failure.
Have I failed, did I fail, did it fail, did I fail you, or me?

Is that why my dreams are so real?
Is that why my memories are so strong?
Is that why I remember conversations, moments, and feelings?
Is that why I can remember a touch, a hug, a look?
Because when things get bad, I remember only the good.
I think my brain wants to protect me but all that really does is prolong the pain.

I also know that in this crazy year, I found a significant amount of love and calm.
How is it possible that through all of the hurt, loss, and craze, there were still so many amazing moments of love?
So many amazing moments of togetherness.
So many amazing moments of laughter.
And that too is part of my healing.
I need to remember all the love we shared.

I know it's slow, painful, and long.
But the first step is at least realizing I want to heal.
And I do want to heal. I want to put this part of my life to bed.
I'm ready to heal from you.
I'm ready to heal for me.

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