23
Mar

Heavy

Just because I'm carrying it well doesn't mean it's not heavy.
And just because it's heavy does not mean I'm not carrying it well.

In 2021, my little family was thrown into change and loss and we carried it.
I do not know if we carried it well, but we did carry it.
I carried it for my little family, I carried it for my extended family, I carried it for friends, and I carried it for me, so I wouldn't have to face it.
But there were moments I had to put it down to become a puddle.
Because loss and grief are hard to carry.
Just because I carry it well, doesn't mean it's not heavy.
And just because it's heavy does not mean I'm not carrying it well.

We carried it by talking.
We carried it by continuing to talk and talk.
We talked about what ifs.
We talked about how different things are now.
We talked about traditions changing.
We carried it by talking and talking. I tried to make sure to let you know you could keep talking to me, keep telling me how you feel, keep trying to work it out in your head, in all of our heads.

We carried it by crying.
We would cry at night all snuggled in.
I would cry alone.
I would cry with you.
We cried while we walked or had family dinner.
We cried because I tried to be honest but hopeful.

We carried it by knowing our parts, our role, or continued roles.
I tried to make sure you knew what we are responsible for and what we have to let go of.
I tried to make sure you knew what lines we had to draw and how we will continue to let love in.
We worked on what love looks like, how people are to make you feel.
And I was reminded by those that I love that this is the thing I do well, I love with all that I have, so we did that too.

This year, the weight is a little more as I continue to wrap my head around life now.
Life without. Life without.
And at times I have such a heavy weight of loss.
And at times I have such a release of peace.
And at times I'm just in awe.
How life and love and friendships and togetherness, how they can all be so fragile.
Just because I carry it well, doesn't mean it's not heavy.
And just because it's heavy does not mean I'm not carrying it well.

My girlfriend once spoke of loss and mentioned how the grief comes out sideways.
Like when I'm walking Pearl alone in the morning and I think of it.
Like when I rest my eyes and wind up crying into my pillow.
Like when I'm driving and out of nowhere, I'm so sad.
I do not know if I carry it well, because it's so damn heavy.

I'm going to keep crying, and being okay, and crying.
I too may get to a point where I am over it and can just be again.
I'm going to keep being concerned and wondering and hurting and then coming back to the way it is and finding peace in that.
I'm going to keep you talking, I'm going to keep being honest. I'm going to keep asking. I'm going to keep saying I'm sorry for the pain the last year has brought and the pain we still have to face.
But, just because it's heavy, does not mean we are not carrying it well.
And just because we are carrying it well does not mean it is not so damn heavy.
Either way, we can lift the load together, find a way to make it lighter...together.

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