I am not ready

It's not all good.
I'm sorry guys, but it's not.
I know I write a lot about the good, and the memories we share.
It's really important to me that you realize that you gave me a second chance, at life, at childhood.
But I also want to be honest and let you know that parenting is so hard.
Seriously hard.
Not horrible, but really hard.
It's so loud, all of the time.
And time is just rushing by, I am getting so old so quickly.
And although I have found this great balance, by the time I head home, I am bone tired.
And then I start being a mom.
And it's loud.
There is so little time and like all of us, there is still so much to do.
I have a million things to get done and I want to get you to bed and I just worked a really long day.
All I want to do is pour a glass of wine and listen to the quiet.
I want to read a book, on my couch, in the afternoon.
I want to binge watch a show, as soon as I get home, with take out food and my person.
But, the loud, it's so so loud.
You are running and screaming and chasing each other and soon, some one will get hurt (or think they got hurt) and the whining, blaming and crying will start.

But, someday, I will have my old life back.
I won't be repeating myself over and over to two faces that definitely hear me but are not listening.
My person and I won't have to have a conversation over two kids screaming for attention, we can just...talk.
Our talks will not be quick updates as we now have to calm the storms.

But, not today.
Today I have a five and two year old.
Today I have loud and chaos and mess.
Today my two year old follows me everywhere.
Shower, yep.
Bathroom, yep.
Upstairs, yep.
Laundry, yep.
Back downstairs, yep.
Today my five year old follows him everywhere, and therefore me everywhere.
Today their faces are always a mess, covered with food.
Today, their noses are always running.
Today, dinner is filled with "do this", "sit this way", "no, sit on your bottom", "this is how you ask for things", "you're being demanding", "we say please and thank you", "that's not how you talk"!

But someday, it will all be different.
Someday it will be quiet.
Someday it will be calm.
Someday it will be just us two.
Someday it will be filled with nothing to do.

But I'm not ready for that yet.
I'm not ready to give this life up or to trade it in.
I am not ready to stop raising you.
I am not ready to let go of even the worst days.
I am not ready for calm, or quiet, or clean.
I am not ready to have empty bedrooms.
I am not ready to have clean bathrooms.
I am not ready to hear from you, through phone calls.
I am not ready to lose you.
To lose small.
To lose hand holding.
To lose "I love you mommy".
To lose bedtime stories and songs.
To lose one last kiss at night.
To lose all of us, together in one house.
To lose how we define family because you will be out there, defining your own family.

I am not ready for that yet.

And luckily, I am not ready.


  1. Christy says:

    I am compelled to yell "what?!?! I can't hear you?!?"

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