Childhoodtake2!

In my best and worst moments, I break down.
When I feel so loved,
when I am overwhelmed,
when I am stressed,
when you reach another milestone,
when I am sad, when my world is covered in blue,
when I am frustrated,
the list is endless.

Because I cry.

For you
for me
for my work
for the people I haven't even met
for what I see on TV
for what we are becoming
for who we were
for who I want to be
for who I want you to be
for what I love
for what I hate
for what I am fearful of
the list is endless.

Because I cry.

I cry because you are so small it is crushing.
And I cry because I worry that the world will crush you.
I cry because I feel as though I fail you.
I cry because I look at you late at night and I cannot believe you are here.
I cry because every part of you is so tiny and so so big.

I cry because your big makes me small.
I cry because you crush me.
I cry because you wow me.
I cry because you sleep with your hands folded in prayer right by your face.
I cry because your hair reminds me so much of mine.
I cry because your eyes remind me of dad.
I cry because I feel as though I have lost important years and moments with you.
I cry because I know I will never get them back.

I cry because your small and your big are all too much for my heart.
I cray because holding this much love for all of you at times feels as though my heart if broken.
I cry because when I met you, I gave up a part of myself, a version of my life, that I still miss.
I cry because when I hold you, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I cry because I will look back and realize how much I will miss all of this, and not be able to ever tell you that.
I cry because you picked me to be your mom and I am too lucky and I don't deserve it, I don't deserve you.

I cry because you are so new
I cry because you are so old
I cry because this is your first time living this life
and I cry because I can tell one of you has already done this and has come back to make something right.

I cry because I know your innocence is not something I can protect.
I cry because I know I have to let you live this life.
I cry because I know I need to hold my tongue while you make mistakes,
ones that I could stop you from making, ones that I have already made.
I cry because I know I have to let you go, each day a little more.

I cry because you still ask to hold my hand.
I cry because you still need so much of me.
I cry because most of my words, my reactions are now remembered by you.
I cry because that is what will have you decide what to tell me when.

I cry because as a mother, I never have a day off.
I cry because I am always on, I am always yours.
I cry because I gave you my body, to live in, to live off of, to use as comfort, and I always will.
I cry because you made me see me for who I really am.I cry because you made me realize that beauty doesn't include a mirror.
I cry because you make me feel...more.

I cry from exhaustion, this is a big one for me.
I cry from the tired bones I carry, from the weight of you and family and life.
I cry from the heavy and I cry because I will never feel light again.

I cry because it is cleansing and allows me to keep going and the one thing I always have to do, is keep going.

I cry for you little one,
because your little is fleeting.

And I cry for me.
The list is endless
because I cry.