14
Dec

It's not working

Listening to a podcast this week, the host asked her interviewee, how do you know when to keep going and be persistent, and when do you know it's time to walk away, take a break, or realize it's not working.

If you don't know this already, you will for sure find out...Mom has no idea how to do this. This specific question has kept me up too many nights. Last Friday, I joined my Five Minute Friday group to write on the word "beyond" and all I could write about was when things are beyond our control and how heavily I lean into above and beyond.

I realized in these past few weeks how I have always felt almost born wrong because I don't know when or how to stop. I only know how to add, never ever take away.

And then weeks later, the podcast host was talking about how she too piles on and why she does so. As an upholder, I feel so comfortable and way better when I do more and more. Control of the things in my life, schedules, doing my routine, that is all freedom for me. So although I can pat myself on the back for a job well done, the truth is, I just feel better doing it all.

And there you have it. That explains all of me all of the time. That is why I am the way that I am.

Why do I keep going and going?

Why to I choose to kill myself over this too?

Why do I not know when it's time to stop?

Why can't I realize I need to stop or walk away?

Why don't I feel like I can or should stop?

Because, walking away from goals, dreams, relationships, love, all of it, feels out of control. Giving up, and I can't just give up.

But, just because this feels right and in control and weirdly comforting, it does actually at times cause honest harm. So, how does anyone know and really understand that their tactics are not working, and it's time to do the opposite?

Sweeties, I do not know. I do not know how to teach you this because I do not know any of these answers. It is one of my many faults and I cannot ever seem to figure it out. I'm an all-in girl and whenever things spin out of control or get out of hand or I'm in over my head...I don't just keep going, I add. I double down. Hard. I give more, I do more, I push harder, and I never ever know how to walk away. Even if it is not healthy.

I don't know for sure but I do not think that either of you are all in. I think you might go the other way and drop more balls than you pick up. I'm going to work hard at understanding this, allowing you to find your groove and also reminding you that it may not be the healthiest if you go too far in any one direction. Don't let everything drop, it'll be too hard to pick back up again.

How did the woman being interviewed answer the question about being persistent vs letting it go? She said she looks for the long game. The over all goal she will not give up on. A healthy relationship with her partner, even if it means a divorce. Writing that book, no matter how many years it takes. Getting her body healthy, maybe with many baby steps that will take a year or more to figure out. She looks at the long road ahead and figures out how to keep that goal there, be persistent about that, but set your expectations for a healthy way to get there.

In the meantime, I don't know if I will ever be able to do that. I struggle with the concept of accept yourself and challenge yourself. Is this all in girl someone I just accept or do I challenge her to knock it off? When things are so daunting, will I go into auto drive and not even realize it or will I ever be able to take a step back and realize I need to walk away from whatever "this" is?

There are so many times the all in girl serves me and the people I love very, very well. There are other times that it is so clear that too much is too much. If I were to ask myself, honestly, would I go back and do it all over again...just as I did the first time? Most of the time I answer a loud yes so for now, that is my answer. I just need to accept the truth of it all.

Comments

  1. misty wagner says:

    this sounds like a great episode.

  2. childhood says:

    Definitely was! These episodes for me help me to figure out the junk in my head.

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