My last

You will always and forever be my last firsts.
Because you, my sweet boy, you are my last baby.
My last, every milestone.
Every last of yours, will be a last of mine.
Because there was a day, that I fell in love with having two children.
Because on the day you were born, my heart grew to twice its size.
And I could physically feel it, just like I felt it happen to dad.
And you my monkey man, well you will forever and always be my only love at first sight.


And when I held you, when I hold you, the words you're my favorite little boy come pouring out of me.
You're my favorite son.
Because you made me realize how we all wear every emotion on us.
How we all walk around with really big feelings and how we all have trouble getting it all sorted out.
You reminded me why I fell in love with your dad, because joy spills out of you.
You reminded me what drives me crazy about all of us, but what makes us all so alike,
we all feel big.
You taught me that love is something you have to occasionally run from so you can run towards it at full speed.
You taught me that at times, childhood, it's no joke.
You are this amazing kid, the one that continues to teach me to never give up.
To fight for what you want out of life.
Because you, sweet little man, you fought your way through, and you are not going to stop until you get it just right.
You are my last.


Your smile, your eyes, your new - all remind me of dad.
Your soul, your love, your big feels - all remind me of me.
Your mind, your fierce fight and love for life, a perfect mix of us both.
And just like my body once again grew for you,
so did my heart.
You would not have it any other way. You were determined to make this world, this life love you from top to bottom.
You are my last.


And since you were determined to make a splash, to be noticed, you needed to be louder, bigger.
You needed to be different you wanted to stand out and make your own mark in this family.
Because with your first, you feel like you can conquer anything and everything.
And it's your second that humbles you.
It's your first going through toddlerhood and your second making their way that makes you realize, you are in this together.
You are building a team.
And although there are times we all feel torn down and defeated, we unite, together.
And that's another thing you taught me Cole.
That even at my most confident, I didn't have it all figured out and I will never have it all figured out.
But, we will make our way, together.
You are my last.


And here is your special part,
even though you do not remember this time...
you are the only child I will have that had all of us, the whole family, looking after you.
You got a sibling from the moment you were here.
You got her attention and her love
all just for you.
You are my last.

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And your firsts are still my lasts.
And you are going to carry that with you as I quietly mourn and loudly cheer you on.
You are taking me by the hand and showing me how to keep moving with you.
You lead our dance.
You are my last.
You lead our dance because you are my last firsts.


And letting go of you has always been and will continue to be hard.
Because you are the last one.
Letting go will always be hard.
But, like you continue to do, you lead to let me know how ready you are.
You are not going to be defined by my inability, you will be defined by your ability and your soul, your spirit.


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