6
Dec

Recordings

"Once it's recorded, you'll have it forever".

I've written for a very long time, never calling myself a writer because that feels like a heavy title that I do not live up to. But, I write. What once started as a way for me to get down what I was feeling, and needed to get out without saying it out loud, has turned into this, a way to record you. A way to remember. A way to keep what we shared forever.

Because there is so much that we have shared. So much we have already gone through. So much that we've already done. So much that I know I will forever remember, but will you? And for some crazy reason, I want you to know. I want you to know how wonderful and difficult it all was. I want you to know that it was a decision I did not take lightly but made me feel so much lighter. I want you to know that it was crazy hard. I want you to know that it made all of our relationships different, especially the one I shared with your dad. I want you to know that what was once the easiest relationship of my life turned into the hardest, but I would do it all over again. I would. And that means something, you meant something, this time together definitely meant something.

I want you to know that I really really liked being a mom, and I never ever thought I would. I want you to know that I really really liked being your mom. I want you to know that we tried, each and every day. I want you to know how often we failed and tried again. Tried and tried and tried again.

I want you to really know the good. I want you to remember the traditions. I want you to know that traditions are important and I want you to have some with your families. I want you to remember how special they were to us. I want you to remember how much they built our foundation. I want you to know that we loved you.

I want you to know that every day, "adults and parents grieve". They are grieving the old you that was yesterday and accepting the new you of today. Every day, you are changing before their eyes and for those that are noticing, it's really something. Magical, yes. Wonderful, sure. Exciting, of course. Sad and mournful, also true. And so, every day "adults and parents grieve."

So I record it all. I want to remember, I want you to remember, I want to have it forever and always. What started as a way for me to get my feelings out, has continued to be me getting it all out, just in a way that captures who you were, how it felt, who you're quickly becoming, and how we're all doing.

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