Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on balance.

Go.

I should not be in charge of this word.
I should not go near it, even touch it.
I get asked advice on it and I always say, I am the last person you should be talking to about this.
But maybe not.
Maybe the woman who learned the hard way how important balance is should be the one standing up for the word.
Maybe the woman who got so sick she needed to have a year of different should be the one talking about the importance of the word.
Maybe the woman who spent three months in despair should be the one carrying the torch for the word.
Maybe for all women, people, that lean into work, maybe we need to have a different conversation about this word.
Maybe it starts with me.

I love work.
Not just my job, my career, my business, but I love all of the work I do.
I love working.
I love being tired and productive.
I love that I am ambitious, I love that I have grit, I love that I am determined and I love that I keep going.
I love that I set goals, I love that I get after it, I love work.
I feel confident there, I feel like it makes sense to me.
There's a hum, there's a rythum and a dance and all of it feels so so good.
But I am a mom
and a bride
and a friend
and I run
and do yoga
and I work out a lot
and I run my house
and I love to cook dinner
and I love my kids
and I love my person
and I love to see my family.
So a mom that loves her family and loves her job has some explaining to do.
A mom that leans into work more than she does downtime needs to be a little more careful.
Because our balance starts out leaning, we are balanced when we are leaning into work.
We just are, and that is okay. Our balance starts out a little crooked.
It is when that balance starts getting interrupted that we get into a lot of trouble.
That is when it gets really hard and we can't fight our way out.
As much as we want to go back to our neutral, as much as we fight back into the natural lean we enjoy so much.
It is when the work becomes too much even for us and we just continue to do and do and do. Even if we feel we have taken on too much and we no longer can see a way out or what to give up.
We don't know how to drop any of the balls.
All of them become a priority so we just do more, we push harder, we double down, and we get hurt.
We end up sick and resentful or just plain crazy.
We end up feeling like we can't breathe, we hurt and we can't see a way out.

So yes, I do know about balance and its importance and its power and its meaning and its need.
I do know how much I need it in my life, how attracted I am to my opposites, to my balance.
I married my balance, I dedicated my life to the one person that is my compass, who makes sure I lean the right way.
And at every turn, I find myself continuously attracted to those that are not me, to those that seem to have it more figured out.
To those that I feel have a better grasp of priorities and can take life as it comes and are so naturally good at life.
Me, I make life harder than it has to be, I cannot be my own balance and again, I don't need to be.
I am the example of the importance of this word, I hold it very close now and know when I am in trouble.
I am the expert, just not the way most would think.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on done.
Go.

I try.
It's the best I can do.
No, it's the best thing about me.
I put one foot in front of the other and I keep going and trying and I use grit and determination and I get there.
I never look the prettiest.
I never look accomplished.
I never look like I belong.
I never finish first or top anything.
I struggle, but I keep trying.

And I am done with feeling bad about it.
I am done with hearing how I need to tweak something or change something or work harder on a different part.
I try my best and I get there and that makes me proud as hell of me.

I work for what I want.
I set my mind to it, I formulate a plan and I learn by making mistakes.
And I make a lot of them.
I make them as a mom, as a business owner, as a long-time CEO, as a friend, as a bride.
I make them over and over again.

And I am done pretending that I am the only one that has faults.
I am done with feeling like the world is sitting on my shoulders and I have to, should have, need to have
everything or anything figured out.
I tell my kids that everyone makes mistakes
all you have to do is take responsibility
apologize and learn so you don't do it again.
And it is time I start listening to myself.
Everyone makes mistakes, not just me, everyone.

I do a lot of research on me and others.
How to communicate
how to manage
how to be a better person to those in my life
how to connect better
how to make them feel better
how to make myself feel better.
What makes me run?
What makes me tick?
What makes me move?
What is frustrating for me?
What motivates me?

And I will never be done.
There is always new information to learn.
Always more information to gather.
And it does make us better people.
Not because of labels and putting things in boxes but because it illuminates who we are, who others are.
Because it helps us understand more
judge less
have more patience
set up better systems
be our best selves.

Anger comes easily to me.
Blue and lack of luster and joy.
Never calm and or at peace but always moving, nervous, my mind always going.
But there is too much beauty and joy for this to be all of life.
And I need a balance. I need to be surrounded by love and joy and calm and happy.
So I am done with misery for misery's sake.
I am done with those that look for reasons to be angry, just because.
I am done with having to be with those that cannot see color, everything is black and white.

It is my year of different and I have found ways to say yes, I accept as well as no, I am done.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on heal.
Go.

Up before the sun is, I sit and listen to the nothing.
Up before the chaos starts, I sit in the quiet of my day.
Up before the mothering begins, I sit in the moments that are just me.
Up before the work life balance shifts, I sit and heal.

I feel as though my life, like so many others, is a constant tornado of reactions and then reflections on how I could have,
how I should have,
handled that differently
started differently
responded with more gentle calm
and how I start to heal.

Several years ago, I met a person that melted my anger, did not allow me to walk away from joy and normal and without even knowing it,
showed me how to let go.
Not through always talking about it, but by living.
Because when you live in joy, you cannot hold on to anger and hate.
It all sort of washes away and you just start living life, for you.
He healed a part of me that I did not realize, until once again reflecting on it, that felt ill.
I didn't realize I was a tornado moving through my life at full speed, but not noticing the damage I was doing.

And today, as I reflect back on the past five, six, seven years,
as I hear from others who took a strong step back in their work
or their toxic relationships
or their lack of balance
as I hear "I was really good at this, but it meant I was also a bad mother and wife"
and it hits such a cord with me,
that I once again sit, look back on the tornado I created, reflect on what I could have
what I should have done differently.
How my time for change is now
and heal.

Stop.