Childhoodtake2!

So lovies, one amazing mama in our lives turned me on to this other amazing mama that focuses on being Simple. On purpose. It's what her lifestyle with her kids is called. Simple. On purpose. She makes clear and intentional decisions. She is intentional with her words, she connects with her kids, she is silly, she is a leader, she is a teacher, she is a mama.

My biggest lesson in following her....connection leads to cooperation. Cooperation does not mean following orders, do as you are told, or be complacent, or be seen not heard. Coorperation means we respect each other. It means we talk to one another like it matters.

If you want your kids to be on the same team, you have to connect with your kids. You have to make them feel a part of the team. You have to work at being a good parent. You have to see things at their level. Your job is to deescalate, your job is to bring them out of chaos. You have a job.

She focuses on team and calmness. She focuses on restearing and redirecting and getting them out of bad moods. Everyone deserves to be in a bad mood, and everyone deserves to have someone make them feel better about that. She lets them have a voice, she asks them to. She gives them a chance to explain and allows them to be people. She sets up structure and discipline and she allows them to feel heard. She gives them freedom, even if it is within boundaries. She lets them figure things out and she allows them to be wholesome, loving kids.

She lets them fight it out and figure it out. She lets them earn money by earning their keep. She sets up family rules, dynamics, functions. She makes them feel like they are all part of this family, so we all have a stake, and we all own this house, so we all have a stake.

She lets them be messy, she helps them figure out how to clean it up. They trust each other, you can see it. They lean on each other. They have connected.

She doesn't get exhausted by the whining, god do I get exhausted and immediately trigged by the whining. She doesn't get short tempered by the arguing, god I get so short tempered when they fight, she finds solutions, I just break it up and separate. She sets them up with routines, ones that work for them and their family, she is big on that.

She breaks it all down to being simple. Be a family. Be kind. Connect. Love. Trust. Talk. Get down to their level. Hug. Hold their hand. Smooch them. Fix their hair. Praise their effort. Laugh with them. Throw dance parties. Stop yelling, seriously, stop doing it. Know that you are the adult. You are the one dictating the course of their memories, their childhood. Take three deep breaths, start again. Start over. Teach them to apologize. Show them the way and then get out of the way. She makes it all seem so simple.

One day, I watched her no yell challenge and I listened to how she reacts instead. I took notes on the steps to take while observing your child.

Do they "always" do someone, or do they do it and you as the adult are so triggered it feels like all of the time?

Does the "thing" they do really last "forever"? Or, is it moments and if you stop fueling the fire it's even less time?

Is it really "all day everyday" or is there a moment that brings on a behavior and if you stopped the moment, the behavior would go away?

Have you really tried "everything" or have you tried the same thing over and over hoping that it brings about a different result?

I started with my Ferdinand. The one that gets a bad wrap around here. He doesn't always spill things, he does it once, maybe twice a day. He isn't always leaving his things everywhere, all of the time. He gets lost in playing and I don't give him enough warning to leave. He isn't always screaming, he's just excited and needs to be reminded we are all inside. But when you connect with this child...when you play with him, when you read with him, when you go on adventures with him...he is a puddle and the sun is beaming out of his heart. Connection, he is craving us.

I moved on to Bella. She isn't always on a screen, she loves to take walks with us. She isn't always complaining, she just needs reminders of what to be grateful for. She isn't always sitting, or eats just sugar, she needs to be reminded that her body is what allows her to feel good and strong and able. But when you connect with this child...when you set up a reading date, when you go for a family bike ride, when you allow her to talk and talk on a walk, when you let her get her puppy ready...she is a puddle and the sun is beaming out of her heart. Connection, she is craving us.

All of this is to say lovies, it is simple. We make it more complicated and harder than it needs. But, if there is one thing that 2020 has taught us well is that you can take everything away from us and we still need each other. It's all we have ever needed. A puppy pulling out outside for a walk. A little girl begging us to read with her. A little boy begging us to build. It's as simple as connection.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on search.

Go.

Some of us search for family, some search for freedom, some search for love, some search for homes, some search for fulfillment, some search for comfort, some search for dream jobs or homes, some search for companions, some search for meaning...all search for connection. A connection is one of the many ways we are all the same. Even for those of us who are introverts, even for those of us who need the quiet and the alone, all of us search for those to connect with, love on, smooch, laugh with, squeeze tight, and bring into our circle.

The need and desire to not feel lonely anymore. Because parenting, and couplehood, and adulting, and routines, and life can all be so lonely. And it is the connection, the true, the meaningful and deep connections that make us whole. Because the truth is, your person isn't enough. You can't expect to get it all from them. And your little faces grow and find their circle too. It is the connections that keep us sane, and laughing, and happy, remember happy?

Just last month, I watched my daughter meet up with a group of girls and I saw it unfold. I saw why she is so happy, I saw how much they hysterically laughed just by being in the same space. I saw it burst out of them. I see her recognize a friend she hadn't seen in a while and throw her arms around the person like they were long lost friends that haven't seen each other in years. And I see me. Who I have always been. The one that searches for connection and framily.

The search is one of the many things that makes us the same.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on steady.
Go.

I am not the steady one of the group.
I am not the rock.
That's your job.
You were my joy, my constant, my always and forever.
Still now, as the waves of life crash down on us and make us nauseous
you are steady.
You are the calm in our storm.
You are the one that keeps us steady.

The push and pull of life has me very unsteady these days.
The stress and worry has me shaking and unstable.
I am a tightly wound ball of nerves and balls are not steady, balls wobble, balls roll.
You are my steady.
You are my reminder that this too shall pass and more crazy will come.
You are my whisper of find us, we are here.
You are my fixer of all things, you are my steady.

And the attraction started because of your constant joy.
The natural joy that lived in you.
I didn't realize someone could feel that way, all of the time.
You were so thrilled to be.
Happy to be doing anything, as long as we were together.
Which is why dating me is still your favorite.
Which is why you look forward to just us two.

Kids knock you down.
Jobs, careers, business, they drag you through the mud.
Homes offer retreat and worry.
Life is full of the swinging back and forth
it is what makes life worth living.
And every person that gets lost in the whirl
every person that almost gets hurt from the spinning needs a steady rock.
A place to steady their thoughts.
A place to steady their mind.
A place to steady.
You, you are my steady.
You are my always and forever.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on connect.
Go.

People need people, and real connections.

We build bigger homes,
move to places where we have space,
and stop connecting with our neighbors.

We bring children to parks
and sit alone worried about who is looking, judging, not wanting to talk.

We are always on our phones,
pretending to connect, but really alone.

We work out,
alone.

We sit on computers, pretending that we are reaching out, but never really connecting.
And we lie to ourselves and say we are too busy
for people.

Because it is so much easier to judge and write hate then it is to look someone in the eye and say what we are confident in saying across a screen.

We have all lost our connection
to our communities, to each other, and even to those we love, our families.

And, for those that feel we need to all take better care of each other,
our message needs to be louder.
We need to reach across the table and say to a fellow parent,
I have been there too, I understand and you can talk to me, without judgments.
We need to tell our co-workers,
what can I do to help you?
We need to invite our neighbors over for coffee, find out what we can do to help each other out more, call on each other more.
We need to connect.

Because once you have someone in front of you, hatred and hateful words are more difficult.
Because once you are in the presence of people, it's harder to feel alone and isolated.
Because once we all start speaking our truth, it's harder to judge anyone else.
As people, we are all in this together.
We are all trying to figure out a way to survive and make this life worth living for all.
And the only way to stop hate is to connect on a loving level.

So many of my friends have reached across the divide and are starting to open their homes, their lives to connection.
So many of my friends are realizing that too many of us feel isolated and alone, even when in large groups.
So many of my friends are realizing that many are faking their busy so not to show how alone they really are.
And so they have made an effort to say enough, my home, my friendship and I am open to you.

People need people and true connections.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on crave.
Go.

When I was pregnant with you Anna, the biggest craving that I had was for egg...scrambled to be specific.
Seven years later, I not only hold on to that memory and laugh at how much I ate, but I still could fall face first into a plate of scrambled eggs and eat my way out.
With you Cole, nothing specific, just food and as much of it as I could get.
I remember second breakfast, second lunch.
I remember not being able to make it from home to office without stopping for food, feeling if I didn't the starvation would end me.
And you came out just the same.
Hungry, all of the time.
Wanting anything, everything, food is your pleasure and without it, you crumble.

As the years went by, and motherhood set it, so did loneliness.
Because raising tiny humans is hard, and loud and isolating.
In a world where we all feel connected through a screen, we are forgetting that genuine connection keeps you sane.
And so, there was a different craving.
One for community, connection, friendship, and framily.
Because my connections were all over but not a single one was close by and not a single one could I hug when I needed to.
I needed to find my circle, I needed to find someone I could tell my all, and I needed to open my family up to others.

The craving, it wouldn't go away, because as the loneliness started to take over, the days were deafening.
Everywhere I turned, I felt that others had someone.
Everywhere I turned, I felt like I didn't belong here or there.
My circle wasn't complete, I needed more than the four walls we built,
my craving was getting stronger.

Until one day, it all clicked again.
And this tired mom of two
the one pushing 40
the one who is so hurtful to herself and too harsh
found a friend.
And like a child, my heart actually sang.
Just yesterday, we were talking about how many of us have this craving but are so isolated.
She decided to do something about it and open up her home and introduce people to one another.
Because family needs framily
to be reminded of the silly and the crazy.
To be genuine and authentic.
To show the real you, the one that is still in pjs at 3pm.
The one that doesn't ever do her hair unless she has to.
The one that would live in workout clothes.
The one that feels that yoga pants are "one step below black tie".
The one that gets angry with her kids.
The one that shows the good, bad and ugly of parenting because nothing is perfect.
The one without makeup covering anything up.
Cravings are intense, they make you get up out of bed at 3am to find that thing you desperately want.
They make you keep going until you find exactly what you desire.

Stop.

"I will no longer put what is urgent in front of what is important."

I will no longer say no to playing with you.
I will no longer not snuggle for as long as you need me to stay.
I will no longer not hold you a little longer, squeeze a little tighter.
I will no longer put my demands, my everyday lists, in front of you.
I will no longer miss the important.

I will take pictures of you, of us.
I will look back fondly, on memories and remember my presence.
I will remember that day, because I was a part of it.
I will put down my phone and my fake connections, for the real of family.
I will no longer miss the important.

I will watch you climb on that bus, each time I can.
Because I want to remember your face, your voice, for the start of your day.
I will walk you into your building, hand in hand,
because I want to remember what it feels like to have little in my life.
I will hear all about your day, your ups and downs,
so you will continue to talk, knowing I will listen.
I will no longer miss the important.

I will watch silently as you all unfold.
I will be your base.
You will remember my love, my being here.
You will remember me, your mom.
You will remember bike rides
and family swims
and runs, just us.
You will remember that time I took you to get your nails painted.
You will remember grocery shopping and being my helper.
You will remember the special we create in ordinary.
I will no longer miss the important.

I will be outside with you.
I will read, all of the books.
I will tickle more.
I will chase more.
I will join in all of your fun.
I will no longer miss the important.

Because in case I do not show you enough,
you are the important and the urgent can wait.