Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on darkness.
It's starting to get really dark really early in NY now. As much as I find comfort and peace in the dark, a still quiet, even I get a little over a 4:30 sunset. But, regardless, the darkness has settled in. The sun comes up much later and sets much too early, so most of the day is without light.
I too am surrounded in a cloud of dark right now, and once again, I am reaching my darkest hour. Things are unraveling quickly, my patience could not be thinner, my ability to care about all of the details all of the time, that too is thinning. I am less kind, I am more hostile, I am tired, I snap, there is a lot of crying, there is a lot of what ifs, there is a lot of pressure and there is a feeling of a foot constantly on my chest. I am struggling to find my actual breath, the one I go to my mat for. Even there, the thoughts race and my breath is too heavy, I am too heavy right now.
And so, I have to start my climb back up. I have to find my way out and remember that everything is temporary and I am so close to the end of my year and leaving a 20-year career is freaking hard, and there are a lot of feelings that have to be processed, and people around me have a lot of feelings to process, and goodbye will be rough on only me. But, this was my decision. I asked to go. And, most importantly, what someone told me months ago...Sabrina, you're a good person. Regardless if you are running a nonprofit for kids or not, you are a good person.
I will light my candles. I will make sure my Christmas tree is on. I will watch the twinkle of the lights. I will work by a little light next to my office space, I will embrace these dark hours and know that I will find myself again.
It's always darkest before the dawn isn't it?