11
Apr

Five Minute Friday - patient

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on patient.

Go.

It can mean to tolerate the passing of time and wait for the right moment.

It can mean you are ill and waiting for medical advice.

It can be what we're all trying to be and trying not to be in this moment.

It can be rough right now, no matter the meaning.

At at time when the grownups are trying to be grownups, in our house, it's the kiddos that are doing the best with this. Finding ways to pass the time, yes bored, yes too much on screens, yes, at times the bored silly makes my cringe, but all in all, they are just waiting, patiently waiting.

At a time when we are all holding our breath trying to see into the future and get answers, all we can do, all we are being asked to do is wait. Patiently wait. There will of course be an end, but we're not there yet. So, wait it out, hold on, just stay put.

At a time when I start to think we're getting closer to the end, news hits of someone else who is sick and it brings me right back to the seriousness of this. How devastating and scary it can be. How for some, it feels like a bad few days, for others, well, for others it's been really bad. Others are being patient, waiting for it to pass in a different way and just cannot wait to only be home-bound.

At a time when all we have control over is time. Time is ours now, we finally have a little more control, even though we lost so much control. All the things we put off because "we just don't have the time" now we do. So I guess we will find out what is really important to us.

To tolerate the passing of time. To be in medical need. To be patient.

Stop.

3
Apr

Five Minute Friday - now

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on now.

Go.

I was talking to a friend about how we all have been giving it all that we're got for years. We all push ourselves for tomorrow, next week, next month, next vacation, next weekend, next year. We all push and push. We all take on too much. We all do. We all keep going.

But now, it all stopped. Now, the world got really quiet. Now, this is all we have. We have right now. So, what can we do with it? What can we make of it? How can we survive it?

There are those that will still only think of tomorrow because how can you not? How can we not worry about what is all going to keep coming at us?

There are those that go through the roller-coaster of emotions, being fine, being good, being heartbroken, being worried, being insane, being hard on ourselves, being grateful.

But, if you can, as an entire community, we will never ever have an opportunity to sit in today, be here and now.

So now, I'm trying to keep some amount of normalcy.

Now, I am sleeping in a lot more.

Now, I have loosened my grip on my lists.

Now, I have loosened my grip all together.

Now, I'm taking a ton of walks.

Now, I miss my framily.

Now, I am finding ways to stay connected to those I love.

Now, I get to watch you learn, like I did your very first year of life.

Now, real family comes together. Real family offers support and love. Real family reaches out. Real family shows up.

Now, I go to bed later, now, the exhaustion is different.

Now, my brain is starting to get clearer, things are less fuzzy.

Now, anxiety comes in waves so I have to practice not thinking too far ahead.

Now, I find humor.

Now, I listen to a lot of chewing, a lot of gulping, a lot of talking, a lot and lot and lot of talking!

Now, I light a lot more candles.

Now, our house is messy and weird.

Now, we watch so much TV I freaking love it!

Now, the puppy is in heaven.

Now, the kids really turn to our traditions, to find their own normalcy.

Now, I get to watch in real life the sentence "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" come to life.

Stop.

27
Mar

Five Minute Friday - adjust

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on adjust.
Go.

So, we're all doing it, adjusting, but how are we all doing?

It's a new normal, but does any of it feel normal?

We're trying to find the good and decent in this. We're trying to stay strong, positive, supportive, loving, kind, but we keep having to pivot and realign.

We're adding homeschool teacher to our resumes.

We're finding ways to all live and work and play and settle into our homes.

We're finding ways to help support small businesses and nonprofits and still keep each other safe and protected.

We're finding things to do and new ways to be.

We're walking more, our pets are in heaven.

We're eating together.

We're less addicted to schedules and have tos, there is nothing that is more important than the world we created.

We're connecting through technology.

We're laughing at how we're all dealing, we're laughing and that says a lot.

We're showing up for each other.

We miss each other.

We are slowing down.

We're sleeping in.

Jammies are the new black.

Rum and wine have become my love language.

We're still working out because our gyms are incredible!

We're talking, a lot. The kids are nonstop chatter, they cannot get enough of us and really show off during video calls.

We're also worried. We're worried about the other side of it, who will be ok, who we will lose (in more ways than one).

We might be losing sleep at times.

We're learning a lot from the experts that are on the ground researching this and pouring their lives into solving this for us.

We're ordering in, weekly.

At times like these, what I see are that people, good people adjusting and showing up. People are remembering what is important. People, good people adjusting and making the right things a priority. People, good people adjusting their lives to find normalcy and calm in the middle of the biggest storm the world has ever faced.

Stay strong, keep doing what we're doing, stay in, stay home, wash up, love always.

Stop.

20
Mar

Five Minute Friday - tomorrow

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on tomorrow.
Go.

It all changed in what feels like a heartbeat, one minute listening to how others are being affected and the next, it's at our doorstep. Yesterday normal, today is more chaos, what will tomorrow now bring?

As all of this changes, minute by minute, it gets a little more worrisome, a little more dangerous, a little crazier. So, all we have to keep doing is breathing, stay home, rest up, and support everyone from afar.

So today, my elderly parents came and visited with us standing inside our house, and them outside - talking through a window. Tomorrow, they might not be able to.

Today, we are trying to support local restaurants by participating in "take out week" tomorrow that might not be able to happen.

Today, I am going to make a normal weekly grocery list and go for a normal grocery run tomorrow morning, who knows if that will be taken away too.

Today, we are visiting with friends via computers and video calls, maybe soon we can all join together again and hug each other like it has been years, because that is what it will feel like.

Today we will stay snuggled with our little family and continue to take our puppy for walks and runs and keep the kids learning and slowing down, and watch all the movies and catch up on house projects and love each other.

Tomorrow, loving each other will not change, it cannot. It's all we have left.

Stop.

16
Mar

Five Minute Friday - less

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on less.
Go.

We are about to really understand what this word means. We are about to find out how wonderful it can feel to have to slow down. We are about to see just how little we actually need, how much less we can live with. How much less we can be doing, how much less it takes to be happy. We're about to find out the real meaning of the word.

So, as we try and stay safe, healthy, and do less running around, less driving, fewer group activities, less of all that we normally do each and every single day, remember all we can do.

Like take some walks and go for runs and be with our little families and create real mealtimes together, and talk, and read, and play games, and ride bikes, and play with our dogs, and take some pictures, and create some family movie nights on a Tuesday, and leisurely sip our coffee. As a friend of mine posted today, nature is still open.

This might be one of those times that we look back and remember how scary this was. We might also remember how cozy it felt to be together and being forced to not go anywhere. We might also remember how less always means more.

I fully understand that there are so many that do not have this opportunity and this retreat will be devastating. Remember that we have to take care of each other, be safe and be loving. Do more by doing less.

Stop.

21
Feb

Five Minute Friday - risk

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on risk.

Walking down that aisle, I took a risk that never felt like one.

Deciding we were trying for that little blue line was the biggest risk we ever took, but we did it anyway.

Leading BBBSCR was risky, I was so green, they had more faith in me than I ever had, but I threw myself into it and did it.

Leaving it all behind, starting new and on my own, yeah, it was and is really risky, but here we are.

Even the things I plan and calculate, even things I try to eliminate the potential for risk from, they all come with risk attached. It's just embedded in all that we do. Getting out of bed each day means you are willing to risk it all and try for this day. Even if the day ebbs and flows with what you think is the "normal and boring every day". It's not, there are risks in all that we do. And I for one, am petrified of risks, but here we are...married, mortgage, kids we are responsible for, and running a company while managing a life.

So, listen to the woman who is always scared when she says, you can plan for it. You can have life-insurance and wills and insurance, and succession plans and backup plans and emergency funds and attrition funds. You can try to drive walk in the dark in groups and keep your doors locked and drive safe. You can walk looking both ways, you can hold hands when you cross the street, you can try to make calculated plans. You can create your lists and tell the world what you want to be done "in case". You can plan for the "in case". And don't get me wrong, it will help, but it won't eliminate the risk.

Because it's kind of how you know you're actually living. You fall in love and it may or may not work. You have kids and all plans go out the window because it all changes. You can invest in a home and anything can happen, go wrong and by the way, there is always something to do or something that's going wrong. You can take really good care of your body and be healthy but still be injured. And even from this terrified fool, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love you dad, I believe in him, I believe in us. I am his biggest fan and no matter what happens tomorrow, I can't change that. I adore that he pushed me to have you, I cannot get enough of my second chance at childhood. I love protecting it and as hard as it is to let you go, I do love seeing what you do with who you are each day. I heart our home and the calm it brings me when I walk in. This is my haven and I love how each corner of it is us.

I'm proud of the chances we took and all the risks that came with them.

Stop.


20
Jan

Five Minute Friday - sacrifice

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on sacrifice.

Go.

Wouldn't you know I have been thinking a lot about this word. All that we as people give up, sacrifice, all that we choose is important and all that we decide is no longer important. As mothers, women, workers, friends, parents, people, children, framily members, family members, we make sacrifices for those we love and what we love every day all day. We give up a lot for the other.

We sacrifice sleep for work, or a run, or quiet time with no one up, or the beauty of a sunrise, or sex, or a late-night talk, or worry. We sacrifice sex for sleep, or closeness, or comfort. We sacrifice our families for our jobs, our jobs for our families, our ambition for a different life. We sacrifice love for achievement and heartache for an easy route. We sacrifice our health for an easier way and we sacrifice the easy way for our health. We sacrifice our careers for family, and little, and protection and building something different.

We sacrifice our mentality for a year, we tell ourselves we can do anything for a year, and we sacrifice it all to get to some goal we created. Because we decided. We sacrifice walking away because we love and we just can't. And we know all along, we are putting something aside and making this other thing our priority.

Stop.

20
Dec

Five Minute Friday - birth

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on birth.

And here we are again...when the word of the week directly speaks to me. I have been thinking so much about both of your births these past few weeks. I have a potential client that does home births, and I have been sharing your birth story, and I even was talking to dad about both of your stories. And then, this week, here's the word.

Anna, it all started with you and your incredible story. How you made your way to us, how scared I was in the room, how much scarier it got when we had to have surgery, your dad's face that I will never forget as he walked into the O.R. and we immediately switched personalities...he was emotional and worried, I was calm and confident. He was watching his whole world on a table, hanging in the balance of a doctor we barely knew, I was sure it would be great, and begged him to be with you..."there will be a team working on me, don't leave her side, be there for our daughter lovey, I'm going to be okay, it's all going to be okay." And it was. Sweetie, you came into this world at your own time, in your own way and even though there was what could have been chaos and mayhem, it, like you, was very calm. It, like you, had a silent presence, energy and actual force you could feel. And, again, you spoke to me...mom, it's all going to be okay, I'm supposed to come out this way, so just close your eyes and get some rest, I'll see you soon.

Cole, yours was exactly you. Even though it was supposed to be surrounded by the calm of knowing what was to come, well, it wasn't. Something went wrong every step of the way, just little things. You, my little monkey, needed to set your mark from the beginning. You were always telling me how different you would be and get ready mom, your life is about to get loud and crazy, and lots of energy coming your way. And then, all eyes were on you and people were immediately drawn. People fought over changing you, holding you, damn, you immediately won hearts. Your dad, this time, was ready. He knew what was to come. He was just waiting.

Lovies, your dad, he couldn't wait to meet you both. I so wish you could have seen him BEFORE he had you because it was so special and you would instantly know how loved you are. He is the reason you are here because watching him talk about you like you were already here, I just couldn't deny him this. I couldn't take this from him, he was made to be your dad, and he wrote this chapter for us.

Your birth, it was exactly how both of you were to come. One, slow, quiet, methodical. The other, crazy, loud, eyes wide open. Your lives, they are being played out exactly as they should be. Exactly as you, we, the universe is writing them out.

Thank you for finding us loves. Thank you for making this happen. Thank you for being the reason I believe in happily ever after and love at first sight. Thank you for making me a believer in magic and making me kinder and slower and more thoughtful. Thank you for giving dad this chapter that he so desperately wanted. Thank you for making me want it too and thank you for making our lives a page-turner.

Thanks for being born.

Stop.


13
Dec

Five Minute Friday - darkness

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on darkness.
Go.

It's starting to get really dark really early in NY now. As much as I find comfort and peace in the dark, a still quiet, even I get a little over a 4:30 sunset. But, regardless, the darkness has settled in. The sun comes up much later and sets much too early, so most of the day is without light.

I too am surrounded in a cloud of dark right now, and once again, I am reaching my darkest hour. Things are unraveling quickly, my patience could not be thinner, my ability to care about all of the details all of the time, that too is thinning. I am less kind, I am more hostile, I am tired, I snap, there is a lot of crying, there is a lot of what ifs, there is a lot of pressure and there is a feeling of a foot constantly on my chest. I am struggling to find my actual breath, the one I go to my mat for. Even there, the thoughts race and my breath is too heavy, I am too heavy right now.

And so, I have to start my climb back up. I have to find my way out and remember that everything is temporary and I am so close to the end of my year and leaving a 20-year career is freaking hard, and there are a lot of feelings that have to be processed, and people around me have a lot of feelings to process, and goodbye will be rough on only me. But, this was my decision. I asked to go. And, most importantly, what someone told me months ago...Sabrina, you're a good person. Regardless if you are running a nonprofit for kids or not, you are a good person.

I will light my candles. I will make sure my Christmas tree is on. I will watch the twinkle of the lights. I will work by a little light next to my office space, I will embrace these dark hours and know that I will find myself again.

It's always darkest before the dawn isn't it?

Stop.

1
Nov

Five Minute Friday - last

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on last.

Go.

It's my last two months of a 20-year career. It's my last chance to turn around and take it all back and tell them I just want to stay because I love my job. Because I love my work. Because I love what I do. Because, despite how I feel and how I am being made to feel, I am good at this. I belonged here. This was my home and as much as I sacrificed and did for them, this job made me.

It's my last two months of not having to depend on my business for my living. It's my last chance to say we can't do this after all, I don't know what we were thinking but I was wrong and I'm sorry and I take it all back. Because it's my last two months of being secure and now it's all me.

It's my last two months of holding down both jobs, doing two really big things at the same exact time while still trying to be a decent mom, bride, friend, person...and still hold on to who I am.

It's my last two months to dream and really think and plan out what I want it all to look like now. What I am going to spend my energy on, what I am going to eliminate. What I am going to have to walk away from. What I am going to be able to fully embrace.

It's my last two months and I am having a lot of feelings. I am on this roller-coaster of emotions and there has been a lot of crying, a lot of overthinking, a lot of should haves, a lot of fear, a lot of lasts. My lasts.

Stop.

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