Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on steady.
Go.

I am not the steady one of the group.
I am not the rock.
That's your job.
You were my joy, my constant, my always and forever.
Still now, as the waves of life crash down on us and make us nauseous
you are steady.
You are the calm in our storm.
You are the one that keeps us steady.

The push and pull of life has me very unsteady these days.
The stress and worry has me shaking and unstable.
I am a tightly wound ball of nerves and balls are not steady, balls wobble, balls roll.
You are my steady.
You are my reminder that this too shall pass and more crazy will come.
You are my whisper of find us, we are here.
You are my fixer of all things, you are my steady.

And the attraction started because of your constant joy.
The natural joy that lived in you.
I didn't realize someone could feel that way, all of the time.
You were so thrilled to be.
Happy to be doing anything, as long as we were together.
Which is why dating me is still your favorite.
Which is why you look forward to just us two.

Kids knock you down.
Jobs, careers, business, they drag you through the mud.
Homes offer retreat and worry.
Life is full of the swinging back and forth
it is what makes life worth living.
And every person that gets lost in the whirl
every person that almost gets hurt from the spinning needs a steady rock.
A place to steady their thoughts.
A place to steady their mind.
A place to steady.
You, you are my steady.
You are my always and forever.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on worth.
Go.

I find myself asking, is it worth it a lot these days.
The arguments to keep her healthy
the arguments to make them good people
the arguments to remind those I live with of love
the struggles at work
the struggles I am enduring for my business
the races I work hard for, even though my time doesn't change
the time I put into all that I do
is any of it worth my time
energy
effort
worry.

What stands out as worth it?
What do I not question?
It always comes back to the quiet with you guys.
The Friday nights on the couch
when I should be finishing up work
it is always worth it to be with you.
The endless book dates when I should be doing anything else
is always worth it.
The bikes rides, the runs we take,
they are all worth it.

Because side by side
and moments of quiet love remind all of us what is important.
They remind us of the why we put in the work and they remind us how of effortless the work is.

They remind me, that it is always worth my time
because everything else is a distraction.
You, this, now, it is worth it.
Your smiles, your arms around me, slowing down, it is all worth it.

I won't be distracted by life
I won't be consumed by have tos
I won't be made to feel guilty for putting on my mask first.
Because I am building.
A life, a family, love.
It's easiest to love you and always and forever worth it.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on friend.
Go.

There are people you meet that come and go.
There are others that stay, others that make an impression,
the ones that touch your heart.

There are people that come into your life at the wrong time,
the timing is off and you cannot get along.
There are others that heard your need for them and arrived.

There are people who create circles that they call framily.
They are a part of your village, your tribe.
The ones that you can tell all your crazy to,
the ones that accept your crazy
laugh with you at your crazy
call you out on your crazy
tell you to wear that as a badge of honor.
There are people who become framily.

I was always lucky in friendship.
I always found a tight close circle
the ones I can count on
the ones that could count of me
the ones I could have fun with
the ones I could laugh at everything with
the ones that would hold my hand when it all crumbled.
I always found framily.

And the ones that owned my heart, were never after anything but a true connection.
As I got older, and kids were exhausting and my framily started to move away, there was a period when I just found myself, alone.
Unable to find that circle again and laugh again.
Always guarded.
Until luck found me again, and our circle grew again, and love found its way in, again.

This is the one place in my life I have led by example,
this is the one thing I do right...framily.
So follow me little faces.
See who I surround myself with, who I keep at an arms length.
See why.
See how I treat those that become a part of us
see how they treat us.
See the smile on our faces when we see each other
see the joy when we are around each other.
And find that.
Find genuine
find comfort
find talking until you can't stop
find silence
find good
find laughter
find real
find true
find love
don't stop until you find framily.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on BREATHE.
Go.

About two years ago, I started doing yoga.
Not as a work out routine, but as a practice.
And I learned to breathe.
I learned to pay close attention to how I breathe,
and to have my breath and movement be one.
I learned that my body can be uncomfortable, but not in pain.
I learned to push myself out of my comfort,
to trust in me,
to trust in my body,
even though it has let me down in the past
even though it fails me
even though a disease takes my body and movement from me
I learned to trust in that very body
because my breath would move me
my breath would make me strong
I learned to breathe.

I learned to close my eyes
to trust in time
I learned to let go of control but gain it back
I learned about me and what I am made of
I learned that I am capable
because I learned to breathe.

I learned, once again to redefine beauty.
Because I am not graceful
I do not look right
my body doesn't align and therefore everything looks wrong.
But, I have grace and patience, even with not being graceful.
And I have courage and love, even if it looks wrong.
Because I learned to breathe.

I learned in my practice that life is a lot like this.
That life makes you uncomfortable, but you can use your breath to guide you
you can use your breath to stop fighting yourself.
I learned that when life turns you upside down, you should go with it
I learned that in life, you should always breathe.

And although something each of us does naturally seems so silly to practice, the truth is
most of us spend our days holding our breath.
Most of us spend our time tense and tight and clinched.
Most of us spend our days tied to a list.
Most of us forget that we are capable of so much more.
Most of us forget to deeply, and with intention and purpose,
to breathe.

Yoga for me became a transformation of me.
A time for me to fall in love with me again
a time for me to accept my limitations and what my body is capable of and not
a time to remember that life has purpose and meaning
and it is not to cross off a to do
life has beauty and there is rhythm
and there is space when you make it
to breathe.

Because when I finally found my breath again
I found purpose
I found trust in me
I found love of me
I found me
every time I breathe.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on weary.
Go.

Has it really been six months since you've been in all of this pain?
Yes, it started in April, so really close to eight months.
And now tell me about this appointment, this test, what's happening with this doctor?
Lists and lists and lists of all I have been through.
But you still ran a triathlon?
Well, when I found out that the pain wasn't structural, I thought, I have to push through this.
Are you really starting to work at 5?
Yes, I am so overwhelmed and it's all I can think to do.
You know that's probably adding to it right?
I do.
And how are you doing? You know, emotionally?
I am exhausted.

It's a new normal I guess.
When you're so tired, you can't even say it anymore.
When your body is so drained.
The push and pull of life.
When you know the only thing you should do is shut everything down and take care of just you.
But, the to do lists crush you.
Every time you close your eyes, it's all you see.
All you have left to do.
And you tell yourself, just get through this week, this month, this time.
Just a little while longer.
Until you can no longer recognize the way your life should be.

Until my weary body and mind are no longer making sense of it all.
Until my weary heart is in actual pain, on the brink of tears.
Until I can no longer process, think critically.
Until you are putting them on the back burner to fit it all in.
Until you hear yourself saying all too often, god I missed you today.
Something has to give, something has to change.
I will pick up this weary body,
I will not be defined by busy.
I will shake off the nonsense,
the noise,
the chaos.

Because I will be defined by the moments that matter.
I will be defined by love and gentle and the fact that I was and am a good mom.
I was and am a caring friend.
Not by my weary body, not by my cluttered mind.
I will reawaken, it will all be different.

Stop.