It's hard

It's hard, getting older.
Your body giving up on you way before it should.
Telling you to slow down,
no, actually stop!
Stop doing everything you are doing and find another way.
Stop all that keeps you sane and healthy and feeling connected and balanced.
And the pain isn't letting up.
From the top of my head down to my toes, it's screaming at me to stop.
And so, I am listening, I have stopped, but I am in a fog.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I don't know how to not run, how to not push myself.
It's just hard.

It's hard, to stay connected.
When all of your friends, your outlets, live all over this world and it's so hard to stay in touch.
It's hard to not have a constant night together, to find each other, keep each other sane, to laugh, together.
It's hard to watch them living their amazing lives, knowing that you were once a part of this world with them,
now you get to watch it unfold from the sidelines.
I ache for them, because an introverted mother needs connections.
It's just hard.

It's hard to make new friends.
When you are closer to 40 than 30.
When you realize that what you need is connection,
not just small talk, not just acquaintances, but real life friends.
People who know your story,
know your journey,
understand you,
really get you,
get why you're down,
just get it all.
It's just hard.

It's hard to parent to tiny humans.
To keep them loving, to keep loving them.
To remember your job is to raise them to be independent, good people.
When they are loud,
when they are grumpy,
when they are storming,
when they battle,
when the stubborn comes out,
when the anger spills over,
when your patience is gone,
when your yelling becomes the norm.
It's just hard.

It's hard to be a mom, who is sensitive to noise, with just a touch of OCD.
When your house is a mess.
When your husband is swamped with a million projects.
When you feel like nothing will ever be done, ever.
When everything is loud, and terribly messy,
and your life if spiraling out of control.
When you're trying to find your calm.
Your quiet.
When you need something to feel balanced in your life, and some sort of order.
And instead, all that use to make you feel normal,
time together
it's all gone.
It's just hard.

It's hard to always #FocusOnTheGood.
Isn't it?
To look at every moment as special, and find your joy at every turn.
But when it's the most difficult is when you have to do it even more.
It's when I have to dig deep and find my smile and realize they look to me to find their day.
Focus on all that you love.
It's time to stop playing my own victim.
It's time to find me again,
my strength,

#FocusOnTheGood to find your way out of the dark.
Next week, I will sign up for adult swimming lessons while my body heals.
From what? I don't know, but all that is wrong with it.
I will learn to swim, something I could never do.
I will learn to breathe and strokes, and I will learn how to get strong and more confident in the water and by the fall of 2016, I will do a triathlon, and why not? #RunMomRun!

#FocusOnTheGood to find your way out of the dark.
I am going to make some time for friends this summer.
I will try to find a local network of people, I love hearing the story of others, I love sitting and listening to them trace their journey. I will use my love of listening to find my connections.

#FocusOnTheGood to find your way out of the dark.
This summer, we are done with the major part of our construction which means that we will have more time.
For walks
This summer is not going to pass us by.
We will not just survive it, we will love it and be remember it for the good.

#FocusOnTheGood to find your way out of the dark.
I will connect with my partner more.
I will blame less.
I will hold his hand.
I will tell him what he means to us.
I will remind him how much he is doing for us, how he is building our home, our life and our memories.
I will remind him that we can build a house, but our kids, our family, we make it home.
I will remind him he is our hero.
I will remind him how he is their favorite and how much they love and adore him.
I will remind him that I love and adore him.

And I will realize that sometimes, life is hard.
Sometimes there is more work involved than there is joy.
And once I ride out the blue, the real me will once again emerge and she will

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