Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on where.

Go.

It's my year of change and that means a different direction and embracing all the change that has to come my way. That means being comfortable with them getting older. That means, for the first time in 40 years, being comfortable in my own skin. That means leaving something I spent 19 years building to someone else. That means stepping into something that is terrifying and changing how I see my future. That means changing how I am viewing my year of change and changing what I say about it. That means changing, period and end of story changing.

So where am I going? Where am I headed and what direction is this life about to take me? Where do I want to be at the end of this year? Where do I want to say I have been? Where do I want to spend my time and my focus? Where do I want to say I belong? Where do I go when things feel overwhelming? Where do I go when I feel lost and too scared to make it one foot in front of the other? Where do I soak my tired bones? Where do I feel safe? Where do I focus my attention, where do I want to be?

When change feels not only frightening but actually devastating, these are questions you shy away from. They are questions you don't want to answer because you just want things to stay the same. You want the comfort, you want the protection. But, kids get older too. Life moves on regardless of if you are on board. Change is our constant, like it or not. When you force yourself to look in the mirror, these are questions I had to answer. And so I did. I sat myself down and said I can't hold on to motherhood in the first year of parenting when you have a 6 and 9-year-old. They have grown and changed and you have to too. You can't hold on to a 19-year-old plan because it is time for fresh eyes. Where I am headed has to be different and I have to be not only ready, I have to want this. I have to tell the universe that I want it and I have to listen to it telling me not to force it.

Where I want to be at the end of this year is not where I am, change is coming my way.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on free.
Go.

I was 17 when I left, promising to never return.
I remember those first few months on my own and the freedom that I felt.
Making my own decisions, figuring it all out.
It was a freedom that made me smile.
But what I didn't realize is how asleep I still was.
What I didn't realize is how much I was chaining myself to my past.

And then, I let go.
And that's when I woke up to freedom.
Free to laugh like a kid.
Free to not blame, me or them.
Free to no longer hate, worry, plan my life around them.
Fight against them, fight all day.
Free to forgive, free to understand.
Free to create a family, make my own choices.
Free to create a second childhood, a new beginning.
Free to love all of them.
There came a time when I realized that I had to forgive with no apology.
I had no other choice but to move forward and not commit the same mistakes of my past.
A time when you realize that coping skills are vital to raising kids.
A time when I stopped running, I stopped looking over my shoulder.
There came a time I let go, I woke up, and I took off the chains I was using.
A time I became free.

Stop.