Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on empty.

Go.

It's how the introverted mother ends her day.
It's how I feel at the hours you need me the most.
Which is unfortunate because when a person has nothing left to give there is no longer beauty.
There is only ugly words and feelings and everything is harsh.
When I am empty, I am without compassion
I am no longer loving
I cannot be kind.
Because continuing to run on empty cannot be sustained, something has to give.

And it's not you, it's me.
It's my too busy
it's my too many things
and it's my responsibility to find what fills.

And so, I started on my path to remember what fills me full
like the end of our day
like together
like our traditions
like our snuggles
like framily time
like dance parties
like when you whisper to me from your dreams
like my runs
and my breathing
like the love we all have.

The moments that empty, they will always be there.
Life is daunting
and tiring
but it doesn't always have to be so hard.
Hard is what I do best and it's time for me to find a new talent.
Because I want more in my life.
More of the things that fill my heart
like laughter
and hugs
and you
and us
and time.

Because I want more out of my life than moments that deplete.
I no longer want to pick just the things that take away.
I no longer want to live an empty life full of lists and accomplishments.
I no longer want to live an empty life full of busy but nothing real gets done.
I want more in my life than emptiness.

Stop.

It's easy to get wrapped up in the negative.
It's easy to focus on the hard.
It's easy to remember all of the struggles.
It's easy to hold on to pain
to loss
to confusion
to noise.

2015 was not our best year yet, but this time, I will #FocusOnTheGood
and all I am grateful for like...
Them.
Cole started preschool and is amazing!
His teachers adore his kindness and calm...COLE!!
Anna started first grade and her teacher can't get over how big of a heart she has.
"Always kind and helpful to her friends, always polite, a really good friend"...that's my girl!
Anna falls in love with reading again and again and is just so smart!
Cole is learning his alphabet and numbers and is just so smart!
We realized this year we were hurting our kids' hearts by the way we were parenting and so we changed.
We changed.
We grew.
We realized how much it wasn't working and we did something about it.
And, in a few short months, change is happening in them.
We are getting them back.
My kids are coming back to me.
And I feel whole again.
We learned, from them.
We got a second chance, from them.
Both want us to be proud of them, and we are.
Both want us to love them, and we do.

Her.
Mia stayed one more year.
One entire year full of memories, time together, night time snuggles.
Her hearing is a little less.
Her mobility is a little less.
Her sight is a little less.
Her patience is a little less.
But Mia is still here.
Will all of her heart.
All of her love,
and lots of days filled with puppy kisses and running around.
Mia is still with us.

The house.
The addition and renovations are almost behind us.
My house started to become mine again and for an introvert, that means I could find my sense of calm.
I could restore my energy.
I could be in my space.
We got our roof fixed.
We are getting pictures back up, which makes me feel cozy.
Our office was completed.
Paint jobs are getting complete.
We are starting to settle and even though we have a lot of little things left, it is starting to feel like home.
Our home.

Health.
I stumbled a lot this year.
But that means I have to make changes.
I have to figure out my world so that my body does not respond in protest to my stress.
I have to become more than lists
and busy.
I have to be present.
With them, and him, and her, and in our home, and me.
And I have taken little steps like
I have fallen madly in love with yoga and how I can build strength through calm and breath.
I found a new chapter.
I was gifted a book that could have and should have been written by me!
A book about being healthy,
being around
not allowing regret to become a part of your future.
There are signs all over,
and I am finally listening universe.
I will slow down
I will be
I will regain my health
I will regain my emotions
I will regain my energy
I will be more than a list
I will be me again.

Us.
We stole 4 days away just us two, in warmth.
We learned how to rebuild from ashes.
We learned how important our foundation is.
We learned that we are strong.
We are capable.
We are in love.
We want a future but we want to be present.
We want laughter
and childhood
and fun
back in our lives
back in our house becoming home.
We want more than what we are
and we are strong enough to become it.
We are in love.

Friends.
We spent a week at the Cape with amazing friends that are family.
We met local friends that make us feel giddy and whole.
We have friends all over the place, but felt so lonely
so isolated.
We couldn't find our circle, until we did.
We couldn't find our joy, until we did.
We couldn't find happy and laughter, until we did.

I am grateful for hugs
and smooches
and touching toes
and holding hands
and olive juice phrases
and clear eyes
and full hearts
and joy
and laughter
and childhood
and second chances
and friends
and family given and created
and homes
and responsibilities
and love.
I am grateful for all of them and all they have meant to me and for me.
I am grateful they made and make me better.
I am grateful for all of you
and all you do
and all you teach
and all you give
and all I give
and all we are.