Childhoodtake2!

You were born old.
And you were all business.
You were so serious.
You had this no joke facial expression.
You were always so stern,
really made us work for a smile,
just a moment of childhood.
As you grew and grew, I knew that this is one thing you got from me.
You were pensive, taking it all in.
You were years older than your age.
You were an observer
you were a processor
you were serious.

And there were times that I was so worried that with my serious outlook
you too would be a worrier.
You too would be anxious.
Always thinking about the past, always worried about the future.
Never present.
You too would have to work to find joy.

And during those first few years, you calmed me.
You brought out the silly in me.
Joy was so easy for me back then.
I was trying to take your serious away and therefore I became a kid.
I got my second chance at a childhood, through you.

And then this baby I had became a toddler became a kid.
And her silly side was found.
Her childhood comes flying out of her.
And instead of embracing this,
instead of loving every moment of her
I became serious me again.
I became old.
And all business.
I was and am so serious.
My facial expressions, they are no joke.
I became stern.
I really make you work for a smile,
just a moment of childhood.
I am serious.
I lost joy.
I lost childhood.
I found my worry
my concern
my need to control
and I started to lose you.

And this,
this on top of all of the things I have mom guilt about,
and there are many many many many
this weighs most heavy on my soul.
All I have lost when there is too much I have gained.

You would go into a new class learning a new skill and be beaming with energy and excitement.
Me, I am reserved and terrified.
You would tackle every challenge
you find joy in it.
Me, I see it all as daunting.
You would find joy and laughter in everyday things.
Me, I have to remind myself to laugh.
You go up to any child and find a way to make a new friend.
I have spent this last year so lonely, so alone, so afraid to branch out and not knowing who to turn to.
You shriek with laughter
even if you are making it up.
Me, I work to find my joy, I have to remind myself that this is worth laughing at.
I have to remember that you were once my calm,
my silly
my second chance.

And then, I catch a glimpse of who I wanted to be
and I really like her.
The silly mom
the one that is making you laugh
that belly laugh that fills me full.
The one that loves to hear your shrieks of joy
and isn't annoyed by your childhood
the one that reads to you, that cuddles with you.
The one that gets down on her knees at night and thanks anyone that will listen for all we are grateful for
all that we are sorry for
all the patience that we ask for.
The one who is not stern
not angry
not waking up anxious.
The one that knows love and shows love.
The one that loves and loves
the one that you can trust and turn to
the one that laughs with you for you
the one that has open arms and no judgments
the one that you trusted to take this ride with
the one that has always loved you.
The one that is not so serious.