Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on near.
Go.

In this life, I keep those I love close.
I take them in and keep them and our memories together protected, tucked inside.
Because it has always been my nature to keep my group with me and carry them as I go.
Near or far, they are with me.

And although my love is scattered all over and most of my circle is no longer near me,
it is the thought of you no longer being physically near,
the thought of your little faces gone from my everyday,
that I will need a lifetime to move past.
Because parenting is building you to go out there, not stay here.
Parenting is creating people that go and do and build their own life and world.
Parenting is letting go, every single day, letting go a little more and a little more and a little more...
until eventually, you are somewhere out there, no longer near.

And just like with everyone else I hold, I will hold you close to me too.
I will keep you, I will have our memories to go back to
I will have this journey to lean on
I will have the warm feeling of you near as you go farther and farther away.

I live too much in the yesterdays and tomorrows, this I realize.
I have little faces that still believe in the magic of childhood and I am prepping for the goodbyes that will come.
Only because I need time to prepare and time to get myself ready for the inevitable.
I need to get my whole being ready for you no longer being near.

But that does not mean I am not intentional about our time.
In fact, it makes me more intentional, more present.
As soon as I feel too overwhelmed to sit quietly with you, I always leap to it will be tomorrow when she is no longer near.
As soon as I feel too distracted to play, I quickly realize how I will blink he will be off, far away doing wonderful him.

So, I sit close
I draw you near
I hold on to each moment, each second
because that warmth will keep you with me
even when you are far away from the life we built.

Stop.

He's the one you call for.
He's the one that signs you up for all of your stuff.
He's the one that gets you ready every. single. morning.
He's also the one that tackles night time routines.
He's the one you love two claps.
He's the one you look like.
He's the one that worries most about you.

He's the one that asked me out.
He's the one that got down on one knee to ask me to join him in forever.
He's the one that puts up with my crazy.
He's the one that has embraced my family's crazy.
He's the one that worries the least about us.

He's the one that sets schedules for you.
He's the one you spend your summer with.
He's the one that plans our vacations.
He's the one that plans our days.
He's the one that loves adventure.
He's the one that needs big breaks.

He's the one that celebrates your milestones.
He's the one that is never sad anything is over.
He's the one that loves your first and your last everything.
He's the one that asked for you, he's the one that realized we were now a complete family.
He's the one that wanted this life, always and forever, you were always a part of him.

He's the one that had the hardest time letting Mia go.
He's the one that I got to watch fall in love with her.
He's the one that adores Pearl, and I got to watch them fall in love too.
He's the one that walks her, he's the one that is so patient.
He's the one that realized we needed to wait and heal.
He's the one that also realized I couldn't live without her.

He's the one that won't let any of us walk away angry.
He's always the first to apologize.
He's the fixer, he's always putting us back together.
He's the one that built our house.
He's the one I see in every corner of it.
He's the one that is always trying to make us happy.
He's the one that loves us, so much he can't see straight.
He's the one that laughs, his job is to be silly.
He's the one that has so much joy, naturally sitting in there, and we're the ones that need to remind him of that.

He's the one you get your eyes from
he's the one you get your childhood joy from
he's the one you want to make happy
he's the one you really adore.
He's the one we can count on.
He is the one I count on.
He's the one that knew we were it for him.

He's the one that is more simple.
He's the one that doesn't question much.
He's the one that hasn't met someone he doesn't like.
He's the one that sees the good in everyone.
He's the one that has a good heart.

He's the one that forgets a lot.
He's the one we love.
He's the one that needs constant reminders that all of this is crazy messy goofy love.
He's the one that needs constant reminders that this is childhood.
He's the one that needs constant reminders that this was his childhood.
He's the one that needs constant reminders that this was him, always him.
He's the one that needs to be reminded that he will never be loved and needed this much again.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one that won't ever let us give up.
He's the one that won't ever walk away.
He's the one that expects you to move mountains.
He's the one for us, he's the one for me, he's the one that put this family together.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one guys.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on inspire.
Go.

I find it in the quiet.
The time alone in the shower just the sound of water.
The time alone on a run, just the sound of my feet and the road.
I find it in the morning, just the dimmest light on and my thoughts, my work.
I find it on the rainy days that curl me up
I find it in a lit candle a moment of peace.
I find it when the noise stops around me, the noise in me too.

I find it when I write, when the words finally come.
The words I struggle to put together and the ones I want you to carry with you always.
I find it in my desire to keep you in the know of what this journey meant to me
how much these years with you changed me and how I will never be who I once was.

I found my inspiration for a forever, one full of happy, when you first smiled at me.
I found my inspiration to exhale and be as you made your way over to me.
I found my smile in yours.

I find it in love.
The love I am trying to spread the one I am learning to receive.
I find it the warmth and comfort we have created, the family I never knew I always wanted.

I find it at night when I peek in and see the rise and fall of your chest as you breathe.
I find it in the knowledge of the good we put forth that day
the love we shared.
I find it when you whisper to me from your dreams
the love letters you write directly to my heart.
I find it in your whispers.

I find it in beauty, in clean and in our home.
I no longer want a house but a warm and loving home.
I find it in the walls that have your eyes and smiles and laughter staring back.
I find it in the toys you love, the little that has exploded.
I find it in your childhood, my second chance.

It is in the quiet that I come alive
I find it in the stillness I need
the silence I desire.

Stop.

I started a tradition several years ago - writing you a love letter on a day that celebrates mom-hood. Today, it continues...

I love watching you both play, either alone or together, your creative play is amazing.
Anna, you are engrossed in coloring and stitching and writing.
Cole, you are obsessed with building and cars and trains.
I love vacationing with you both.
I love watching how excited you get about our trips Anna.
You really do see them as wonderful adventures and you so look forward to all you get to see.
Cole, I love hearing you say "wow" in a light whisper, as the world unfolds around you.
I love it when you both hold hands, when you hug, when you are love.
I love it when you ask for a family hug.
Cole, even in your little three year old body, you know when we need it most.
Anna, I love hearing all about your day, I love our little talks.
I love running with you and our bike rides.
I love that we can take little swims together and how strong you are in the water.
I love watching you grow.
I still love our Friday nights, our Sunday mornings and I always will.
I love seeing you in PJs, fresh out of the tub, for some reason, it defines happychildhood.
I love how you smell, still able to smell like spring when you come in from playing, or soap once you get a tub.
I love how independent you are both becoming.
How I can count on you.
I love our goodnights. How gentle and loving and calm they are.
I love our reading dates, how close and quiet this time is.
Cole, I love hearing you ask if we can do a family story.
I love how important family is to you buddy.
I love hearing you call dad your best buddy.
I love seeing how much you need him in your life.
I love love love that you have calmed your emotions, and no longer cry all day long.
I adore how much you live to eat!
I love how much you love your life.
I love your laundry, because your clothes are still so so small.
I love seeing your shoes, because they are still reminders of how little you both are.
I love your memory.
I love your words.
I love you both.

Anna,
This year, you came back to me.
We came close to losing your spirit last summer and we found our way back to each other.
You thrive in love Anna, you need it to function.
Anger or
because I said so or
do this now or
yelling or
...
that is not how my stubborn girl takes in information.
You are me, you want to be part of the conversation and not told what to do.
You need reasons, why does it have to be like that, reasons.
You need to feel like you have a voice, like you can negotiate.
We are learning together and will continue to but you have taught us that love is the only conversation you are willing to have.
We are listening.

Cole, you have come out of your fog.
Which means you are maturing little man.
You are turning big boy four and you are ready.
Ready for a big boy bed, ready for big boy talks.
Ready for independence, ready for "I can and will do it".
Ready for leadership.
But, you still have a toddler voice, with big boy words.
Your voice is what I need right now.
It reminds me of little sweet love.
And your adorable curls that stick to your forehead while you sleep.
I love how your body curls into mine when I scoop you up.
Oh, how I love your hugs.
Because no matter what you do sweet love, you are all in.
Eat, hug, smooch, play, scream, cry...
you never dip your toe.
It is all or nothing.

Thank you both for finding me.
Thank you for creating and giving me motherhood.
Thank you for your wisdom, your love.
Thank you for reminding us both to always choose love.
Thank you for believing in family.
Thank you for being two of the best people I know.
And most of all,
thank you for having me believe in happy endings
and love at first sight.
Thank you for defining family.