30
Aug

Five Minute Friday - back

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on back.
Go.

At the end of a summer, it feels like we have to now get back into the swing of things. Back into routines and schedules. Back into packing lunches and emptying backpacks. Back into papers filling our home...back to structure.

There is a love/hate relationship with this time of year. I push/pull that I so often feel in parenting. A feeling of I can't wait to have you go back and yet another feeling of one more summer of childhood behind us and another transition to say goodbye to. This summer was filled with childhood, love, warmth, travel, busy, camps, weeks of time at home, projects, our house becoming a home, messes, sticky counters, crunchy floors, toys everywhere, messy rooms, laundry piling high, our house filled with people, our house filled with laughter, TV and movies, rainy days, lots of painting, reading dates, framily time, just us five, walks, runs, swims, sand, family on top of family, and childhood.

And now, we are back. Back to the grind, back to school for hubby, kids and back to me feeling like I'm not the only one back at it.

With all our love summer, you filled us full.

Stop.

23
Aug

Five Minute Friday - pace

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on pace.

Go.

Since I can remember, I have set my pace to "full speed ahead". Everything that I do, I do with all of me. I give it all that I have, and then I find some more to give, and I give that too. And when I can't find anymore, I double down and search and search and search and then I just pour more and more out of me.

I do it with how I work, I do it with my workouts, I do it with my work ethic, I do it with our home, I do it with my writing, I do it with our plans, I do it with how I love. Full speed ahead is the only pace I have.

So, when this born 40-year-old finally turned the age she was always meant to be, I'm starting to play with a different pace, a slower one, a quieter one. A pace that allows me to function a bit more, sleep a little harder, and be. Not always do and be doing, but be.

Be with you, be around you, be present, be loving, be me, be happy, be proud, be kind, be kind to me...be.

I don't know what pace it is yet, I don't know what any of it looks or feels like, not yet. I haven't found the right rhythm. I just know I'm tired of always feeling like I'm about to have a heart attack and like "it" can't stop or else all of "it" will come crashing down...whatever "it" is for this week anyway. I'm tired of feeling like I can't stop or else all that I hold will collapse, I'm just not that important.

So, little faces, I'll figure this out with you. I have a few more months of holding on and then we will play with a differently paced mamma. One that has time to look at you the whole time you're telling me a story, the one that knows the names of the kids in your class and takes walks with you and holds on to the pace you have always tried to set for us.

Stop.

10
Mar

I'm having a moment

It's no surprise that the first year with both of you are some of my favorite memories. There is a peace with newborns that can't be explained, there is a comfort in the "dream phase" of parenting in which there is no actual parenting, only love.

It's easier now, sure, less reliant, absolutely. And watching you play Legos for hours while I do work is incredible. Having reading dates where we can all read our own thing is wonderful. Having you get yourself snacks, play with the dog, use equipment, go up/down stairs without a worry makes life so much easier on the constant need that comes with little ones. But the ease doesn't equate to calm.

There is a calm that comes with that first year. There is this outpouring of love for the little one on your chest, your person swaddling them, and the sibling that loves on them. The newborn bath smell that makes you feel like you are doing parenting right. The little noises that only you know what they mean, the facial expressions that tell you something else, the rhythm you establish together, a really special song only your little family knows the words to. A dance that you do that only your special group know the steps to.

When we had our last, and went through all the last firsts, I spent so much time loving reclaiming my home. Getting rid of highchairs and bumbos and newborn clothes and toys and reclaiming our bank accounts with no more diapers and no more preschool tuition and less and less daycare needed. But, the house gets refilled with other things, and the money goes to other places and I am having a moment of ache.

I am dreaming of babies, I can physically feel myself being so careful, so gentle. I can feel the weight as I hold them, as I walk them, as I smell them. I am meeting moms with twins and having thoughts like, what if we just adopted a set of twins, that would instantly give me the four I actually desire. I find myself in newborn baby aisles and picturing how and what I would do differently.

Even though I know (sort of) that this family is complete, I never had "the moment" of done and so I am having a different moment now. One in which the sadness hits me hard. Because I would be lying if I said I knew and I felt it and it was done and the stillness and calm of that decision makes me feel good. Instead, I know intellectually that we are done, I know that more would be more, I know that we are good, they are good, but damn, a girl can dream and so this one is.

For the mom who wanted none, but decided to give it a go, I'm having a moment for her. For the mom that had to be talked into it, and put all of her fears aside, I am having a moment for her. For the mom who held her daughter, claimed her motherhood and thought one and done, I am having a moment for her. And for the mom that held her son and three minutes into his life exclaimed I want 2 more...I am having a moment for her too.

I am having a moment in which I want it all back, I want my time with them back. I want the little back. I of course love where they are. I know how much my husband grows so easily with them. But this mamma struggles a little more with each and every passing that. I miss my babies and I miss newborn clothes and newborn detergent, and my husband looking like a gentle giant holding them. I miss the stillness that comes with that first year and I miss the quiet. It's a blip, I will feel better again soon, but for now I can admit, I'm having a moment.

20
Oct

Five Minute Friday - discover

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on discover.
Go.

Sweet daughter:
What has amazed me to the most about you is how old you were when you were born.
The world seemed so familiar to you, and you seemed so knowledgeable.
What I have loved watching is you discover your childish side.
The playful
the excitement
the kid you are and therefore should be allowed to be.
I don't know why I squash that person when she tips over to the other side and why I remind her of maturity.
You are a child for a short time, you will be an adult for the rest of forever.
Keep discovering that kid, never let her go.
Hold her close no matter what number your age says.
Keep discovering a new childish part of your old self
and thank you for allowing me to discover mine.
You are me and together, we have to remember that life is not that serious.
We have to discover the joy we want in our lives
take my hand let's lead each other to this discovery.

Sweet boy:
What I have loved watching is you discover this world.
That first year of life, when everything was amazing to you and you were taking it all in, it was a year of amazement to me too.
You came to me new, fresh, eyes ready to learn.
You were and are brand new.
You have reminded me that life should be full of discovery, you have reminded me of young.
Not because you work hard at it but because it comes so naturally to you.
Youth and childhood and new and discoveries are what you do best.
Being around you forces one to stop digging in their heals and remember how perfect young is.
You have taken the lead, you are in charge of childhood and you remind each of us that you don't have to look hard, it's right there, at our fingertips.
You don't have to discover the joys of life, you just clearly see them and for that, you are a wonder and wonderful.

You have each brought me on a journey in discovering who I am once you take away the lists, the to dos, the have tos the worry.

Stop.

27
Aug

He's the one

He's the one you call for.
He's the one that signs you up for all of your stuff.
He's the one that gets you ready every. single. morning.
He's also the one that tackles night time routines.
He's the one you love two claps.
He's the one you look like.
He's the one that worries most about you.

He's the one that asked me out.
He's the one that got down on one knee to ask me to join him in forever.
He's the one that puts up with my crazy.
He's the one that has embraced my family's crazy.
He's the one that worries the least about us.

He's the one that sets schedules for you.
He's the one you spend your summer with.
He's the one that plans our vacations.
He's the one that plans our days.
He's the one that loves adventure.
He's the one that needs big breaks.

He's the one that celebrates your milestones.
He's the one that is never sad anything is over.
He's the one that loves your first and your last everything.
He's the one that asked for you, he's the one that realized we were now a complete family.
He's the one that wanted this life, always and forever, you were always a part of him.

He's the one that had the hardest time letting Mia go.
He's the one that I got to watch fall in love with her.
He's the one that adores Pearl, and I got to watch them fall in love too.
He's the one that walks her, he's the one that is so patient.
He's the one that realized we needed to wait and heal.
He's the one that also realized I couldn't live without her.

He's the one that won't let any of us walk away angry.
He's always the first to apologize.
He's the fixer, he's always putting us back together.
He's the one that built our house.
He's the one I see in every corner of it.
He's the one that is always trying to make us happy.
He's the one that loves us, so much he can't see straight.
He's the one that laughs, his job is to be silly.
He's the one that has so much joy, naturally sitting in there, and we're the ones that need to remind him of that.

He's the one you get your eyes from
he's the one you get your childhood joy from
he's the one you want to make happy
he's the one you really adore.
He's the one we can count on.
He is the one I count on.
He's the one that knew we were it for him.

He's the one that is more simple.
He's the one that doesn't question much.
He's the one that hasn't met someone he doesn't like.
He's the one that sees the good in everyone.
He's the one that has a good heart.

He's the one that forgets a lot.
He's the one we love.
He's the one that needs constant reminders that all of this is crazy messy goofy love.
He's the one that needs constant reminders that this is childhood.
He's the one that needs constant reminders that this was his childhood.
He's the one that needs constant reminders that this was him, always him.
He's the one that needs to be reminded that he will never be loved and needed this much again.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one that won't ever let us give up.
He's the one that won't ever walk away.
He's the one that expects you to move mountains.
He's the one for us, he's the one for me, he's the one that put this family together.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one that we love.
He's the one guys.

5
Aug

Five Minute Friday - happy

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on happy.
Go.

"You only know you've been high when you're feeling low"

It's in there, happiness.
It's there, sitting in you, in all of us,
wanting, needing, desperate to come out.
That joyful, free, light feeling of happy.
Joy, is sitting inside.

But in order to appreciate the sun, you need the rain.
In order to appreciate the warmth, winter has to set it.
In order to appreciate joy and love and all things glorious, you have to know pain and sorrow and sadness.

Your natural joy, your carefree spirit, your love of life and amazing smile,
that's what I fell so madly, deeply, crazy in love with.
Up until I met you, I didn't have the kind of life in which someone smiled through their day.
And I just knew, you were going to be the best part of me.
You were going to bring out the best in me.
Our life, would have struggles, because all lives that live and love do,
but happy, we were going to be happy.

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And I was right, happy is what we found.
Our life has had struggles.
We are not strangers to pain, we have seen and felt and been covered in blue.
We have fought, with and for each other.
We have held hands through health concerns and kids and we have been turned upside down.
We have lived through this life, we are not surviving it and with that comes pain and loss and at times a hurt that makes your heart break and your face drop and your eyes spill emotion.
But happy, we are.
And through the tantrums and screams and chaos of kids and family
we are now searching for joy,
that natural joy that beamed out of us, when we first met.
When life was simple and all you had to worry about was simple too and you knew it.
I fell in love with that natural joy and it brought out a sense of hope and belief in me,
And I know that if we find it again, they too will realize that joy is just as important as love.

You see, when I feel, I am all in.
Sad, I am blue and covered in sorrow.
Angry, I am enraged and cannot see straight.
Happy, I am elated, beaming, sunshine and so light and carefree.
When I feel, I am all in.
And they are the same.
That is the childhood they and I carry.
We are full of big emotions in this house, all of us wear our hearts on the outside of our bodies.
All of us feel big and speak loud to have our feeling heard and realized.
When we feel, we are all in.

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So now that we have happy and love covered,
now that they know how safe they are to express their emotions,
now that our family is finding it's way back,
let's remember the power and magic of joy and happy.
Let's have them look back and say I had a
#happychildhood.

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