Childhoodtake2!

2020 is the year that we are living.

2020 is also what people call hindsight.

2020 has been one hell of a year and there is no way to remember it all so this is my very small attempt at gathering any sort of information and trying my hardest to remember it all.

The year started with me being full-time in my business. After 20 years, I said good-bye to my agency and I started on my own. For three years, I worked both, and I broke things. My feelings, my brain, my joy, my heart. I broke really really important things.

So I started with a few words, guides, phrases, and priorities that I needed. The year started with things like:

• Calm and bright
• Balance
• Time
• Connection
• I wanted us to have breakfast together
• I wanted to take family walks, walks alone, walks with just one of you at a time
• More time spent on my body and care
• Family games, puzzles, happy hearts
• A little girl that was now in-between

January started with me still working as an interim CEO and needing to figure that out. It started with some enlightening things that my business needed, some structure. January was the start of my body starting to let go and release. Better sleep, deeper, more baths, calmer heart. A weekly schedule the way I wanted it to look. BUT, it was also when I wasn't able to be protective of my time and I was being pulled into doing "too much".

January was also a month that in our county, our President was under impeachment. When someone reminded me of that, I thought they were lying because that felt so long ago but they were right. It was all we could talk about and learn about. It was huge news.

February was even more quiet, more calm. It was cold and slow. I was still walking and my words became:

• Slow down
• Keep walking
• Love
• Valentine's Day
• My littles, my little faces, their little big hearts
• Snow days
• Childhood
• Giggles
• The Coronavirus was starting to become a buzz word

By March, COVID-19 was a thing everywhere and to everyone. I was still walking, I was doing yoga three times a week, I was in a routine and still really really struggling with letting go. I was fighting with demons and my past. The words and phrases were now:

• COVID-19
• Dreams and heavy nightmares
• Anxiety and struggles
• Remembering who I am, what I accomplished, remembering my good
• Yoga
• Walks
• Calming puppy time
• Happy kiddos loving their new lifestyle
• Easier days and nights
• Gearing up for a busy spring and getting ready for a coaching season

In March is when schools closed for 5 weeks and we were floored. In March was the first time we did "panic shopping" and quickly realized we were not made for end of the world purchases. In March is when we felt our coziest...everyone was home, everyone was together. Hibernating in March feels so natural and wonderful. Things were hopeful, I thought by May we would all be normal again, we just needed to get through March, rebuild in April, and welcome May with open arms.

• School closure
• Distance learning
• Flatten the curve
• The world stopped spinning
• Everything is closed
• Sports stopped, all sports, everywhere, stopped.
• Restaurants are take out only and we did Friday night take out every week
• Everyone needs support
• Lay-offs and unemployment at an all-time high
• Tax deadline was extended
• Concern over my business
• Concern over our communities
• The environment started to heal...immediately
• Stay home, stay safe
• NY Strong
• Empty highways
• Empty roads
• Empty downtown
• Closed up restaurants
• Posted signs everywhere about safety
• Work from home
• House projects galore!
• Sold out toilet paper
• Sold out paper towels
• Sold out hand sanitizer
• Free resources
• Gyms closed and online workouts
• Time actually stood still...how is it still March was trending

Come April, we started to realize we were in this for a very long time. This was a long long haul and we had a lot of learning to do and things started to change daily.

• Cancelation of Anna's birthday part
• New normal
• We're in this together
• Front line workers
• Overburdened hospitals
• Finding out who we know is ill
• Praying for strangers
• Supporting family from afar
• Friday night takeout continued
• Zoom calls
• Zoom meetings
• Reconnecting differently
• Really really missing people
• Visits through windows
• More and more house projects!
• Murder hornets started to become a thing.
• Running with kiddos by my side
• More at-home workouts
• Introverts and extroverts both struggled

May, May was the beginning of exhaustion. May started to feel warmer and people wanted to stop hibernating. In May, people wanted to see people and be around people again and started to really struggle with isolation.

• It snowed in May
• Then we had a tornado
• Distance learning was implemented for the rest of the academic year
• My daughter really struggled with not being able to say good-bye to her elementary years.
• House projects were still coming and coming
• Friday night takeout continued
• More and more and more and more walks
• Really big and important talks
• Figuring out what to do during the weekends was really a struggle.
• Figuring out what day it is was a struggle
• All the cozy clothes all of the time for months and months and months
• My business started to introduce webinar training
• Social distancing and wearing masks started to become law.
• Six-feet apart
• Running with kiddos by my side
• More at-home workouts
• Can we, should we, how do we see people?
• Hibernation was over and we were tired.
• George Floyd
• Say his name
• Black lives matter
• BLM
• Protests
• Systematic racism
• Anti-racist
• Passive racist

The end of May and beginning of June, June was the start of another civil rights movement. Another black man was murdered and America responded.

Talks became even more important. It was time our family of four also learned how we were contributing to the problem and in no way being part of the solution. We all dug deeper and did more. June was important.

• Phases
• Phase 1-3 were implemented
• Phase four was discussed but no gyms
• Running with kiddos by my side
• More at-home workouts
• Friday night takeout
• Elementary graduation was tough and mama cried
• Summer vacation?
• Say Her name - Breonna Taylor
• Social media Blackout
• Black Lives Matter streets
• Marches/protests/kneeling
• Elijah McClain
• #518 Mamas for BLM
• Opening up slowly and carefully to friends and family.
• Stores and restaurants slowly starting to reopen.
• One way signs in stores
• Social distancing
• 6-feet apart
• Masks mandatory
• 2 weeks quarantine if you leave the state
• How to spend our days?
• Track will race, no spectators

It's only been three months. When we look back what will we remember? What will stand out, what will be an "oh yeah" moment? What will be good about this, what will be hard? What will heal because we stopped moving and what will change because we refused to compromise? Hindsight is 2020.

For six years, more than half your life, you have walked through those doors, walked down each hallway, learned your way, and loved your days. You have stayed in touch with the teachers you have met, you have opened your heart to new friends, you have loved being a part of this school.

Anna James, you loved your elementary school and the years you grew and developed there. You loved the activities, the before and after school "things", you loved their events, you loved the bus, you loved walking into the school, you loved the people you met, you loved loved loved your elementary years.

Yes, your last year was so hard on your heart. Yes, many months were taken from you and yes, you do not feel that there was closure and a real good-bye. But, you did do it. You worked, you learned, you connected, you found ways to make people feel connected to you, you were resilient, even if you were sad and lonely and a little heartbroken and unstable. All of those feelings are ok Bella. This is why I didn't allow us to ignore them or make them feel "small" because to you, this is the biggest thing that has happened to you. In a lot of ways, I too feel as though we didn't get to close the door on this incredible milestone. You are becoming a middle schooler, you are a rising sixth grader.

When the pandemic first hit in March, and we thought this was life for the next five weeks, it felt so cozy and family-centered. We really regrouped and found a great rhythm. We missed our framily and connections but damn, we found so many ways to still feel connected and close. We also found this gorgeous dance in our house. As mom started to slow down and find her new balance, you guys did your work, and we all snuggled into the office or in front of the fireplace. We would huddle around the island and even found times for walks, we were so warm and snuggled.

As the reality of the pandemic settled in, we all quickly realized, this is it... this is the new way we do school, life is all different, our days are way different and we went through the roller-coaster of emotions. You, sweet girl, you took it the hardest.

You missed the most. You missed friends and teachers and classrooms and activities and connection and important field trips and little special moments and all of it was ripped from you. You had to say good-bye from afar and you were hurting. I was hurting. We would talk about it on our walks, we would talk about it at nighttime, we would talk about it so you didn't feel like it was nothing or you needed to keep it from us. We would also talk about the good things that came out of this. We would talk about some of the really important positives and no matter what, you made it, we made it.

I know that these last few months were important to you. I know that being in that building, saying goodbye to important people in your life was important to you. I know that it was going to make you feel more ready for your next chapter, not less sad, but more ready. I know none of that happened. I know.

So to you sweet girl I say this. This is the year that will make history. It will be written and talked about and your experience will always matter. You will forever remember this. Whatever comes our way this fall, we will deal and do. We will figure it out together and we will make sure you are ready and feel like you will also appreciate and love this next experience.

There is one thing that is always true about you, you always try. You also make friends, you always connect, and you always do your best. It's all you can do and you definitely do so you've got this. Now, go be you.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on distraction.

Go.

It seems as though many are looking for a distraction to get through these days. But, what if you were always distracted and you need a pandemic to have a new perspective? What if you used every excuse as a distraction and now, you are finally able to sit and see and feel and be okay. What if it took the world to no longer spin for you to find a sense of normal and stop being so damn distracted?

I was distracted with busy and work and hours and hours and hours of exhaustion. No, I was not the only one. No, it's hard for a lot of working parents, stay at home parents, single parents, people, life can just be hard sometimes. So, no, I was not special and no, I am not that important. But distracted was the name of my game for sure and how I lived most of my days.

No, it was not all bad. I still saw my kids and they still felt loved. I still had fun and found a good routine. There were moments I felt my hum, I didn't just hear it, I felt it in my body. I felt it vibrating and I felt so so good. But, once you lose that hum, once you are just doing to do, once you are "getting through" a week or a time or a lifetime, that's not a life worth living and you are too distracted.

No, I didn't have much of a choice. I made decisions and sacrifices for our family, I did what needed to be done and I wasn't keeping myself distracted to NOT face something, I didn't see a way out and even with space and distance, I would go back and do it all over again just this way.

I was able to set up some space, some security, I was able to do it in the way I felt most comfortable, I planned and I worked hard. All of that is ok and it was a "short time" in the grand scheme of life. But, distracted I was. So now, I look a little harder. I take in the view more, or at all. I find different routes to run, I really pay attention. Now, I spend time showing my daughter things and talking to the kids a lot more. Now, I'm a little less distracted.

Stop.

Taking slower walks allows you to see things like when the grass changes from a brown/hint of green, to greener, still not summer green, but getting there.

Watching the world unfold like this allows you to see the ups and downs that people are having, feel the roller-coaster ride because you are going through it too, but you are going through it, it is not steamrolling you. We are getting there.

Watching a long, slow, calming rain come down on a Sunday afternoon reminds me of the things I love. The snuggle time, the flicker of candles, warm coffee, long long naps, kids still in jammies, smiles on everyone's face, getting slower, which is so needed because I am getting there.

Making my bed, cleaning up my kitchen, doing the laundry, cleaning the washroom, putting things away, getting it less messy, wiping away the goo from counters, cleaning up the floors, vacuuming, getting it to smell better reminds me of who I am and what also calms my heart. Because we all need a little bit of normalcy in order to get there.

Having a chat through a window, birthday drive-bys to show you love someone, calls, video chats, wine dates, social media connections, they are how all of us are reaching out. We need connection and love and our families and framilies and each other, we all just need each other. It's the only way we're going to get there.

Family puzzles, card games, movie nights, grilled pizza, happy hour on a deck, talking, planning, kid games, family time, long runs with littles on bikes, doggy runs that exhaust, it's the love in all of us that will get us there.

The grass is a little greener this week, we are getting there.

We play I spy in the car a lot. It always starts out kind of cute and time makes it drag on too much. Now, I'm playing my own kind of I spy and you guys aren't really all that aware.

I see a lot of families going for walks together.

A lot of siblings playing together.

A whole bunch of family games being played in backyards.

I see families gathered outside by a fire.

I see them cooking together.

I see friends finding each other and supporting each other and sending smiles any way they can.

I see communities coming together.

I see the world getting smaller.

I see real leaders stepping up.

I see love, a lot of it.

I see worry lines and tired faces.

I see loved ones leaning on each other.

I see priorities getting clearer.

I see A LOT of family time.

I see introverts living their best lives.

I see introverts hiding under covers.

I see people trying to do anything they can to help.

I see love, a lot of it.

I see books being devoured.

I see binge-watching at its finest.

I see liquor stores doing quite well.

I see house projects being completed.

I see workouts getting a new routine.

I see happy pets.

I see love, a lot of it.

I see kiddos reading to each other.

I see siblings going from a loving moment to screaming matches in seconds.

I see forts being built.

I see a ton of Legos...everywhere I turn.

I see family puzzles.

I see family dinners.

I see BBQs in March.

I see couples working together.

I see love, a lot of it.

Lovies, this is a time we will all remember. Always and forever. The time the entire world went black and dark and quiet. The time we were all hunkered down and living each day minute by minute. The time we were inundated with information and closed off, all at the same time. The time when everything was closed and we all just watched. The time it all hit, all at once and everywhere.

So, in a time of worry and concern and just not knowing what the hell is going to happen next, and not knowing who is going to make it out ok, and not knowing what will happen to our entire town and just plain not knowing anything, here are some things we do know....

Right before this all happened, you two could not be in the same room. You were both at each other, all of the time. You could not have one single conversation without anger and disdain dripping from you. And we had had enough. We would be 3 minutes into our day and both of you would be sent to rooms and asked to separate. I would cringe with how you acted around each other. And then, overnight, you had to become each other's only friend, only person, only source of entertainment and it all changed.

You both worked together, you both compromised, you both play silly games, you both take turns, no one is in charge anymore. You both work side by side, all day long, in one office doing work and helping each other. You both read and play and snuggle on Pearl. You eat together, take turns watching things you both enjoy, you are all you have. As much time as we have to be spending together, it's made it so much better. You are getting closer and Anna, Cole is living his best life because he has you back.

Our house is getting messy but organized and projects we were going to get to, they are getting done. And extrovert dad is on fire with all of his projects and finding ways to run to Lowes for everything and anything. And introvert mom is loving being cooped up and staying put.

Laundry is getting done.

Dinner isn't rushed.

Saturday mornings are really lazy, so are Sundays.

Dad is still working out...at home!

My business is still turning, for now.

We are watching cute movies.

We are snuggling a lot.

I am sleeping a lot and less and then a lot again.

My lists are getting shorter.

We are walking Pearl all of the time, and she could not be happier, having us all here.

She too is loving her crate and alone time.

I am watching so many shows, and I know that sounds like a weird positive but it really really is.

Dad and I are holding hands all of the time.

Hugs are plenty around here, out of nowhere hugs, I really love you hugs, thanks for doing this with me hugs.

Cole is a Lego builder master and got us hooked to a new Lego Master show that is adorable and hysterical and fun. Anna is watching and really into it.

We're all sleeping in!

I'm not addicted to my phone anymore, I actually have it on silent so I can really take advantage of the quiet.

There is a lot to worry about, a lot to stress over, a lot to wonder how it's all going to look on the other side, who will be impacted the most, who isn't able to count a single blessing because their world is falling apart. So, for those of us who can, who are able to find the good, it's important we remember that and let go of little things that just don't matter.

When this is all over, I'm going to hug my friends hard. I'm going to go to the gym and do a dance of glee. I'm going to yoga and cry. I'm going to remember sleeping until I naturally wake up. I'm going to try and do more of that. I'm going to be ok.