Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on routine.
Go.

It is kind of absurd how much I love a routine.
How much I crave knowing what my day looks like
what I do when.
And I can say it is because my days are so long
so hectic
so out of my control, in the hands of others.
I am tied to meetings and agendas and to-dos.
But if I am being honest, I love a routine because that is who I am.
I am tied to meetings and agenda and to-dos because that is the profession I chose and would do it all over again.
It is who I am and it is time for me to be okay with me.

So let me begin...
there is order in a routine
there is a knowing
there is a feeling of freedom from not having to think
it's a dance
it's pretty to me
it's me.

There is balance in a routine
it brings the crazy back down
it lines things up
it creates space
it allows me to exhale
it's calm
and it is calming
it is me.

And inside something so cold and so sterile
I created warmth and tradition after tradition after tradition.
I created space and time and focus on us.
I created beauty and affection
I created your love of knowing
and I made time, fleeting time, special.

Yes, I love my routine.
I love my schedule of schedules
I love the lists
the actions
I love how I took something so crazy about myself, so list oriented
and I made something gorgeous in us.

Stop.

Most nights, we end on the right note.
Most nights, we end with love and cuddles and stories and calm.
Most nights, we end with appreciation and thank yous and favorite parts of the day.
Most nights, we end with routines and love songs.
And on the nights we don't,
on the nights I am off,
on the nights that tired has taken over all of us,
I feel like I have failed.
Failed you, failed me, failed us.

Because these moments are so precious to me.
Because you always say you are thankful for our night time routines,
because you always list it as one of your favorite parts of the day,
because they are already precious to you.
If we don't get there, I have failed.
I have failed in loving you.

I know the reasons, the hours have gotten too long.
I am rushed, hurried.
My list is still too long and I just need to check getting you into bed off.
Instead of drinking you in.
Instead of letting the day go with you.
Instead, I miss it.
That chance to snuggle and read and laugh and hold you close and listen to you and take a quiet moment.

The chance to sing to you, to offer up love.
The chance to end it right.
The chance to say goodnight and have it be good.

And I know that the way we end fills you full for the next day.
The way we end determines how you view the day.
The way we end gives you strength or cuts you down.
And my role is to build you up.
Fill you with the kind of love that makes you burst open.
That's how important our night time goodnights are.
To me, to you.
And so, my last thought,
the one I have before I open my mouth and am too harsh, too loud is:

"did I love them enough today?"

Thank you when at home for inspiring this post, this letter of love.