Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on share.

Go.

I want to share something,
this blog is for me.
It is healing for me.
It is a journal of my parenting.
And despite the criticism I receive regarding how pollyanna I make parenting seem, not only do I disagree,
I just don't care.
I know that I share and am honest about my struggles, regrets, worries, concerns.
And I just don't care if you think it's too positive, I will always protect and defend their childhood.
I do not do this because anyone follows me, because they don't.
I do not do this for others to offer advice, because I have none to give, I am winging it.
I do this for me and for them.
I do this so you have a way of knowing how this all went down.
I do this so I have a way of looking back and remembering how this all felt.
I share to heal.
I share to let go, acknowledge and define the feelings I have, and then tell them to piss off.

I share because there are times when I am lost and distracted and empty and it's all too much.
I share because I know so many go through this and we are not alone.
I share because I have to call it out in order to move past.

I share about our amazing.
I share about our awful.
I share about my past.
I share my concerns for our future.
I share what we do well.
I share where I failed.
I share my solutions for us, the positive ones I found, the ones that no longer work, and the regrouping we always have to do.
I share where we stumble.
I share where we lost our way.
I share our book, chapter by chapter.
I share for me and for them, to heal and to know we always find our way back to us.
Because we actually do, we always find our way back to us.
And it ends positively because that's our family rule, we always end the day on our good.
We always end touching toes and talking about the parts we loved and apologize for the mistakes we made.
And as I climb back down the stairs, after yet another long day, I am thrilled to have the quiet and the time without being a mom because I am me too.
The book we started over 18 years ago is torn and faded and beat up and the pages are weathered and the cover is old and a bit ratty.
The story is changing year by year and some chapters are really scary and tearful.
Some chapters are amazing
all the chapters matter.

I share because I will always believe in our happy ending and because I know I have to share to heal me.

Stop.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on share.
Go.

It is no secret that I would have stayed pregnant with you both forever.
It is no secret that I did not want to share you with the world.
It is no secret that I cherished every second of holding you from the inside.
It is no secret that when you were making your way out to us, I turned to dad and said
"I'm not ready".
I'm not ready to let her go,
I'm not ready to be a mom,
I'm not ready to give him up,
I'm not ready for the part of my life to be over,
I'm not ready to share them,
I just need more time.

And that is how our story started and that is where we still are today.
I am never ready for you
and your next steps
and all you can do.
You are pushing me,
out of my comfort zone
out of my routine
out of my mind
because it does not matter if I am ready, just that you are.
And you have always been.

You have always been ready to share this world.
You have always been ready to share yourself,
your heart
your mind
you.
You have always been ready to share you.

And so, there is still this flicker of time that I still get, just us five, snuggled in.
Before life becomes all chaos.
There is still this brief pause, this moment that is hanging in the air.
Where I get to share in all of our sweet moments,
I get to relish in every memory we are creating.
This time in which I am sharing you, but I still get the majority of you.
But tomorrow it will change again,
and you will remind me that ready or not mom,
it's time to let you go
it's time to share you again.

Stop.