Childhoodtake2!

Every Friday we unite for five minutes. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on born.

Go.

The night before you were born, I knew you were coming. It was scheduled and I sat on the edge of my bed, looking at my packed suitcase and wondering and wondering about you.

I knew I would love you, I already did. I knew we would make room for you, we already did. I knew she would fall in love with not only you, but her brand new role, she already did. I knew it would be tough, it already was. I knew it would be easy, it already was. I knew it would be good, it already was.

There were a few moments when you had some people thinking you would come a little sooner, but I knew you were going to be born on May 30th, I knew we would hang on. I knew I was not sharing you with the world until that day arrived, I knew I would keep to keep you close, a little while longer.

The night before you were born, I held you on the inside of my body, I talked to you, I felt you push into my hand and I told you a little about the family you were about to be a very big part of. The night before you were born, I held you tightly, knowing this would be my last night with two heartbeats, and your mamma cried.

On the night before you were born, I knew it was time. It was time to put a huge and incredible chapter in my life behind me. A chapter I had no idea I wanted to write and a chapter I loved every word of. I would never be the "expecting mom" again. I would never again wonder, I would never again sit on the edge of my bed and hold anyone this way.

Here we are, eight years later, on the day before your 8th birthday. Monkey, can you promise me you won't get older tomorrow...I'll try mom.

Some things will never ever change.

Stop.

Oh, sweet boy, if only you knew how loved you were. Maybe you do know because it's as much as you love others and life. There are so many times I look at you from across the room and this smile spreads to your face. Or you see me when you are on the baseball field and you will blow a kiss, or shout "I love you", or place your hand on your heart and give a warm and loving smile my way, or run over to give hugs. You, Monks, you are the lover of love and the reminder of all there is that is good.

From the second you came into this world, people fought to hold you, to change you, to be around you. You are a magnet for others, you attract good because you send good out there. Yes, all of this comes with every emotion and comes with wearing them all on your sleeve, and it comes with frustration on your part and ours, but damn, you are a lover of love and the kindness that the entire world needs.

And now, you are seven and nothing has changed. You are still the one loving life, living your best days. I will still find you engulfed in all the Legos, imagination running wild. I still find you not being able to decide between wanting to run and play outside or settle into all of your building inside. I still find you moving in your sleep, because you always move. I still find you dancing when you eat, because you always love your food. I still find you hugging like there is no tomorrow, because you give the best hugs. I still find you drowning in curls, because your hair is the only me you carry. I still find your wide blue eyes wild with love and adventure, because you are every other part dad. I still find you loving her, needing her, making sure she is always okay, because you are the best little brother.

But I also find you taller, needing more privacy, wanting more and more time with dad. I find you are reading better, writing better, learning more, asking more. You are getting bigger, it is happening. And I am enjoying, loving, basking, drunk even, in my front seat view of it all. That little face we brought home, the one in the little "I'm brand new" onesie, he is still in there. He is still all hair and chub and already loving to eat and smile. His eyes were huge, his heart even bigger and all that little nugget in my arms wanted was to be close. All of that, is still right there, it has not gone anywhere at all.

This version of you, this is the real you Monks. This loving, caring, kind, emotional magnet of all people, that is who you really are. Never forget it, never let go of it, don't let the world change it about you. You're the best Cole I know so never ever stop being you.

With all my love and light little monkey, I eat you up I love you so!

Mommy's sweet and low!

There is so much small and little in all of you.
There is so much good and kind and sweet.
There is so much love and love of love.
There is so much boy.

Six sweet love of mine,
you are six and I have been holding on to each and every single day with you.

My five-year-old started school and continued with the kind and friendly and loving little boy.
Children are drawn to you
adults adore you
you make others feel good about themselves
you help
you care
you show empathy
you are just one good soul.

There is something about you that still looks all toddler to me.
Maybe it is because you are so short.
Maybe it is because you have such strong emotions.
Maybe it is because you are so brand new.
Maybe it is because you are my last and I am unwilling to let you grow.
Except that, of course, I am because you are making it so.

And so sweet boy, you took my hand once again and you led me to six.
You still love story time with me.
You still beg for little guy kisses.
You still tell me I am beautiful.
You still hold my hand.
You still love all things Star Wars.
You still love all things dad.
You are still an all eating goat.
You are still a climbing monkey.
You are still the one that believed in childhood the most
and reminds me that I have every right to hold on to that too.
You still cling to little while leading me to big boy.

You are just sweet loving Cole.
The one that completed a family even though I didn't realize we were missing a piece,
until I met you.

So welcome to six.
Welcome to more active sports
welcome to your first summer after school
welcome to the start of 1st grade
welcome to the next round of teachers that will also love you.
And a mom and dad that always have.

I eat you up I love you so...
mom's sweet and low.

You hit me hard.
You wanted me to crumble, and I did.
You wanted me to break and walk away from all that I knew,
and I almost did that too.

You started with so much sickness
so much scary and unknown
so much stress and worry
so much testing and anger
so much sadness and confusion.

See, 2016 was the year that I swore up and down I would stop wishing time away.
That was my resolution, I would stop wishing my life away.
Because for as long as I can remember me, I was always the person that would say, I just need to get through...fill in the blank.
And then one day I woke up and said enough, I have wished it all away and no more.
This is my life, I can either change it or live it and I am choosing both.
But 2016 was a tough one, all around.
And so, I say a very welcomed good-bye to you and I am dusting myself off and trying...
all over again.

Each year, I feel like my theme with resolutions circles around the word less...
less worry, less stress, less stuff.
So this year, I am going the opposite direction.
New year, new me. And this year, the word is more.
MORE!
More laughter
more fun
more me
more us
more them
more who I really am, not this angry person I have become
more time
more opportunities
more adventures
more trying
more new
more for my business
more of what I love
more love.

So, first things first.
I am going to start finding things funny again.
Really funny.
Us, I will find the humor in us and our situation and our kids.
God, I am going to laugh hard with my kids.
More laugh lines, not worry lines.
More silly.
So, I am going to lighten the hell up...way more!

I am going to kick my own ass, way more!
Yep, I am always afraid.
Yep, my first response is always "I can't do that".
Yep, I have to walk through my fear and I always do.
So, more me.
More time spent working to get out of my head.
More time spent on putting my own mask on first.
More time spent doing yoga
and running
and racing
and watching movies
and reading
and building my business
and building me.
More me.

More talking.
More spending time listening to your day.
More walking away from my work to show you that you matter.
More turning everything else off to be with you.
More hands free mom.
More curling up with you and just letting you go.
More time in the car together where you really open up.
More listening.
More of me with you.

More calm presence.
More loving words
more open arms
more smiles
more warmth
more letting you know I have your back
more being on your side
more snuggles
more laying with you at night
more caressing your face
more running my fingers through your hair.
More love towards those I love.

More smiling.
More finding other people as good.
More smiles with strangers.
More complimenting people just because it's true.
More giving of myself to those I don't even know in the most simple and humane way.

More happy.
More finding fun new things to do.
More snowshoeing.
More ice skating.
More playing hoops together.
More board games
more card games
more puzzles
more legos
more family adventure
more hikes
more trips.
More joy in our lives.

I am ready for the challenges that will come.
I am ready for a new puppy to show us that life always moves and goes on.
I am ready for this family, the one we created, the one we wanted, the one we have, the one we need to feel lucky to have.
I am ready for us, all of us.
I am ready to fall back in love.
I am ready to be comfortable.
I am ready to be full on me, us.
Just more of it.

It started pretty early with you.
The stifling
of you
of your movement
of your actions
the NO! that we scream multiple times a day.
You were always so much more active,
squirmy
quick to grab
take.
You always wanted to be on the go
run run run
climb
jump
dance.
It was always movement.
Yes, you are even active while you sleep.
Constantly tossing and turning,
moving.
Forever in motion.
And so, we learned how to say "no!" quickly and it has always stuck.

Even as I write this, during what is supposed to be your quiet time,
your time to regroup
maybe take a little nap,
I hear those little feet scrambling.
I hear you in and out of that room.
I am up and down the stairs trying to get you to just rest,
even for a few minutes.

But, my sweet boy.
You need to move.
You need to be active.
You need it for your soul.
It is a part of your purpose
it is what defines you.
Motion, movement, action, play, climbing, jumping,
motion.
And WE have to find ways to accept that
WE have to find ways to channel all of that energy and make it all ok.

We have to find a way to be ok with you falling.
And hurting yourself
and maybe even breaking a bone (did I just write that??!)
Because you need to climb.
You need to run
you will trip
you will topple over
you will fall from something high
but you also need to move.

And these stifling parents that you have,
the ones that always say no
the ones that are always taking you down,
the ones that are always pulling you off of something or somewhere high
the ones that are telling you to slow down
the ones that are always yelling no
these stifling parents of yours
they will catch up
to you.