Childhoodtake2!

If there is one thing we all learned this year, it is that time matters. Well, I don't know if we all learned it, but I certainly did. Coming off of three extremely tough years...years that hurt me physically, mentally, hurt relationships, hurt my mind, tore me apart some...years I spent more time crying than doing anything else at all...I did that all because I knew that time matters. Time with you, time with those I love, time to read, time to nap, time matters.

And then, coming to a full and complete stop...time matters.

When this first hit, and we all thought it would be over in a few weeks...maybe even a month or two...I really stopped. I snuggled into the quiet and the calm that I was privileged enough to have. I snuggled into naps, long runs, watching time go by. To some, time no longer mattered, to me, it mattered.

My lists became what did not matter. My have tos no longer important and everyone was just trying to figure this new life out, thinking it would all be temporary. Once things lingered, no one was doing anything well, we all knew it, we were all just hanging on. I still held up most of my routines, I still did "me", but I really relished the fact that time was what I was afforded and I took advantage of it all.

I took long walks with my daughter. I ran far but not for distance and time anymore, but for time alone and time with them. I walked my dog all of the time, I still do. It's our amazing time together, and if she doesn't get it now, she gets furious with me. After all, I took something from her, I took away her time and time matters.

I read, some. But I didn't make it a task or a goal, I just read when the time was right, when my daughter asked me for a reading date, when I decided the screens were too much and demanded a reading date. I found time to read again, and time matters.

I drank so much coffee I should probably start cutting back but just do not want to. I drank wine and I "gathered" with friends, squads that leaned on each other, even on videos and walks. I drank with my husband, we would have a "we made it through another day" toast. I relished all of the time I had found because time matters.

I worked hard on my business, it flourished. I finally had time to dedicate to it and it really showed. I was so fortunate to hold on to our business, our income. I sit back and think hard about where I was five years ago when I started to feel like it was time to move on. I sit back and think hard about where I was one year ago, how hard it all seemed but things slowly falling into place. And as I sit here today, I do not for one second take for granted the fact that it worked out. I found something that I am good at, enjoy, can make a living off of, and gives me back my time. I no longer work from 4am till 10 or 11pm. I no longer work in my sleep. I no longer work while I'm driving. I no longer dream and have nightmares about work. I no longer sit in the shower and think about it all and rush out because I have 5 minutes before it all starts. I have a life back. I have time in my life now. I have my own calendar. I have time and time matters.

So, just as I asked for calm in my life. The world stopped spinning. Just as I desperately needed time, the universe showed up and made time meaningless and the most meaningful things in life.

Time matters kiddos. How you spend it, what you do with it, who you spend it with. It matters on the days you sit around doing nothing. It matters on the days you are crushing goals. It matters when you are exhausted and finally rest your bones. It matters when you are cold and decide to put your body into warm water. It matters, time matters. And in a year when it was exhausting to be alive, time showed up and reminded us that we are at a fork in the road now. We can go back to speeding through life, we can go back to everything being too important all of the time. I know we will not continue to stand still, most cannot and will not even if they could. But, we can also decide that time matters and make choices that are simple and on purpose. We can stop having life happen to us and around us and we can once and for all decide that time is important.

It's the one thing we all don't have enough of.
The one thing we all pay attention to.
The one thing we all lose track of.

As I look at you both, I always wonder, where did the time go?
What happened to the new mom?
When did I become so seasoned?
And since when does being more seasoned mean you know less?
You are more afraid,
you are more tired,
you feel more clueless,
you feel so lost?

Where did the time go?
Because I swear, it was yesterday I was taking pictures of my belly while you grew.
It was yesterday that I was so worried about labor and delivery.
It was yesterday that I had parenting figured out,
until I didn't.

It was all just yesterday.
But I let time slip right by,
right through my fingers.
And my biggest heartache is that I didn't enjoy it all more.
I didn't fall hard for both of you, everyday.
My biggest regret is how I allowed the hard to take me down,
how I got lost in the fog.
My biggest fear, is that it's too late to start over.
And that I will lose you in a very damaging way.
And I won't be your rock, your home base.

Because time won,
and time will always win.
It does not matter how not ready I am
or how crazy ready you are
time dictates all that is coming and when.

And I guess that's why I am also so mad at time,
for taking my babies away
for making me feel this old
for making me have to make all of these really big decisions
because time always wins.

There is no way to stop it
there is no way to slow it down
but I, we, can slow down.
I, we, can enjoy more.
I, we, can linger.
I, we, can have days of all day movies and snuggles.
I, we, can put our to dos away and just be together
just be, period.

To me, you will always and forever be babies,
even if time made you four and seven.
To me, you will always and forever be stuck with that little face we brought home.
To me, we will always and forever be just us four, even when time says we are expanding.
To me, I wish time could stand still, that we could hit pause and be like this forever.
But time will win again and we will move on and grow.
Time always wins.

Every Friday we unite for five minutes to write on one word. Only five minutes, that's all we get, that's all we have. And then, right where we are, no edits or second-thoughts, we publish those words. This week, we write on time.
Go.

It's precious.
It's what we all want, what we all covet, what we all try to protect.
It's how we define what is important,
what we make a priority.
And that's because it is all so limited.
Not just today and what needs to get done, but in this world, this little life, time is so so limited.

And when you already feel like you never have enough,
you're already so desperate for more
when you need more
when it's all unraveling because there just isn't enough time
life always seems to throw something else at you and screams at you to find a little more to give.
Until you are empty.
Until those you love and adore are begging you to make it stop.
Until those you love and adore are telling you it's all too much and you have to find a way out of your awful.
Until the universe screams at you
to stop.
Just stop.
Redefine your priorities.
Redefine what you spend your time on.
Remember your promise of a simple life.
Remember your smile.
Remember that time defines you.
It defines who you choose to spend it with.
It defines who and what you want to be important in your life.
It defines what matters.
So stop wasting it.
Stop wasting it on have tos.
Stop wasting it on hurt and past mistakes and regret.

Because time is just so precious.

Stop.

I know I have a good memory.
Things, people, places, stories...they all stay with me.
I can't wash them away.
But I want and need to remember it all.
I need to capture every moment of what you are giving me and I need to put it in a safe bottle.
One with a lid for protection.
And most importantly, a lid I can open.
Every time I need a reminder of what you have been able to do
for my second chance
for my surprises at motherhood
for my life
I can open this bottle and drink you in.
And so, I promise to keep a running list.
Times when life really mattered
and I will come back to this list each and every time I need a drink,
or need to add to it.
Because I promise to make this my priority,
our list of real moments,
ones that really matter,
I will make adding to this list what my life should be all about.

These are our moments that matter...
We tried for both of you
desperately wanting you to find us.
And the day we found out we were pregnant with you,
were glorious and terrifying days.
Your father could not hide his desperate love for you both.
His joy beamed out of every part of him.
He loved you before he even met you.
And with both of you, I will always remember the look on his face when the test read positive.

Anna, moments before you were born,
your dad came into the operating room shaking and his face mask was drenched in tears.
I have never ever seen him so scared
so rattled
so desperate for you.
You did and do that to him Anna.
You rattle dad.
You make him believe in something bigger than all of us.
This was the moment that time stood still for me.

One night, we all had a huge dance party.
The kind in which we were laughing so hard it hurt to breathe.
We had friends over who made us laugh
who brought childhood into our home
And it mattered a lot.

Cole, you walked really late, later than your sister.
And you had us worried.
The day you walked monkey, we fell over with shrieks of laughter and love and relief.

Cole, you would tell us how much you loved us by the number of claps.
Mom was always a two clap love.
Dad was always three claps.
He was always your best friend buddy.
And although I tease about feeling sad, this warms my heart.

Anna and Cole,
both of your teachers have pulled me and dad aside to tell us what good friends and people you are.
How you aim to please and how kind you are.
I don't care about your grades,
you are smart people that will always do well.
We have nothing to worry about when it comes to what the tests and grades mean.
But this, this moment when both of them told me how much they look forward to seeing you
well, that's what matters.

Anna, your very first dance, was with dad.
In the hospital,
with U2 playing in the background.

Cole, everything you do, you're all in.
Eating
hugging
screaming
crying
smooching
running
excitement
you're always all in.

This.

I will always remember this.

Anna, when you were just born and still waking up to eat, your last feeding was around 4am.
I would then bring you into our room and place you on my chest to sleep.
I would listen to you breathe and watch you sleep.
It was heaven.

Cole,
you were my one and only love at first sight.
I loved you from the moment they put you into my arms.
You won over the entire nursery with your face.

Anna, your first word was woof (because that's what you would call Mia) and it was too adorable.
Cole, your first word was mamma. Thank you for knowing how much I needed that.

Anna and Cole, your vocabulary always wowed everyone.
As babies, you both had so so many words.
And you still do.
You love to talk.
You love love love to talk.

Cole, you have always hummed when you eat, especially if you love it.
And your feet still dance when you take your first bites.
I hope you always love food this much.

Anna, the first time you held Cole you looked down at him and up at me and said,
"he's my best friend".
You spent the first year of his life playing and dressing and taking great care of him.
You need to know how important you each were and are to each other.

Summer of 2014 was so bad for us. The house project kind of destroyed our little family.
Summer of 2015 it all came to a head and it was this picture that brought me back to life.

Taken from a photographer that has watched you both grow.
Seen through the eyes of a camera lens, is a family that loves.

November of 2015 we had a heat wave for a glorious week.
Temps were close to or in the 70s, in November.
And your father needed a family hike and we got one in.
At first, everyone was cranky.
Cole was tired and didn't want to walk.
I was feeding into his mood.
Anna wanted to be on a playground and not a trail.
But we walked on.
Three minutes in, we were racing through the trail,
Cole was laughing and holding dad's hand.
We were playing I spy.
The kids were holding hands and Anna you were helping Cole climb and walk.
It was magic.
It mattered.

I vow to always come back to this list.
I will add our memories that matter here.
For you to always have, always.