This week

This week, I have been missing you a lot.
I actually started to feel better once you were back home,
and as tough as it's been to start a normal routine without you,
it selfishly felt better than feeling you all day long and needing to take care of you, even when you were gone.
But this week, I feel you more.

You see, this week, was a pretty big deal for baseball and although we are hard Yankee fans,
the Cubs are as close to second as you can get.
Dad has a close boyhood connection to the Cubs and there is something about seeing the little boy in him that makes me melt.
So, this week, was big.
And as we watched every single game, and it got louder and louder and the cheering and shouts started to get out of control for 11:30pm,
I felt this huge weight on my chest.
You weren't there
getting really nervous at dad's energy and my shouts.
You weren't trying to crawl on top of me because you didn't feel safe with all of the nerves.

And so, this week, I finally threw away your food and cleaned out your bowls.
It was so long overdue but for the last month, I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Every single time I tried, I would stop myself, tell myself I had more pressing things to do and just walk by.
And every single day that I walked into the house, I would see them first and it would punch me that you were gone.
So, this week, I took care of that.
I washed everything out, and left the empty clean white bowls in our sink.

This week, I put away your beds.
Because I can't keep walking by and wanting to scoop you up and bring you downstairs with me.
Because I can't keep looking at your little toys and remembering how cute it was to watch you snuggle like an actual person.
Because I can't keep bending down to see if they still smell like you.
So this week, I put them away.

This week, I have been crying a lot.
Sad, blue, heart heavy.
And when I am not crying, I feel like I want to be crying
like it will allow me to somehow feel better,
but not yet.
I keep thinking the the tears will wash just a little bit of the blue away, but just not yet.
So this week, I am going to cry.

This week, I took down your box.
The one I have kept of all your things.
And I looked at Mr. Fish, the very first present I gave you on your very first day with me.
I realized how starting everyone off with a lovey is so important to me, and like everything else, it started with you.

So this week, I am so sad.
Because I feel like I am trying to get rid of you
and that feels wrong and terrible.
Because I feel like I am being so selfish
but still so empty.
So this week, I am really missing you sweetie.

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