Childhoodtake2!

"If I am here for the she picked on me...
then you will come to me with the he broke up with me"

It's what I always say,
I will try better with them tomorrow.
I made a mistake today,
I yelled,
I continuously lost my patience.
Tomorrow, it will all be better.
I will try again
they will try again,
there is always tomorrow.

And this year I made a promise to myself that I am no longer wishing my life away.
I am no longer saying, I just need to get through this day, week, month.
I am going to take my life for what it is,
my life.
This is just my life.
So I am going to live it and be a part of it, everyday.

And then I get tested.
Then, a month like the one I just had hits.
And my first reaction is to get really quiet
until I'm not.
Until I am yelling
so loud
at the little faces I made
at my person
at myself
at my family
at doctors
and nurses
and everyone.

So many mistakes I have made
so many times I want to take it back
so many times I need a do over.
So every time I put them to bed, I try and think to myself,
I will make up for this day...
tomorrow.
I will be better...
tomorrow.
I will yell less
be more kind
lead by example...
tomorrow.
I will listen more
look them in the eyes more
I will hug them more
I will have more patience...
tomorrow.
Tomorrow will be better.

"If I am here for the my teacher said the funniest thing today
then you will come to me with the I feel like I have no friends.

And then, like a flood pouring into my heart,
I realized how short my time with them is.
Not only because we are honestly not promised a tomorrow and anything could happen to anyone at anytime,
but because what I do with you today, effects how you let me in tomorrow.

"And I know, deep in my soul, that if I am here for the little things turned big in your mind,you will feel like I am here for the big things we can turn little later."

Because my little girl has a few more years left with me as a kid.
Before she, by instinct, wants to keep things from me.
Before she starts to pull away.
Before so many more things come before our family time.
Before Friday family movie nights become a memory.
Before pancake Sunday is something we used to do, remember?
Before our family swims are weird and she just doesn't want to go.
I am building our relationship
our trust
our bond
our love
our safety net
now.
And if I don't, tomorrow isn't available to me.

"If I am here for the my test was harder than I thought
then you will come to me with the it hurts to go to school."

I blinked and he was three and she was six.
It's true, it is a blink of an eye.
And so, I will blink again and she will be 12
and he will be 15
she will have friends she wants to talk to
she will have pain
he will be faced with so much peer pressure
and so many difficult decisions
and she will be leaving for school
and worried about that party
and he will be going to prom
and worried about getting home
and she will be getting an apartment
and worried about making it all work
and he will be getting married
and worried that she really is going to be there, forever
and she will be starting her life, her world, her family,
and he will be living really far away,
and neither will be in this house turned home.

Because that is the way it is supposed to go.
That is the way life cycles.
Because tomorrow happens so quickly and if I don't put in my time with you now
you won't trust me then.
If you feel like you are always in trouble
you will keep things from me, because it is not worth it.
If you feel like you aren't safe to share your heart
you won't.
If you feel like your voice isn't heard
you will stop talking.
If you feel like I am not paying attention
you will learn that it doesn't matter to me.

Tomorrow isn't promised,
this is my life.
You are my life,
and it's messy
and stressful
and there is always something wrong
a fire that needs to be put out
and I have to figure out how to fit it all in
and I have to put you, us, this, first.

Because I am not living for tomorrow, this is my life.