When people ask me if I can remember my life before kids or if I can even imagine my life without them,
the absolute truth is yes, I can.
I remember what it was like to not have to always worry about scheduling everything.
I remember not worrying about every decision I make and how much it impacted someone else.
I remember what it was like to not have to worry about childcare, or school, or homework, or getting them involved.
I remember sleeping until 10.
I remember staying up late (and who cared because I could sleep until 10).
I remember drinking too much (and who cared because I could sleep until 10 and not have to be a mom, on a hangover.)
I remember carefree and easy.
I remember not thinking about them, and if I am doing or giving enough.
I remember not having to think, am I enough for them?
But, there is something that happened to us when we became parents.
The second I fell in love with her,
I fell in love with you in a way that was so deep, so connected that I can't remember what it felt like before.
I remember my life before them.
And I remember us before them.
But, I don't remember what our love felt like.
I know that I loved you then, clearly, I loved you with all of my heart.
But, since my heart has grown,
and then doubled,
and now continues to grow,
well, our love has changed so much and has become something so different.
Better, yes.
Stronger, yes.
Connected, yes.
Scary, sure.
But, watching you with them. The real you with them, it's pretty amazing.
I always knew how good you would be at this.
But seeing him on your shoulders going on a hike,
or watching you carry two exhausted kids through NYC, during the holidays,
or seeing you get excited about posting a pic with you guys ready for a great game
or hearing your morning conversations with them,
or hearing you say goodnight,
seeing how natural you are at affection,
how great you are with homework help,
teaching them things,
your summers together,
you fill with kid excitement at having them start something new,
it's changed us.
It's changed how I see you,
how I feel about you.
It's changed us.
They have brought us farther apart and they have brought us closer together.
They have made us question us, and made us realize, without any doubt, that this is what we are suppose to be doing.
They have made us fight, they have made us a team.
They have made us drive to the edge of despair and exhaustion and they have filled us with a new energy and hope.
They have pulled at our hearts, and made it shatter a million different times, but they have put the broken back together.
They have made us cry, for the good and the bad.
And smile, they make us smile.
They have made us so forgetful but remember what is really important.
They have made us.
I remember my life before them, of course I do.
I don't remember our love before them and I don't want to.
